Control Freak

          My title might not be a very good one because it is telling a truth about me. I am a control freak. It has always been in my blood but it seems like lately it is just getting bigger and it is worrying me because I never wanted to be one. I need to learn how to control at work and in my personal life. Being a control freak as two different meanings in those two situations. One situation you can be if needed but the other one you can't be or not how I am being at least.
           This idea dawned on my last night while at a Bible study about Boundaries. I read the book "Boundaries" and we went over it but it hit me differently because I am in a different situation as I was back then and things have gotten better. I'm kind of a new person now too. I handle things a little bit differently but still seems like I worry some and want to have control over a lot of things. First, I will tell you about my job.
            I moved to morning shift which I thought would be easier and a lot more fun because I actually get to do things with the children but it is so so. I feel like I have the control over the activities by myself plus other things. I just feel like I have to be in control of the children and keep them busy with different things to do because they can't just stay busy with one thing all shift. They need change every so often. I feel like I have to be in charge of making lesson plans and really there is no lesson plans but I think there need to be because the more we can get through these children now the better. If I don't have control of the day, I feel like I need to take to back or want to. I just feel a lot of times that things are not going my way but yet they are going great so I'm not complaining. I just want it more organized and control in some way for the children's sake because I honestly believe that they would do a lot better if we had a real routine and followed it but more then doing just two things.
           Next, I will tell you about my personal life. This is where I was last night while realizing that I am a control freak. To any guy friends that read this, if any, you all have helped me grow so much these past years. It was my way of thinking and I'm even now trying to change and I see that change through my friends not just my guy friends but those are the ones I'm going to talk about. It all started in high school when I wanted to control the kind of girls that my crush was going out with but I never did anything about it because I didn't want him to know I was kind of jealous at the time. I would get mad at him instead and not talk to him until he broke up with the girl he was going out with. That is the short version of it.
            Then a guy friend in college wanted to start his own show and at first I didn't know how I felt about it because at first he was going to move away from where I was planning to go and then he didn't. He graduated a year before me and I was keeping an eye on what he was doing with the show. Deep down I will admit, I didn't want him to make it big as first but yet I made myself support him and if he was going to make it big, I would be the one he would thank because I had it under control with helping him when he needed. Needless to say, that was back in college and now he has proven to me that he doesn't need my help at all. He is a big CEO and he got that way by himself and God, not me.
           Then, like a year ago, I was trying to control this friendship with a guy friend and it had some hard months. I had to take time and think about things. What I mean by trying to control it was that I would ask him to hang out instead of vice via. I would go up and talk to him when he didn't want to talk or was busy. There were some things that I said that I shouldn't have said. We also have to look back at that time because it was when I didn't have a job so I felt like I lost everything and was in control of nothing so I needed to find something. Now I feel bad that I did that and hopefully I understand what He feels because He told me and I know where he stands now and I hope that I'm respecting that for him.
            Then, something else that I am going through right now with a guy friend. This is a guy friend that I met at work and things happened that and I got started talking to him after he changed jobs. He is a great guy that loves children as his 2nd passion and he has something else that is his 1st passion but I did find myself trying to control that again but I'm backing off before it is too late. He wants to travel and do his 1st passion next year if possible which is great. At the very start of talking with him, I look back now and think was I trying to change his passion (aka have control over it) by making him see how great he is with children and non-profit companies.
             All these things to say that I have been trying to control other people's lives when I need to control mine in a certain way and just let God be with my friends. I don't need to be the one in control or the fixer upper. God is! I do believe that my trigger is either worry too much or caring too much about my friends whether girls or guys. Why worry when I don't know anything compared to God? Why can't I just control my own life if anyone's life? I need to learn to back off with friends and of myself because the rate I am going I will never get married because no guy likes to be under a control freak for a wife. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I'm too hard on myself at times because I am not in control like I think I should be. I'm letting everyone around me down or that is what I'm thinking at least.