Sunshine Inside, Sunshine Outside

       When you see your grandma looking outside of a window or doors, does it make you upset? Do you just want to take her outside and let her feel the fresh air especially when you know she loves it? It was so neat to see and hear because my grandma, when she saw the sunshine, said, "The sun" and she smiled so big. I can't believe or stand that someone, especially, someone I care about is locked inside a nursing home because they are too busy to take her out for even a second.
         How would you like to be inside staring at the sunshine from there? Not feeling it rays of warm shine or see it really sparkle things up. It must be so boring. Loving the outdoors really runs in my family and how I was born and raised. Sunshine inside and sunshine outside. Which would you rather have and I'm just not talking about the bright sun? The title/saying could be taken as an action phase in life.
        When I think about sunshine inside, I think about holding it inside of yourself. You are thinking about yourself and holding it all in. You want to do everything for yourself and it makes you feel good. That is great until you get too prideful and do things just to be noticed. When you have the sunshine inside, you can also shine it on your outside but you have to grow the inside. You have to be overwhelmed enough that you want to spill the rays out to the people around you.
        Other people can also shine to you from the outside but yet you can be so focused on something that you don't feel the warmth of the joy. If you don't focus on you and see and hear the other people around you then those rays of light and joy can go inside of you and make you feel like you are worth something.
          Sunshine inside and sunshine outside means that you are having God live in and with you all the time. In a way though, you have to be outside your comfort zone or out behind walls to see and feel the sunshine at all. That is the only way that God can move in and around you. When you are outside in the sunshine, you can play and move around in it where if you are behind walls you can't move around as much. Being outside in the sun, gives you a lot more space and freedom to run. Just being outside give you more freedom.
          That is why it always feels good to be out in God's creation. You could feel more freedom and closer to Him. The sunshine is just His Way of giving you joy and light to see Him in your life. So why don't you let the doors towards the sunshine be open and get out behind those walls that are/have been keeping you in and get outside and live your life to the fullest in 2015. It is a challenge for me and I want it to be a challenge to whoever read this entry. This is my New Year's entry and my last entry of 2014. Happy 2015!!!!

Being a New Me

        It has been a busy last few days for me. I did my Christmas with family and then went shopping for my birthday all in the last four days. While doing all of these things though, only one thing is on my mind and it is "being a new me in 2015". I have done a lot of things and have been okay with a lot of things that usually I'm not okay with. I don't know if I'm looking at everything through new eyes or if I have just changed that much in the past year or both.
        Let's take shopping for example. Yesterday we went shopping for my birthday and I got mostly clothes which I was happy with. Years before I would just want to go shopping for fun things but all I got this year was useful things like clothes and I am okay with that. I got useful things for Christmas too and I love what I got. It is like I want more useful things because I want to maybe settle down and use them. I want to grow up in that way.
        Something else I have thought about lately is a trip that I could be taking in the Fall with a friend of mine. Sort of a dream come true. I would go to the east coast and see things like the Mayflower, Plymouth Rock, the sunny beach side, and the big falls up by New York. A side of the states that I have never seen before. I also get to go see Maine which will be amazing. It will really be a new experience for me. It is strange to me because it seems like even though I like to have fun. It is the way I like to do it. I like to have fun by looking at the history of the states or anything. I would never go to a big party or theme park besides Disneyland. It would be neat to go to those big holiday parades and other things but then again I know my limits. I think about it every time I watch them on TV. Then I remember that I can't do a big crowd at all. It is just who I am. I am the introvert who likes to learn and then teach.
        I'm learning to be okay with who I am and other people will just have to live with it or leave. God made me this way for a reason and I like it. There are so many times that I have missed out on things just because I was scared of what others would think about me. I might be the introvert and that's okay. It is something that I have to learn to be okay with and make fun of at times. Then it is something else other people have to learn and be okay with about me. I have so many stories to tell if people would just take the time to listen to the old, quite me.
       Another goal I have this coming year is to read two books and hopefully do a Bible study with at least one more women one book each. The books are about becoming who God wants you to be and embracing that instead of other people's thoughts about you. I just have a feeling that this year is going to be life changing. It is a year of goals where I am going to break down those walls that I have built up for so long and be happy with who I am in God not who my friends or any one guy think I should be but just God and me. It will be hard but it will be so worth it to look back and see that I am able to joke about myself and just laugh at myself knowing that I'm that way for a reason. I am "old", goofy, and a child at heart for a reason.
        It is just nice to have this long Christmas break because I am learning a lot and hopefully I'm going to learn more. I have a lot of verses that I want to memorize and live out this next year. Hopefully, I can get them written out here and have you all follow along with me. I might make some challenges from some of the Bible verses and from the two books I am reading. Might tell you want I'm learning from them too. Make my blog a little more interactive this coming year. Seeing if I can make a difference through this way too. That's my goal. Being a real and new me and seeing how many others have thoughts and lives like I do. It will mainly be towards women but I'm sure there will be a few entries that can be for both women and men. A 2nd part of "Being a New Me" maybe to come (aka I have learned a lot more then this over break).

Christmas Traditions

         I am blessed to be able to spend Christmas Eve and Day with my parents plus a sister but it just isn't the same when I like a routine. You hear people say a lot that it is a hard time for people because of their loved ones passing or just them being alone whether that way or another way. I didn't get that meaning until this year and it is kind of sad but I'm enjoying every Christmas I have with my parents because I know I won't have forever. I would just like to have all of the family here but again I'm blessed that it was a quite and relaxing Christmas this year. That's one of the good things about it out of the many.
         My sister and I still got to open our 2 presents from our parents and got to get our stockings early. We did that around 11:00 in the morning though when we usually do it around 6:00 in the morning after certain people wake other people up. We see what Santa left for the grandkids of course and get to play that part still so the grandkids don't know. I think the thing I miss the most is having my nieces and nephews around to watch them get excited and open presents. We are having a family get together this weekend it but just not the same. We had a big supper with turkey, corn, stuffing, mashed patatoes, and more but just not the same again for a girl who loves routine.
        It is also hard on me because I'm thinking that I know it is coming when I need to set my own traditions for my own family and that will be hard. Trying to compromise with another person. Yet this Christmas I did think about certain friends and their families and what they were doing today. What their traditions were because I know to some people traditions are everything like to me but I'm not the only one that I'm sure of.
        It is hard not to feel lonely when you are used to having 4 other brothers and sisters around you plus their families. I know they need to do their own thing but as a single it is just hitting me so hard this year for some reason. I just sat and watch TV which was relaxing and the movies that were on were cute ones but it just almost like another day to me.
         There are good things that comes from not having that big of a group. You really get to focus on Jesus and what He did for us on this speical day. More relaxation. Another thing that was fun about today is that we got to cook all the pies and some more candy for when we do get together as a family. I think the big problem is that I'm just growing up to an adult and getting rid of that child feeling when it comes to Christmas is a scary thing to me. Having to become more independant on Christmas and breaking all the traditions we did as kids. Forgetting all the fun times until and if I ever have children of my own. I know I can always pass them on but what if my future husband doesn't agree or what if I never have children or a family of my own to share traditions with.
          I know Christmas is not about traditions. It is all about Jesus coming to save us from the world of sin and the people around you but if those people aren't around you then how are you to celabrate. One way that I thought of today while watching movies is just to go out a give to other people. In a way, I honestly did miss my children at work today and yes I did think about them some. Wondering how they like the toys I picked out for them and so on.
          Christmas as always been my favorite holiday and I think it is, not only because my birthday is near, but also because it is all about giving to other people. It is a selfless holiday and if you don't know me just yet I am a selfless person with a servant's heart. Christmas is just beautiful in so many ways but it is really beautiful when you give yourself away and by that I mean time, gifts, and other things. Maybe that is another reason that I miss having family or people around doing things because I feel like I give to my nieces and nephews without them even knowing. Just my time and joy is all that needs to be given to anyone plus if I can fit a message about Christ in there somewhere it is always a plus.
         

The Gingerbread Man

         Today is Christmas Eve and it was so much fun! It made be sleepy when I got home but it was worth it with the children. I also didn't get much of the chores done but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I did so many Christmasy things with them it was so fun.
          First, I started the Christmas Eve day by painting the girls' fingernails. I had green and red nail polish with gold glitter over the colors if they wanted it. I painted the preschoolers' and the toddlers' nails. It was so cute because one of the toddlers seem to know what I was doing because she sat so still while I was painting them. After I was done with hers, she just laid her hand flat on her legs to let them dry. It was also cute at first because when she saw the polish, she took off one of her socks because she wanted her toes painted first but I didn't pain them because they were still painted. She "picked" the green polish, which I thought was neat too.
          Neat, we mixed some dough to make gingerbread man cookies because I had a teddy bear that told us the recipe for it. I put the dough in the cold for a hour like it said. It didn't get hard at all so during nap time I added some more flour and a gingerbread mix and it turned out prefect. As the children woke up one by one, I would let them help me patted it out and then they got to use the cookie cutters on their own to make cookies. They had a blast doing it. There was a smile on each their faces and some laughter too. It was also a mess when we patted it out on the table because I put flour down first so it wouldn't stick too bad. It did stick a little but not too bad. I had one little child play in the flour while I was getting it to where he could make the cookie. Before I left the place, it smelled like Christmas. There was gingerbread smell all over the place.
            I had the two older girls mix the cookie dough and listen to my teddy bear say the recipe and they really enjoyed that. Then when a child would get up from nap I would let them cut some cookies out before they would go watch a movie. Three children got the chance to cut some out before the dough was all gone. The children got to eat the gingerbread man cookies for afternoon snack. Before they ate them, though, they got to decorate them with icing.
            Then before lunch, I helped the children string some jingle bells on a string so they could wear it as a bracelet. They had fun with those too. Not very many children could put the bells on the string so I had to help most of them but one of the children did it all by himself and I was really surprised that he could do it at all.
            It kept me really busy today but I loved every moment of it. It made the day go by faster so I could go home sooner but mostly it made me smile because I know the children enjoyed it. They wanted to do everything. It is for sure a Christmas Eve for me to remember. I try to make it happy for the children. Try to do things that they would do at a good home or stuff I did at my home or would want to do with my own children because right now they are my children. I'm so blessed that I got to work during the morning this Christmas Eve. Working on nights were just too busy and too hard to do things for the children but now I feel like I have a lot more time to do just that. I have that time to spend one on one with each of them.
            It was a true Christmas Eve after all! I hope and pray that I made a difference in those children' lives even if it was just for today and only today.
         

Breaking It Down

         I have been up since midnight thinking over Christmas and some other things that are going on in my life. One of the things that I was thinking about is breaking walls that I have built with people over the years. By that I mean, I have built walls to keep people out to keep people from knowing the real me and because of that reason I have no true friends yet. People try but without knowing I build up a wall to shut them out. It doesn't matter if it is a girl or a guy. I don't mean to do it either that has become a habit for me sadly. I had to do it all through high school so I wouldn't get hurt too bad.
         I didn't notice that it was a bad habit that I had since here recently because of a Bible study. When I think about breaking my own walls down so I can get to know people better and vice via, I think about the children that I come in contact with everyday. In a way, emotionally, I'm just like them. Yes, I have lived a better life but I have been hurt during it too. Might not of been by my family but was by my friends. It is scary how much any human as in common even little children with adults.
         I woke up thinking this morning that I am helping those children break down some bad walls. Walls where I totally understand if they didn't want to trust another human being in their life. Walls where they already had to start building at preschool age and they don't even know what they are doing and why. Walls to keep them safe and unhurt. Walls to keep having fun when everything around them is taken away. Walls of changing homes every 3 months or shorter time. I break down every one of those walls or want to but sometimes I only have enough time to break through 2 or 3 of them.
          I took that thought back to the walls I have because of high school. Walls where I wasn't good enough. Walls where I was dumb. Walls where I didn't fit in where I should have. Walls where I wasn't pretty enough. Walls where I couldn't even trust my own friends because they would stab me right in the back day after day. Just like those children I can't break them myself. I need God and friends to help me break them down. I need God to break down those walls and show me who I am in Him and that He loves me for me. Just like I show those children at work that I love them no matter how they behave and who they are capable of being. Yes, there are limits but I don't treat them as bad as some of them have been treated. I never could.
         It is like the child as to please every foster home plus their own parents because they still want to go back to them but for now they are in a foster home so they put on a front. Even if they move from foster home to foster home, every set of parents are different so they have to put on a different mask. These poor children have no idea who they are or can be. As a child of God, we have that gift to be thankful for. We know who we belong and He never leaves nor forsakes us. Sometimes we do go from thing to thing or person to person to try and fit in in this world, but eventually if we are a child of God He calls us back into His Arms.
         Just like trying to help those children break down those walls, it isn't easy to break down your own by yourself. Those children have so much help to look to if they only would and knew how. AS "normal" people we have that choice too. We have friends and family around us that will show us we have fallen off the path of God when we do. We have people who care enough to really get to know the real us. The children in the foster care system. Well that is it, it is a system and sadly the children are treated like that. There is a God who loves them and they should know that and have a choice to follow Him because no one will break down those walls but Him. We can try and help but they don't tell us everything so we don't know everything. Only God knows everything and only He can fix everything. He is all knowing and a wonderful Father.
          This is what I have been thinking about since midnight today. See why I couldn't get back to sleep. Now it is time to get ready for work so it will be a coffee and pop kind of day for me so I can stay awake and energetic for the children.

Little Girl in a Black Dress

         I know it is early and not to many people read these things this early but this subject has been off and on my mind for about a month now. I love how it can relate to both spiritual life and real life plus my future life. To be honest, I'll start from the start of the story. This entry has to do with the passing of a close old friend of mine. He was like a 2nd father to me. I already wrote some entries right after the passing but this thought would not leave me just yet. The reason is that the funeral was just different in a way for me then others I have been to.
         Yes, it was a small country funeral with mostly family there. It seemed to be very causal because for once I was too dressed up but yet I was the only one crying out loud I felt like. I wore a black polka dotted dress with a little jacket over it because it has tank top like sleeves. Now that I look back on it now, I was that little girl that I always was to him. That little girl dressed up in dresses trying to impress him and make him happy because that is what little girls do. Now don't get me wrong I also wanted to make a good impression for him with the people around at the funeral. That was my first thought and main thought. I was sure the one that stuck out like a sore thumb if the dress didn't do it the crying sure did.
          To be honest again, I did feel really small at the funeral because I didn't know anyone there and I was the only one crying. I felt like I was in the back picture but I knew it would have and did mean so much to him and his wife that I was there. I was someone that they could count on even though I haven't done a very good job with that in the past few years while in college and things like that. It is getting better though. It is sad how we wait so long to see someone when we get older and as soon as we hear they are sick we jump to the rescue and try to make up time thinking things haven't change but yet they have. We take love for granted most of the time and sadly it is with the people that care most about us and knows most about us too.
          The more I think about it though the more I just remember him playing with his little girl out on the farm, treating her like a princess. That princess would ride in his farm truck to go deliver the eggs and milk. That little girl would go for walks in the woods with him. That little girl would try and milk the cows with him but didn't last long.
           I was also thinking "little girl in a black dress" for God too. I know I will always be His little girl and He will always lead me to where He wants me to be. He will keep me safe and happy. I will always be his little girl no matter how old I get. He will always watch over me and keep His promises. I can always turn to Him when I need help and am lonely. I can dance with both of them while wearing that little back dress in my dreams.
           I got to thinking about my future and the kind of guy I want in my life for me and my children if God willing and one just like him would work. One that treats me like a little girl and by that I mean spoils me. I want my freedom still but I want to be spoiled too. I want to be his little girl/princess. I want a country guy that knows how to treat a country girl. That understands the soft heart of a country girl and will be there when I need a shoulder to cry on. In a way, I always want to be that little girl in that black dress because that brought back so many wonderful memories that I sometimes wish I could relive so I could remember them for good.
            Something tells me though that if I find a country guy that cares enough I will get to live those moments again through that life and through my own children or that is my dream at least. I need to find a guy that completely understands my country heart because it is not that simple finding one in the business world.
         

Catching up Before Christmas Break

         Sorry that I have not written in a week. Things are started to get crazy already before Christmas and I'm just getting over my seasonal sickness that always happens around this time each year. Keeping up with children right before Christmas is never easy especially when you have to stay inside most of the time because it is either too wet or too cold to go outside. I'm going to catch you up on some things that have been happening this week that are special to me.
          I had a Ladies' Bible study this past Monday which really touched my heart. Some ladies shared their testimonies and they hit me right on the spot where I needed to be hit. One of the ladies even looked straight at me but I needed that. A lot of things have been going on with me this past month and I have tried to keep busy with work and/or just been by myself to deal with those things and that doesn't help at all. It was a lot about how we, especially women, build walls up around our emotions to let no one else in because we are scared that we might not make a good impression when we need to. We might cry or get really mad when there is no need for it. We are scared to be our true selves most of the time and that is sad because the world needs more genuine women now days then ever.
           I saw this quote on Facebook and I loved it so much that I reposted it on my page. It said, "Maybe the journey isn't about becoming anything, maybe it is about un-becoming everything that really isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." I feel like I'm at that point now where I am learning who I was meant to be and I need to go back to that. I need to stop trying to be someone I'm not. I need to stop trying to fit into the city life and just live the country life like I was meant to live. We can get so caught up in the world's way of thinking what we are suppose to be like that we forget who God made us to be and the plans He has for us.
          Then I had another special moment this week and it happened yesterday but started on Thursday.  The craft for the children on Thursday was to paint paper cups as reindeer so they could give them to the admin. as a Christmas gift with candy inside. I put the candy inside of them yesterday and then we went on a little walk throughout the building and gave them to each of the admin. as a little Christmas gift. It was cute to watch because some of the children would give them freely before they saw what was in them and when they saw the candy they held on to them. Some of the children gave them away no matter what. It didn't matter to them what was inside them. It was a little crazy and the reindeers weren't too good but they were made by the children so that is all that matters plus the candy inside. Even though, I didn't feel well while doing it, it made my heart happy to see the children doing something like that and to see their smiles on their faces when the admin. smiled and gave some of them hugs.
            I didn't explain the process of giving but I hope and pray that they each got it in some way. Even if it is not now, hope they will look back as they get older and be like "so that is what we were doing when we did that". To me, it was just a good way to teach what giving was and how to do it with talking about it. Besides, it is always the actions that count when it comes to blessings and giving then the words themselves, right? Actions mean more then words. I am a person of action as most people who know be can tell. I don't talk a lot at all even now but I'm glad to help out whenever and wherever I can.
            That was my week in a nutshell besides being sick the past two days but hopefully I will get over it in the next day or two. Get it done and over with before Christmas and birthday.