I feel like God has been teaching me something important these past few weeks. I was talking to a friend of mine because I have been so overwhelmed with fear and been scared about a lot of things going on in my life right now. I can't even put my finger on it yet because everything is fine but at the same time God is working and when He is working things don't stay the same. I've also noticed the little details of my life more and what I'm doing in those moments and trying to have them focused on God too. He even cares about the little moments and that is amazing to think about because He is a really, big God.
I tell you what is going on in my life right now and see if you can get what I'm saying about fear and the little details and gratefulness. I'm thinking of going back to college to get my Master's but I'm scared to do that. What I really want is a family. I want to be a stay at home mom and with college and a job that wants a Master's degree I won't have time for one. Going back to get my Master's, I might have to take the GRE to get in or see if I am able to go. The GRE and studying for it are examples of little details that God cares about because they lead me where He wants me to be. At the same time, I am scared that I won't pass it because I'm a bad test taker and then want will I do for my life.
Another way to think about the little details and fear they might cause is in friendships. What if you say something wrong or not at the right time? What if you just talk on an on when really they just want you to listen? There is that fear that you messed it up or that they don't like you anymore. There is also that fear of what do they think of me now that I said it. That is why we have to be careful of the words that are coming out of our mouths and make sure they are encouraging words and not words that put people down.
Those two things kind of goes back to the subject of fear. I am hiding behind all of this things plus my job because I'm just scared and I don't want to move forwards but at the same time I'm bored with where I am now. A friend told me that hiding in fear is what Adam and Eve did in the garden. They hid from God because they knew they did wrong after they took a bite of the apple. When we think we did or are doing something wrong, do we tried to hide or make up excuses to get away with it? We stay busy with our job or chores or just even with friends because we don't want to think about "I did it when God told me not to". It is more of a trust issue then anything.
Adam and Eve didn't trust God when He said not to eat from the tree for you will surely die. Their commandment did not end good but if we take away that fear and trust God with everything we have our lives can turn out way better then we ever though possible. We hear people and pastor talk about having the fear of God in our lives but the fear in the garden was a different kind of fear. It was a fear that made us turn away from God. The fear of God is a good fear or trust. I might be wrong on that so check it with someone you trust but it might be close. The fear of God is like God telling you to do something and you do it because you know it will turn out good but yet at the same time you are still scared if that makes any sense at all.
I know it seems to be really confusing but the fear in the garden is a good thing to look at because as humans we have that kind of fear everyday. We want things our own way and when we don't get it we fear it is wrong and step back into our way instead of God's way. We can be hiding behind a lot of things at the same time like I was and am. I'm hiding behind the GRE, job, family, and some friends but I don't need to. I need to trust God in all of that because there is a reason for everything He is doing right now in my life. I wouldn't be where I am if He didn't want me here.
TRUST TAKES AWAY FEAR!!!! Pray that God will give you the trust that you need to have that fear in your life taken away from you.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Playing with Pumpkin Seeds
Some moments are just too cute not to love and to stop especially when it is a child's first time at the age of 3 or older. I had another one of those moments today that I planned and it went over pretty well, I think. Most of the children loved it and didn't want to stop. Again this is a memory note for me but you are welcome to read it.
I cut open a pumpkin, that we brought at the pumpkin patch the Monday before, with the children today at my job and at first they were scared about what was inside the pumpkin. They would dig the seeds out with spoons, not their hands. Of course, I got in there with my hands and started digging in it. It did take them a few mins. to get brave enough to stick their hands in it but once they did they loved it.
They loved playing with the wet seeds more then inside of the pumpkin. We put the seeds in a bowl after they dug them out of the pumpkin. Everyone wanted to play in the bowl of seeds. When they did they all laughed, smiled, and said, "Ewwwwww......". It was great! They wanted to eat them but I told them they have to be cooked first. I could not get the bowl away from them to put it up so we played with the seeds for awhile.
They said the seeds felt cold and wet. They also liked the smell of the pumpkin. It was just fun to watch how at first no one would be their hands in the pumpkin and I would touch them with my yucky hands and they would tell me to stop. Once they found out that they could play in the bowl of seeds, they loved it. They would play in that and then stick their hands in the pumpkin a few times. They still liked playing with the seeds better, though. Even the little toddlers liked to play in the pumpkin and seeds. They were actually the first ones in the pumpkin but they didn't last too long because they started eating the seeds.
I was going to do everything inside at our dining tables but then I thought how fun would it be to do a "lesson" outside so we did it outside on the playground. It was a cool, Fall morning to do something Fally like cut and dig in a pumpkin so we did and it was spent mostly outside until it started to rain a little bit on us and then we had to go back inside and play with the toys. The children got sidetracked with them.
Something new they get to do and yet for me I get to see those smiles on their faces. It is, again, moments like those they will remember forever. The time when they got to try and experience something new and unusual, something from nature, not just when they were playing with toys. That is a whole other entry for me or could be but I won't drag you down with it.
I cut open a pumpkin, that we brought at the pumpkin patch the Monday before, with the children today at my job and at first they were scared about what was inside the pumpkin. They would dig the seeds out with spoons, not their hands. Of course, I got in there with my hands and started digging in it. It did take them a few mins. to get brave enough to stick their hands in it but once they did they loved it.
They loved playing with the wet seeds more then inside of the pumpkin. We put the seeds in a bowl after they dug them out of the pumpkin. Everyone wanted to play in the bowl of seeds. When they did they all laughed, smiled, and said, "Ewwwwww......". It was great! They wanted to eat them but I told them they have to be cooked first. I could not get the bowl away from them to put it up so we played with the seeds for awhile.
They said the seeds felt cold and wet. They also liked the smell of the pumpkin. It was just fun to watch how at first no one would be their hands in the pumpkin and I would touch them with my yucky hands and they would tell me to stop. Once they found out that they could play in the bowl of seeds, they loved it. They would play in that and then stick their hands in the pumpkin a few times. They still liked playing with the seeds better, though. Even the little toddlers liked to play in the pumpkin and seeds. They were actually the first ones in the pumpkin but they didn't last too long because they started eating the seeds.
I was going to do everything inside at our dining tables but then I thought how fun would it be to do a "lesson" outside so we did it outside on the playground. It was a cool, Fall morning to do something Fally like cut and dig in a pumpkin so we did and it was spent mostly outside until it started to rain a little bit on us and then we had to go back inside and play with the toys. The children got sidetracked with them.
Something new they get to do and yet for me I get to see those smiles on their faces. It is, again, moments like those they will remember forever. The time when they got to try and experience something new and unusual, something from nature, not just when they were playing with toys. That is a whole other entry for me or could be but I won't drag you down with it.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
What is God to do with a Passionate Heart?
I go to work and the first thing I do is, of course, wake up the children. It was like every other morning until I got to this one child to wake him up. He came to be with us yesterday afternoon. The first thought that went through my mind was, "We should not have a child like this in America." He is all skin and bones. He has a sickness that does that to him but that can't be all. Even if it is, how in the world would he get the sickness?
He was light to pick up and carry. Dark circles under his eyes. He would eat things off the ground and he ate all of his food very slowly like he was savoring each bit to make it last longer. It really sickened me to see a child like this child. I would be okay with seeing his condition in another country because they have excuses but here in America we don't. We have everything a child needs the parents just need to help them.
I had his sister at my job before him and she was so skinny too. Seeing him just makes me more worried for her too. How in the world can a person have two children but yet let them be so skinny and also developmentally behind.
I got to thinking about my future and the job that I would like to live with (aka my dream) and it is hard. I will be really blessed if I do get married because I'm going to have a hard job all my life and a guy will have to put up with my soapbox every night. I like to do therapy and/or fostering of some sort. With both of those jobs, you know children come in with bad stories, not all of them but some of them. Of course, we can never get away from that now because sadly it is just the world. Even if I was to be a teacher, I would still have to deal with knowing children that didn't eat when I sent them home or home be themselves or get hit every night.
If I even thought of that, I would not be able to send them home so there is no way I could go back to teaching now because I would see the classroom in a whole different view and hotlines would know me by name after a year or shorter. I'm seriously asking God, right now, what do you want in life from me? Do I give up my dream of a family like I did my teaching dream and care for orphans and foster children? Do I give up on looking for a spouse because there is not a guy out there that could handle me and my job (passionate heart). If there is, he is pretty special.
To be honest, I ask myself a lot of times when I feel like I can't do anything, like in this situation, why does God give me a passionate heart? Why does God give me this child in my life for a few months or even a few days sometimes? Just to get me upset and to think about what life really is all about? To bring me closer to Him? To make me dependent on Him and not my own self righteousness? What is God going to do with this passionate heart of mine? I would like to know but whatever it will be it will really be a surprise for me and everyone else.
I just have to give it over to God and keep doing that and He will take care of the rest. Being a worrisome person in the first place and working at a job like I do are not good things to put together but they will, for sure, make me strong. I can just pray for the best for that child now and when they move on and for me everyday because I need it to get through a day.
He was light to pick up and carry. Dark circles under his eyes. He would eat things off the ground and he ate all of his food very slowly like he was savoring each bit to make it last longer. It really sickened me to see a child like this child. I would be okay with seeing his condition in another country because they have excuses but here in America we don't. We have everything a child needs the parents just need to help them.
I had his sister at my job before him and she was so skinny too. Seeing him just makes me more worried for her too. How in the world can a person have two children but yet let them be so skinny and also developmentally behind.
I got to thinking about my future and the job that I would like to live with (aka my dream) and it is hard. I will be really blessed if I do get married because I'm going to have a hard job all my life and a guy will have to put up with my soapbox every night. I like to do therapy and/or fostering of some sort. With both of those jobs, you know children come in with bad stories, not all of them but some of them. Of course, we can never get away from that now because sadly it is just the world. Even if I was to be a teacher, I would still have to deal with knowing children that didn't eat when I sent them home or home be themselves or get hit every night.
If I even thought of that, I would not be able to send them home so there is no way I could go back to teaching now because I would see the classroom in a whole different view and hotlines would know me by name after a year or shorter. I'm seriously asking God, right now, what do you want in life from me? Do I give up my dream of a family like I did my teaching dream and care for orphans and foster children? Do I give up on looking for a spouse because there is not a guy out there that could handle me and my job (passionate heart). If there is, he is pretty special.
To be honest, I ask myself a lot of times when I feel like I can't do anything, like in this situation, why does God give me a passionate heart? Why does God give me this child in my life for a few months or even a few days sometimes? Just to get me upset and to think about what life really is all about? To bring me closer to Him? To make me dependent on Him and not my own self righteousness? What is God going to do with this passionate heart of mine? I would like to know but whatever it will be it will really be a surprise for me and everyone else.
I just have to give it over to God and keep doing that and He will take care of the rest. Being a worrisome person in the first place and working at a job like I do are not good things to put together but they will, for sure, make me strong. I can just pray for the best for that child now and when they move on and for me everyday because I need it to get through a day.
Monday, October 27, 2014
A Visit to the Pumpkin Patch
I had a little too much fun with my children today. It was our turn to go to the pumpkin patch and play. The weather was prefect! It was windy and cool with some clouds in the sky. The prefect Fall day! There were leaves blowing from the trees. We spent all morning there and they had everything to do. They had a hay hill and hay tunnels built. They also had donkeys to pet and two hayrides to ride on. There was 5 adults and 5 children. The farm even had a wooden toy train and tractor we (the kids) could climb on and play on. They took turns driving the tractor. It was so much fun!
It was so fun seeing the children just running around and playing. They had smiles on their faces and wanted to do everything twice or more. We even brought each of them a pumpkin to take back. They each got a white, yellowish looking one, not the normal orange one. It was also fun because we got to have a picnic on there on the farm. We brought snack lunches and sat at picnic tables. The children really enjoyed that too. They were all sleepy when we got in the van and fell asleep probably within 5 mins. down the road.
The hayride was fun! We went through a "forest" (around a square) and it was decorated with Halloween things on one side and FairyTales on the other. The children even got to see where the pumpkins came from, some corn stocks, and small strawberry plants that they were growing for next year. They also had a corn maze but we didn't do that part of it.
I'm writing this so it will be a memory for me so there isn't much to say. How can you write out a thing like this moment with the children so you can remember forever? You can't. It just amazes me that for most of them it will be their first and only time. It is moments like these when we actually go and make the memories with the children that I like best about my job because really if you think about it those memories, even with your own children, are the memories you will remember and have pictures of forever.
I'm done explaining how today went. For the most part, you just had to be there and see everything and everyone's faces. It is the little and simplest things that count the most and I see that everyday in this job.
It was so fun seeing the children just running around and playing. They had smiles on their faces and wanted to do everything twice or more. We even brought each of them a pumpkin to take back. They each got a white, yellowish looking one, not the normal orange one. It was also fun because we got to have a picnic on there on the farm. We brought snack lunches and sat at picnic tables. The children really enjoyed that too. They were all sleepy when we got in the van and fell asleep probably within 5 mins. down the road.
The hayride was fun! We went through a "forest" (around a square) and it was decorated with Halloween things on one side and FairyTales on the other. The children even got to see where the pumpkins came from, some corn stocks, and small strawberry plants that they were growing for next year. They also had a corn maze but we didn't do that part of it.
I'm writing this so it will be a memory for me so there isn't much to say. How can you write out a thing like this moment with the children so you can remember forever? You can't. It just amazes me that for most of them it will be their first and only time. It is moments like these when we actually go and make the memories with the children that I like best about my job because really if you think about it those memories, even with your own children, are the memories you will remember and have pictures of forever.
I'm done explaining how today went. For the most part, you just had to be there and see everything and everyone's faces. It is the little and simplest things that count the most and I see that everyday in this job.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Changing Colors, Changing Life in the Fall
As I was running this morning, I saw the beautiful Fall colors in the leaves and stop to take pictures of some of them because the sun was just rising and shining just right on them. Then I saw a few unique leaves and took pictures of those. The leaves were turning the color red so there was a little red on them like they have just started to change but most of the leaf was still green. That is how I got the title for this entry. You can learn things from God in nature and that is why I love His Creation more then anything. The things that look the simplest are often the hardest to explain and understand like changing colors of leaves in the Fall.
God, somehow, knew I needed that reminder in my life right now of a changing life and that it can be beautiful at the same time. It might be because I started a new position at my job not too long ago and I'm still trying to see where and if I still fit with my friends that I felt like I left during the year of my evening shifts. The more I realize that while doing the same things I use to I also realize that I have changed to. My eyes are more open and I seem like I am more compassionate and aware of what is going on around me. I seem to not fit in where I am now because I want to do so much more and mainly with children.
I have a feeling that change is going to come about in the next few months until I get use to this new position and see where I stand. I also feel like I'm working harder on the little things in life too like my timing and scheduling of things after that Bible study I took. That is hard then you would think too because I want out my schedule but for this past week nothing turned out right but better. It was my first week of going on a schedule. I feel like God is saying "Even in the very little things, trust me." It could be has simple as not taking a nap when I planned or getting up earlier then I planned. It could be going somewhere else then that other place that I planned. I do feel though that it is helping me make my life more routine for right now.
Like the leaves change color in the Fall, our lives changing when God is in control. It might be a little thing or a big thing. I've notice too that since I started this job, I just have a better outlook on life for me. Yeah, it might be hard at times but still there are people around me that care. I'll be honest and say that some of those people I never thought I would talk to when I first met them but now they are pretty cool and interesting. God could even be working on changing my thoughts on different people from what I want in a friend to what He wants me to have in a friend.
God is in both the leaves changing colors and our changing lives. Just like the leaf changing colors it is a slow process and it might take a whole season of our lives. I think that is why I like Fall and Spring the best because they are a season for change whether good or bad. Next time you see a leaf that has changed colors or in the process of changing colors remember that God is working in your life too even if it is in the smallest, littlest way. He is always working in our lives sometimes just bigger then others but our time will come. God never leaves His Children. If you are in the same season as a friend, try to encouraging them by letting them know you are at the same spot too and theta they can talk to you anytime.
One more thing that just came to my mind that I thought was neat. The leaf I found was changing to the color red. For plants, green means it is alive and of course other colors mean they are dead and dying and will fall off soon. When you see a leaf changing to red just remember that Jesus changed our lives for the good when He bled on the cross for us. We were the green color and Jesus was the red color that covered us so we could be set free. Also, leaves fall to the ground so they almost fly so just think of it has the leaf was free for a little bit but it had a limits which was the ground. Just like our lives in Jesus Christ, our Savior.
God, somehow, knew I needed that reminder in my life right now of a changing life and that it can be beautiful at the same time. It might be because I started a new position at my job not too long ago and I'm still trying to see where and if I still fit with my friends that I felt like I left during the year of my evening shifts. The more I realize that while doing the same things I use to I also realize that I have changed to. My eyes are more open and I seem like I am more compassionate and aware of what is going on around me. I seem to not fit in where I am now because I want to do so much more and mainly with children.
I have a feeling that change is going to come about in the next few months until I get use to this new position and see where I stand. I also feel like I'm working harder on the little things in life too like my timing and scheduling of things after that Bible study I took. That is hard then you would think too because I want out my schedule but for this past week nothing turned out right but better. It was my first week of going on a schedule. I feel like God is saying "Even in the very little things, trust me." It could be has simple as not taking a nap when I planned or getting up earlier then I planned. It could be going somewhere else then that other place that I planned. I do feel though that it is helping me make my life more routine for right now.
Like the leaves change color in the Fall, our lives changing when God is in control. It might be a little thing or a big thing. I've notice too that since I started this job, I just have a better outlook on life for me. Yeah, it might be hard at times but still there are people around me that care. I'll be honest and say that some of those people I never thought I would talk to when I first met them but now they are pretty cool and interesting. God could even be working on changing my thoughts on different people from what I want in a friend to what He wants me to have in a friend.
God is in both the leaves changing colors and our changing lives. Just like the leaf changing colors it is a slow process and it might take a whole season of our lives. I think that is why I like Fall and Spring the best because they are a season for change whether good or bad. Next time you see a leaf that has changed colors or in the process of changing colors remember that God is working in your life too even if it is in the smallest, littlest way. He is always working in our lives sometimes just bigger then others but our time will come. God never leaves His Children. If you are in the same season as a friend, try to encouraging them by letting them know you are at the same spot too and theta they can talk to you anytime.
One more thing that just came to my mind that I thought was neat. The leaf I found was changing to the color red. For plants, green means it is alive and of course other colors mean they are dead and dying and will fall off soon. When you see a leaf changing to red just remember that Jesus changed our lives for the good when He bled on the cross for us. We were the green color and Jesus was the red color that covered us so we could be set free. Also, leaves fall to the ground so they almost fly so just think of it has the leaf was free for a little bit but it had a limits which was the ground. Just like our lives in Jesus Christ, our Savior.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
My Mission Statement for Life
Here is the entry. The entry I promised about what I was learning in my Bible Study class on Sunday mornings. Now that it is over. We went over the study called, "The Significant Woman" and it was so much to think about. One thing we did was made a mission statement for our lives to leave by so we would know what to do and what not to do. We learn and took who we are and put it into a statement that we could go by for some of our life. Mine I think I can do all my life no matter where I am as along as I have a job with children but mine can mean a lot of different ways with children.
Here is my mission statement: To nurture and embrace the defenseless, by introducing them to their true and trusted Safe Haven.
I came up with that statement with a little bit of help because of the job I am working now but I've been thinking about it a lot. It could mean I could help out the defenseless in my ways and all the children that a defenseless. Right now, I'm working with abused children that don't have homes and will go into foster care and I love it. In a way, I could have done that in my preschool teaching job too. I'm also thinking of another way that I could do it and this one as been on my heart since I took a class in college. More so now that I see it a lot where I work. You don't know how many children need help until you see them.
I always had a thing for Autism and sensory processing disabilities or any disabilities a child might have. I'm thinking about spiecal education or some kind of therapy. I would be embracing them when no one else will. I would be nurturing and teaching them how to do things for the first time or even better. I think I always had a thing for special education because I was in it when I was young for two main things. Those two main things were: my speech and my math skills. There might be some anxiety in there every once in awhile. I know what it feels like to have an IEP or to be pulled out of class. I never was pulled out of class expect for speech but I do have spiecal things done for me like less math problems and some tutoring after school.
Also, I just love the thought of sensory processing. It is so strange how children will act a certain way because they don't know how to control a certain part of their body. I would also love Behavioral therapy because there are so many cool ways you could do it and again just the child's mind and body. To me, it is seeing how God made us special and complex from all the other animals. If we need one thing or the other to be "normal", it is amazing but yet God made us that way for a reason.
Just some thoughts on where my life might be going in the next few years and what I am learning about myself. Another reason I love all the above reasons. You learn about the child and yourself at the same time. They can teach you things that you never thought possible.
Here is my mission statement: To nurture and embrace the defenseless, by introducing them to their true and trusted Safe Haven.
I came up with that statement with a little bit of help because of the job I am working now but I've been thinking about it a lot. It could mean I could help out the defenseless in my ways and all the children that a defenseless. Right now, I'm working with abused children that don't have homes and will go into foster care and I love it. In a way, I could have done that in my preschool teaching job too. I'm also thinking of another way that I could do it and this one as been on my heart since I took a class in college. More so now that I see it a lot where I work. You don't know how many children need help until you see them.
I always had a thing for Autism and sensory processing disabilities or any disabilities a child might have. I'm thinking about spiecal education or some kind of therapy. I would be embracing them when no one else will. I would be nurturing and teaching them how to do things for the first time or even better. I think I always had a thing for special education because I was in it when I was young for two main things. Those two main things were: my speech and my math skills. There might be some anxiety in there every once in awhile. I know what it feels like to have an IEP or to be pulled out of class. I never was pulled out of class expect for speech but I do have spiecal things done for me like less math problems and some tutoring after school.
Also, I just love the thought of sensory processing. It is so strange how children will act a certain way because they don't know how to control a certain part of their body. I would also love Behavioral therapy because there are so many cool ways you could do it and again just the child's mind and body. To me, it is seeing how God made us special and complex from all the other animals. If we need one thing or the other to be "normal", it is amazing but yet God made us that way for a reason.
Just some thoughts on where my life might be going in the next few years and what I am learning about myself. Another reason I love all the above reasons. You learn about the child and yourself at the same time. They can teach you things that you never thought possible.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Control Freak
My title might not be a very good one because it is telling a truth about me. I am a control freak. It has always been in my blood but it seems like lately it is just getting bigger and it is worrying me because I never wanted to be one. I need to learn how to control at work and in my personal life. Being a control freak as two different meanings in those two situations. One situation you can be if needed but the other one you can't be or not how I am being at least.
This idea dawned on my last night while at a Bible study about Boundaries. I read the book "Boundaries" and we went over it but it hit me differently because I am in a different situation as I was back then and things have gotten better. I'm kind of a new person now too. I handle things a little bit differently but still seems like I worry some and want to have control over a lot of things. First, I will tell you about my job.
I moved to morning shift which I thought would be easier and a lot more fun because I actually get to do things with the children but it is so so. I feel like I have the control over the activities by myself plus other things. I just feel like I have to be in control of the children and keep them busy with different things to do because they can't just stay busy with one thing all shift. They need change every so often. I feel like I have to be in charge of making lesson plans and really there is no lesson plans but I think there need to be because the more we can get through these children now the better. If I don't have control of the day, I feel like I need to take to back or want to. I just feel a lot of times that things are not going my way but yet they are going great so I'm not complaining. I just want it more organized and control in some way for the children's sake because I honestly believe that they would do a lot better if we had a real routine and followed it but more then doing just two things.
Next, I will tell you about my personal life. This is where I was last night while realizing that I am a control freak. To any guy friends that read this, if any, you all have helped me grow so much these past years. It was my way of thinking and I'm even now trying to change and I see that change through my friends not just my guy friends but those are the ones I'm going to talk about. It all started in high school when I wanted to control the kind of girls that my crush was going out with but I never did anything about it because I didn't want him to know I was kind of jealous at the time. I would get mad at him instead and not talk to him until he broke up with the girl he was going out with. That is the short version of it.
Then a guy friend in college wanted to start his own show and at first I didn't know how I felt about it because at first he was going to move away from where I was planning to go and then he didn't. He graduated a year before me and I was keeping an eye on what he was doing with the show. Deep down I will admit, I didn't want him to make it big as first but yet I made myself support him and if he was going to make it big, I would be the one he would thank because I had it under control with helping him when he needed. Needless to say, that was back in college and now he has proven to me that he doesn't need my help at all. He is a big CEO and he got that way by himself and God, not me.
Then, like a year ago, I was trying to control this friendship with a guy friend and it had some hard months. I had to take time and think about things. What I mean by trying to control it was that I would ask him to hang out instead of vice via. I would go up and talk to him when he didn't want to talk or was busy. There were some things that I said that I shouldn't have said. We also have to look back at that time because it was when I didn't have a job so I felt like I lost everything and was in control of nothing so I needed to find something. Now I feel bad that I did that and hopefully I understand what He feels because He told me and I know where he stands now and I hope that I'm respecting that for him.
Then, something else that I am going through right now with a guy friend. This is a guy friend that I met at work and things happened that and I got started talking to him after he changed jobs. He is a great guy that loves children as his 2nd passion and he has something else that is his 1st passion but I did find myself trying to control that again but I'm backing off before it is too late. He wants to travel and do his 1st passion next year if possible which is great. At the very start of talking with him, I look back now and think was I trying to change his passion (aka have control over it) by making him see how great he is with children and non-profit companies.
All these things to say that I have been trying to control other people's lives when I need to control mine in a certain way and just let God be with my friends. I don't need to be the one in control or the fixer upper. God is! I do believe that my trigger is either worry too much or caring too much about my friends whether girls or guys. Why worry when I don't know anything compared to God? Why can't I just control my own life if anyone's life? I need to learn to back off with friends and of myself because the rate I am going I will never get married because no guy likes to be under a control freak for a wife. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I'm too hard on myself at times because I am not in control like I think I should be. I'm letting everyone around me down or that is what I'm thinking at least.
This idea dawned on my last night while at a Bible study about Boundaries. I read the book "Boundaries" and we went over it but it hit me differently because I am in a different situation as I was back then and things have gotten better. I'm kind of a new person now too. I handle things a little bit differently but still seems like I worry some and want to have control over a lot of things. First, I will tell you about my job.
I moved to morning shift which I thought would be easier and a lot more fun because I actually get to do things with the children but it is so so. I feel like I have the control over the activities by myself plus other things. I just feel like I have to be in control of the children and keep them busy with different things to do because they can't just stay busy with one thing all shift. They need change every so often. I feel like I have to be in charge of making lesson plans and really there is no lesson plans but I think there need to be because the more we can get through these children now the better. If I don't have control of the day, I feel like I need to take to back or want to. I just feel a lot of times that things are not going my way but yet they are going great so I'm not complaining. I just want it more organized and control in some way for the children's sake because I honestly believe that they would do a lot better if we had a real routine and followed it but more then doing just two things.
Next, I will tell you about my personal life. This is where I was last night while realizing that I am a control freak. To any guy friends that read this, if any, you all have helped me grow so much these past years. It was my way of thinking and I'm even now trying to change and I see that change through my friends not just my guy friends but those are the ones I'm going to talk about. It all started in high school when I wanted to control the kind of girls that my crush was going out with but I never did anything about it because I didn't want him to know I was kind of jealous at the time. I would get mad at him instead and not talk to him until he broke up with the girl he was going out with. That is the short version of it.
Then a guy friend in college wanted to start his own show and at first I didn't know how I felt about it because at first he was going to move away from where I was planning to go and then he didn't. He graduated a year before me and I was keeping an eye on what he was doing with the show. Deep down I will admit, I didn't want him to make it big as first but yet I made myself support him and if he was going to make it big, I would be the one he would thank because I had it under control with helping him when he needed. Needless to say, that was back in college and now he has proven to me that he doesn't need my help at all. He is a big CEO and he got that way by himself and God, not me.
Then, like a year ago, I was trying to control this friendship with a guy friend and it had some hard months. I had to take time and think about things. What I mean by trying to control it was that I would ask him to hang out instead of vice via. I would go up and talk to him when he didn't want to talk or was busy. There were some things that I said that I shouldn't have said. We also have to look back at that time because it was when I didn't have a job so I felt like I lost everything and was in control of nothing so I needed to find something. Now I feel bad that I did that and hopefully I understand what He feels because He told me and I know where he stands now and I hope that I'm respecting that for him.
Then, something else that I am going through right now with a guy friend. This is a guy friend that I met at work and things happened that and I got started talking to him after he changed jobs. He is a great guy that loves children as his 2nd passion and he has something else that is his 1st passion but I did find myself trying to control that again but I'm backing off before it is too late. He wants to travel and do his 1st passion next year if possible which is great. At the very start of talking with him, I look back now and think was I trying to change his passion (aka have control over it) by making him see how great he is with children and non-profit companies.
All these things to say that I have been trying to control other people's lives when I need to control mine in a certain way and just let God be with my friends. I don't need to be the one in control or the fixer upper. God is! I do believe that my trigger is either worry too much or caring too much about my friends whether girls or guys. Why worry when I don't know anything compared to God? Why can't I just control my own life if anyone's life? I need to learn to back off with friends and of myself because the rate I am going I will never get married because no guy likes to be under a control freak for a wife. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I'm too hard on myself at times because I am not in control like I think I should be. I'm letting everyone around me down or that is what I'm thinking at least.
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Christmas Eve Sermon
Brett Furgason John 3:16-Main verse -God initiates because He loves us. -God loves us even when we are broken and sinful. -Gave His One of a...
