Being a peace with where God has me is nothing like I ever felt before. I have spent the past few days at my parents' house and it was totally peaceful there. I have been through a lot of things these past few weeks but any way I look at those things, those things are good for me. I am just getting stronger because of those things and getting to know the real me and what my purpose is here on this earth.
I tend to stress out a lot about things especially when they are not the way I have planned them but as the days go on I am seeing that maybe God does have a way better then I do for me. Maybe God's way is the best way. I know and believe I am getting a million of prayers from out around me because of things that have happened and I am thankful for that. I can feel the peace from those prayers. I have had the time to look back and why the recent things have happened in my life and been able to talk to people about those things. Both of those things have helped big time.
To me, at this moment in my life, being at peace means a lot of different things. It means that you can spend days out in the country with your family and not having to worry about getting back for a job on time. You can spend however many days you want there. It means spending time with your parents after someone you all loved passed away because you know people are meant to go away from this earth. It means that you take time for the small things in life because you never know what is going to happen the next day or even year. Right now, I could care less about having a job as long as I have family and friends that can take care of me and that I can support right back.
Being at peace means sitting in a swimming pool at night and watching the fire flies come up from out of the ground at a certain time. Being at peace means being able to sit on the back porch and listen and watch the rainstorm come down in the cool of the weather. Being at peace is know that a friend of yours is living their dream even when you are not right at the moment. Being at peace means you have hope and can see that hope in your life. Being at peace is knowing that a loved one that as passed away is in a better place now.
Being at peace can mean a lot of things but I know at this moment in my life, I have never felt it more then I do now. It is hard to explain at times but it is a good feeling. My mind seems empty in a good way and I just feel more free then I have ever been before. I can lay down at night and go to sleep without thinking anything. I can pay attention to what matters most and that is the people around me. Being at peace means that as far as you can see and hope into the future, that things might take time but they will happen like your heart desires.
I can tell you, for sure, that what I am going through in the past, now and have a feeling that I will be going through, I didn't ask for but God knew what was best for me to grow. The more that I live my life the more I see it unfold and that gives me peace. Seeing what I am seeing now also give me the courage to pray for the things I want to happen but only if it will bring God glory and that is what I pray too. God has shown me so much this far in my life and I can only think of what more He can show me. I think one thing that I learned from the events that have happened in the past few weeks in my life right now is that a ministry does not need to be in your career. It is a blessing if it can be in a career but a ministry is something that you love and are willing to do for the glory of God, not for money.
You can live a life of ministry while working at a job where the pay means nothing. It is kind of like having a human job (aka career) and then a spiritual job (aka working for God). I was trying to fit both into one and when you do that, it can stress you out big time. Trying to please the people around you plus God is not an easy thing to do.
My question to myself and you can ask yourself this too is: Do I have a career and then do I have time and the energy to do something for God outside of my career? Now don't get me wrong you can glorify God at your work but that is not the only place you can give Him the glory so don't let your career take all of your energy away.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Why do I Journal/Blog?
My grandma went to be with the Lord last night at around midnight. She is now talking and singing with her Father in Heaven. There is no more pain for her and she can hear and talk again. She is in the "Garden of Eden" looking at and planting the flowers and listening to the birds. I'm handling pretty well for now because I am at my parents' house. I did cry hard Friday night when I first heard she had only so long to live.
I went up to KC to see her yesterday for the last night and she was sleeping peacefully. My aunt had put an old tape player by her ear with soft Christian music playing. She loved her music too. My aunt was there just being with my grandma (her mom). We probably spent about a hour and a half at the nursing home and then we went out to eat lunch together. Before I left, I rubbed her hair and told her that "I loved her". I didn't cry when I did that either which was another big surprise and answer to prayer but of course I was up at 3:00 am in the morning reading verse after verse from the Bible that she had and that I got. I also spent the trip up there writing out a chapter of the Bible that was from church a week before. I just felt like I had the Lord's comfort in all of this and I will see it is really surprising.
I have had a lot of losses here recently but God knew the Timing so I kind of see now why things happened the way they did. I'm resting and taking time to be with family which is needed big time. It seems like my mission right now is just being around family and friends. It is hard when you lose a father like person not even a year ago because in some ways you are still trying to get over that. It will be a year this November. Then you lose your job 2 weeks before. Then your grandma passes away. What's next is what you wonder? I really couldn't have guessed that everything that has happened has happened like it did. It is all in God's Timing and He knew that.
Then again I have a couple of things I can be thankful for like getting a new niece and spending time with my nephews and nieces. A friend's dream is coming true a little at a time and a big step just happened two weeks ago. I got to see my college girlfriends and catch up with them after like 2 years of not seeing most of them. I don't know where my life is going right now but I'm okay with that. My grandma would of wanted me to take time with family and the Lord and just rest for awhile. That is what I am doing right now. She would want me to celebrate the hard times and I am by resting.
There are somethings that I would remember that my grandma left behind. The main thing was she was a strong and quite women of God. She devoted her life to the church and people. She loved people and would talk non-stop. She also loved God's Creation, mainly flowers and birds. She would spend most of her time outside in the garden. She loved her grandkids and her great grandkids. She was always there for us. Those on the big things that I will remember about my grandma. There are some little things that I will remember and hope to carry on with my future family and now if I can.
I already underline the words that mean the most to me in the cards that I send. I got that from her. I need to start putting verses in them like she did. I loved how she gave each grand child a Christmas ornament or even when we got a gift it would always have a verse somewhere on it or in it even. Then you might be wondering why I like blogging or where I get it from. I love doing it and writing down all my memories or important events in my life and I get that from my grandma too. She has a lot of journals that she left behind that I am hoping to get if no one else wants them. She also took a lot of notes during sermons like I do. That will probably be the one material thing that I hang on to and make sure I do because that is how I express myself the best. My future husband will just have to get use to that some day because it does mean something more to me.
I will feel strange without my grandma or any of my grandparents around. I'm only 27 years old and my grandparents all went to be with the Lord. If that doesn't make a girl strong, I don't know what does. I know I was blessed even having grandparents growing up but when I think about it, "I think has this all really happened. I'm only 27 years old that seems a little to young to lose all of your grandparents." I know it really isn't when you consider how many kids are in my family but that is what it seems like. Grandma is happy now and that is all that truly matters and I know for sure that she is with the Lord so that, of course, helps a lot.
There was or is no question "is she going to be with the Lord when she passes?" She lived a life where you knew for sure that she would be going with the Lord when she passed away. One thing, if I learned anything from her when she lived, is that that is how I should be living my life. Loving other people and God and forget about me. Taking into consideration what other people are feeling and help them out.
She was a GREAT example of what it meant to having God shine His Light through a person. I wanna live like that.
I went up to KC to see her yesterday for the last night and she was sleeping peacefully. My aunt had put an old tape player by her ear with soft Christian music playing. She loved her music too. My aunt was there just being with my grandma (her mom). We probably spent about a hour and a half at the nursing home and then we went out to eat lunch together. Before I left, I rubbed her hair and told her that "I loved her". I didn't cry when I did that either which was another big surprise and answer to prayer but of course I was up at 3:00 am in the morning reading verse after verse from the Bible that she had and that I got. I also spent the trip up there writing out a chapter of the Bible that was from church a week before. I just felt like I had the Lord's comfort in all of this and I will see it is really surprising.
I have had a lot of losses here recently but God knew the Timing so I kind of see now why things happened the way they did. I'm resting and taking time to be with family which is needed big time. It seems like my mission right now is just being around family and friends. It is hard when you lose a father like person not even a year ago because in some ways you are still trying to get over that. It will be a year this November. Then you lose your job 2 weeks before. Then your grandma passes away. What's next is what you wonder? I really couldn't have guessed that everything that has happened has happened like it did. It is all in God's Timing and He knew that.
Then again I have a couple of things I can be thankful for like getting a new niece and spending time with my nephews and nieces. A friend's dream is coming true a little at a time and a big step just happened two weeks ago. I got to see my college girlfriends and catch up with them after like 2 years of not seeing most of them. I don't know where my life is going right now but I'm okay with that. My grandma would of wanted me to take time with family and the Lord and just rest for awhile. That is what I am doing right now. She would want me to celebrate the hard times and I am by resting.
There are somethings that I would remember that my grandma left behind. The main thing was she was a strong and quite women of God. She devoted her life to the church and people. She loved people and would talk non-stop. She also loved God's Creation, mainly flowers and birds. She would spend most of her time outside in the garden. She loved her grandkids and her great grandkids. She was always there for us. Those on the big things that I will remember about my grandma. There are some little things that I will remember and hope to carry on with my future family and now if I can.
I already underline the words that mean the most to me in the cards that I send. I got that from her. I need to start putting verses in them like she did. I loved how she gave each grand child a Christmas ornament or even when we got a gift it would always have a verse somewhere on it or in it even. Then you might be wondering why I like blogging or where I get it from. I love doing it and writing down all my memories or important events in my life and I get that from my grandma too. She has a lot of journals that she left behind that I am hoping to get if no one else wants them. She also took a lot of notes during sermons like I do. That will probably be the one material thing that I hang on to and make sure I do because that is how I express myself the best. My future husband will just have to get use to that some day because it does mean something more to me.
I will feel strange without my grandma or any of my grandparents around. I'm only 27 years old and my grandparents all went to be with the Lord. If that doesn't make a girl strong, I don't know what does. I know I was blessed even having grandparents growing up but when I think about it, "I think has this all really happened. I'm only 27 years old that seems a little to young to lose all of your grandparents." I know it really isn't when you consider how many kids are in my family but that is what it seems like. Grandma is happy now and that is all that truly matters and I know for sure that she is with the Lord so that, of course, helps a lot.
There was or is no question "is she going to be with the Lord when she passes?" She lived a life where you knew for sure that she would be going with the Lord when she passed away. One thing, if I learned anything from her when she lived, is that that is how I should be living my life. Loving other people and God and forget about me. Taking into consideration what other people are feeling and help them out.
She was a GREAT example of what it meant to having God shine His Light through a person. I wanna live like that.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
What is Humility?
As I was thinking about this entry, there was a lot of things and titles that I could name it but then I thought about what I heard this past Saturday night at church and it just really got to me in so many ways so I'll write this entry using that. I will say though that the first title and theme I was going to write was "Doing Everything Backwards", which I am but I think it has to do more with my humility then anything else. People might say that I am a kind, caring, compassionate, and so on kind of person but I honestly don't think the would "humbleness" would be in there. I need a lot more learning on what that word means.
This past Saturday night at church, I learn what it meant through David and his Humility to God. My pastor said something and it stuck with me and I think it will until at least this hard, rough patch goes past me. He said, "Humility: Reordering one's life around God's standards." I really think that is what God is trying to show me through this hard time. I was getting to proud and wanting to get a higher spot at my job. I wanted to get the attention because I thought I was doing more then anyone else but now we see where that led me. I wanted to move up a spot but yet there was no spot where I wanted to move up to at that place. I wanted to be with the children but yet wanted to do more with them.
I will admit when I graduated from college, I went straight into the working field full time. There was no part time jobs for me and I didn't want to go to grad. college. I wanted to go right into the field that my degree was in but it didn't turn out so great for me. I didn't have time to think. I had that summer after college to think but to me that was it. Then after my first job in AR, I felt like I had to get another job right away because I would be a failure if I didn't plus losing a big job was a first for me so I didn't know what I was going to do besides another job.
Then I guess this last job is when humility really struck me with the children and just with life. As people, we try so hard to reach the top when other people don't have a chance at all. When the little children don't have the chance but it isn't their fault that they don't. It was just so neat to see them change just on the 45 days that we had them. I hated it when they would change for the good when they were with us for a little while and then right before they went somewhere, they would shut down again. It always broke my heart to see that. Just to see the humility the little children had or at least some of them without knowing what it was was the sweetest thing to see.
They wouldn't have anything but yet they would share some of the things that they had there. They would speak of God even when things weren't going well for them. They would say "I wish" and then name off things that they want like a space room or so on. To see them say "sorry" by themselves even if they only meant it for a few mins and then went back to do the same thing. It is great and humbling when we didn't have to remind them.
God is taking me on that kind of journey right now in my own personal life and I learned it from the children and the time I spent working there. I didn't have enough humility to spend time with my family or friends. I was always focus on what I could do better there and trying to reach for the next big thing when really the children only matter there. I've spent a lot of time with my brother and his family and to be honest I have missed it a lot. Then my grandma is really sick and I can't remember when the last time I went to see her was probably around Christmas time. God is just giving me time to just spend so good old time with the people that I love and pay attention to them even if it is the biggest thing that is happening to them.
God might want me to get a retail job or even a part time job and go back to school to be an OT but that is fine because I am learning humility right along with that path. I started out big when really I think I should have started out small like everyone else around me. I was worried about getting to my dream in a hurry instead of living my 20s with family and friends. I didn't know how to handle those big companies or people. My life and personality is not ready for all those big companions. I still have a lot to learn about working and myself in general. I have to humble myself and learn those things about me and I have to be honest and admit it to myself too.
I see some people (friends) with their dream job already but that is because they started out small and humble and followed God. I wanted to do things my way and start out big and look where it got me at the age of 27 years. Then there is another side to it that maybe God wanted me on the retail side now because it is also easier to be a stay at home mom even if that was ever to come true. I could go to college and then maybe work my own hours as a OTA. I wouldn't feel so bad about quitting where I am at or at least I say that now.
I don't know what God has in store for me right now because things that have been going on I was for sure not planning. I have to reorder my life around God's plan because my starting big and staying there did not work really well. So now it is reordered to starting small and humble and maybe ending up big or at least happy. Things, right now, have been jumping up at me from all sides and that is great but as I look on I have no idea where I am going to end up. Only God knows where and when. Humility is a thing I need to work on big time and I think God is teaching me that now between jobs and maybe even during the job I find.
This past Saturday night at church, I learn what it meant through David and his Humility to God. My pastor said something and it stuck with me and I think it will until at least this hard, rough patch goes past me. He said, "Humility: Reordering one's life around God's standards." I really think that is what God is trying to show me through this hard time. I was getting to proud and wanting to get a higher spot at my job. I wanted to get the attention because I thought I was doing more then anyone else but now we see where that led me. I wanted to move up a spot but yet there was no spot where I wanted to move up to at that place. I wanted to be with the children but yet wanted to do more with them.
I will admit when I graduated from college, I went straight into the working field full time. There was no part time jobs for me and I didn't want to go to grad. college. I wanted to go right into the field that my degree was in but it didn't turn out so great for me. I didn't have time to think. I had that summer after college to think but to me that was it. Then after my first job in AR, I felt like I had to get another job right away because I would be a failure if I didn't plus losing a big job was a first for me so I didn't know what I was going to do besides another job.
Then I guess this last job is when humility really struck me with the children and just with life. As people, we try so hard to reach the top when other people don't have a chance at all. When the little children don't have the chance but it isn't their fault that they don't. It was just so neat to see them change just on the 45 days that we had them. I hated it when they would change for the good when they were with us for a little while and then right before they went somewhere, they would shut down again. It always broke my heart to see that. Just to see the humility the little children had or at least some of them without knowing what it was was the sweetest thing to see.
They wouldn't have anything but yet they would share some of the things that they had there. They would speak of God even when things weren't going well for them. They would say "I wish" and then name off things that they want like a space room or so on. To see them say "sorry" by themselves even if they only meant it for a few mins and then went back to do the same thing. It is great and humbling when we didn't have to remind them.
God is taking me on that kind of journey right now in my own personal life and I learned it from the children and the time I spent working there. I didn't have enough humility to spend time with my family or friends. I was always focus on what I could do better there and trying to reach for the next big thing when really the children only matter there. I've spent a lot of time with my brother and his family and to be honest I have missed it a lot. Then my grandma is really sick and I can't remember when the last time I went to see her was probably around Christmas time. God is just giving me time to just spend so good old time with the people that I love and pay attention to them even if it is the biggest thing that is happening to them.
God might want me to get a retail job or even a part time job and go back to school to be an OT but that is fine because I am learning humility right along with that path. I started out big when really I think I should have started out small like everyone else around me. I was worried about getting to my dream in a hurry instead of living my 20s with family and friends. I didn't know how to handle those big companies or people. My life and personality is not ready for all those big companions. I still have a lot to learn about working and myself in general. I have to humble myself and learn those things about me and I have to be honest and admit it to myself too.
I see some people (friends) with their dream job already but that is because they started out small and humble and followed God. I wanted to do things my way and start out big and look where it got me at the age of 27 years. Then there is another side to it that maybe God wanted me on the retail side now because it is also easier to be a stay at home mom even if that was ever to come true. I could go to college and then maybe work my own hours as a OTA. I wouldn't feel so bad about quitting where I am at or at least I say that now.
I don't know what God has in store for me right now because things that have been going on I was for sure not planning. I have to reorder my life around God's plan because my starting big and staying there did not work really well. So now it is reordered to starting small and humble and maybe ending up big or at least happy. Things, right now, have been jumping up at me from all sides and that is great but as I look on I have no idea where I am going to end up. Only God knows where and when. Humility is a thing I need to work on big time and I think God is teaching me that now between jobs and maybe even during the job I find.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Glad to be an Aunt
Now this is more for my memory then anything else but it is also really cute so I don't mind sharing it on here. It won't be a real long entry. I spent the evening with my nieces and nephews and they did some of the smartest and cutest things that they could think of while I was watching them.
Both of my nephews and their friend actually dug a "stream" under the swings and fill it with water from the water hose. They build to streams on each side leaving a big piece of "land" in the middle of them. Then both of those streams eventually got together and dumped into a "little pond" that they made at the end of the streams. They even found a big, long earth worm to play with in the streams and yes, they did play with it and watch it move all over the place. I just stood there in "awe" for a little bit watching them build it because it was great seeing some little boys actually out in nature using that brains to build things by themselves. I was thinking that is how I want my future children to play. None of this TV, iPhone, and video game stuff.
Then later on after we ate supper, I was holding the newest member of the family, another little niece for me, for awhile and there was a sweet moment there too. The 2nd and 3rd oldest children of the family (aka youngest nephew and other niece) was on each side of me watching and playing with their new little sister. I will say that in that moment, even though those children weren't really the children that lived with me (I just get to spoil them), it felt like I had my own little family around me. It was then I was thinking, "Is this what a real family feels like?" It was just neat to see those two nice and calm when usually they are very outgoing.
Those two moments just made me think about wanting a family of my own and I'm not disappointed to admit that at all. Yes, I know it will be awhile til I have one because I'm not married yet but that desire is the 1st desire of my heart. Why do you think I have a college degree in homemaking and child development? Not that you need one to have a family but I loved doing that stuff. Even now when I'm not working, I love organizing and cleaning things in my own apartment. Time just goes by faster for me when I do those things along with sewing and crafting and any other homemaking skills you can think of.
Both of my nephews and their friend actually dug a "stream" under the swings and fill it with water from the water hose. They build to streams on each side leaving a big piece of "land" in the middle of them. Then both of those streams eventually got together and dumped into a "little pond" that they made at the end of the streams. They even found a big, long earth worm to play with in the streams and yes, they did play with it and watch it move all over the place. I just stood there in "awe" for a little bit watching them build it because it was great seeing some little boys actually out in nature using that brains to build things by themselves. I was thinking that is how I want my future children to play. None of this TV, iPhone, and video game stuff.
Then later on after we ate supper, I was holding the newest member of the family, another little niece for me, for awhile and there was a sweet moment there too. The 2nd and 3rd oldest children of the family (aka youngest nephew and other niece) was on each side of me watching and playing with their new little sister. I will say that in that moment, even though those children weren't really the children that lived with me (I just get to spoil them), it felt like I had my own little family around me. It was then I was thinking, "Is this what a real family feels like?" It was just neat to see those two nice and calm when usually they are very outgoing.
Those two moments just made me think about wanting a family of my own and I'm not disappointed to admit that at all. Yes, I know it will be awhile til I have one because I'm not married yet but that desire is the 1st desire of my heart. Why do you think I have a college degree in homemaking and child development? Not that you need one to have a family but I loved doing that stuff. Even now when I'm not working, I love organizing and cleaning things in my own apartment. Time just goes by faster for me when I do those things along with sewing and crafting and any other homemaking skills you can think of.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
The ABCs of God
A-all knowing
B-beautiful
C-compassionate
D-dependable
E-everlasting
F-father
G-graceful
H-holy
I-inimate
J-joyful
K-knowledge
L-leader
M-mighty
N-nice
O-only one
P-patience
Q-quilt-This might be going a little far but Q is a hard one to think for but I picked quilt because God comforts us when we need Him to just like when you get under a quilt that is on your bed. You get under God when you need to be safe and "covered up".
R-redeemer
S-Savior
T-teacher
U-understanding
V-victorous
W-wise
X- x-ray vision because He can see right through us.
Y-yearning
Z-zealous
B-beautiful
C-compassionate
D-dependable
E-everlasting
F-father
G-graceful
H-holy
I-inimate
J-joyful
K-knowledge
L-leader
M-mighty
N-nice
O-only one
P-patience
Q-quilt-This might be going a little far but Q is a hard one to think for but I picked quilt because God comforts us when we need Him to just like when you get under a quilt that is on your bed. You get under God when you need to be safe and "covered up".
R-redeemer
S-Savior
T-teacher
U-understanding
V-victorous
W-wise
X- x-ray vision because He can see right through us.
Y-yearning
Z-zealous
Saturday, July 25, 2015
A New Chapter of Life
This week has been hard in some ways but at the same time I have been a lot more relaxed then I have been in awhile. There has been some changes in my life this week that are big changes but I'm not going to worry over then, which is a huge step for me. I turely believe what happened, happened for a reason. God was giving me other plans in my mind to pursue and if I couldn't do it where I was then He needed to move me so I could do it.
I love relaxing these past few days. It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted off my body. I can and have just laid in the middle of my living room floor and felt relaxed with nothing on my mind. I sleep better and seem happier. I can take care of myself more then I use to be able too. It is strange though that I'm not really worrying over getting another job. Then again I have plans and I know God has plans for me too. It is a time I can trust God and see Him work in the way He wants to work. There have been so many times that I have hurried in life and tried to do things my own way and well, we know now that that isn't the best way to handle things.
I have a plan that I want to and need to stick to this time. Where times before, I didn't have anything planned out or to work towards. I will say though that God has changed my heart after everything I have been though and that is a good thing. I have seen the importance of having family and friends and what it means to be really close to them. That is something I want to try while taking a break from jobs. Learned not to take things for granted like this break. Rest and take care of myself when I have the chance because it is a good thing to do. Times before, it was wanting to go to other countries and changing lives overseas, which I will still do on small trips if I got the chance but there are people in the states that need help too.
I have everything I need and love near me. Why move away from everything? I still don't get why I am calmer then I have been in the past but like I said I'm not really in a hurry or worried to find something. That is a big deal for me and I think part of it is that I learned that though my last job. My last job grew me a lot because it opened my eyes to things I never knew before. I have a house, family, and friends that love me and that is all that really matters right now. I have seen just this past week how much my family cares for me. I know they always do and they try all the time but I think this week I could just take that caring and advice in without anything else on my mind.
Everything has a different feeling then before. I am just amazed that though all of this I can see how much I have changed. I don't know what God has planned next for me and I might be a little scared because I know whatever it is it will be new for me but at the same time I know God has it under control. It is strange because I would rather take a few weeks crafting and sewing and reading then really looking for a job. It is really different when you work 40 hours under stressful situations and then you go to a time where you are doing nothing. Nothing can compare to the job I just had and I did grow a lot through that job.
If I move anywhere it would be back to where I started my life, which is around Joplin, MO. I would not what to go more north. I would and am around the places and people that I love and care about. I have made too many good friends here in AR that it would be really hard to leave them right off the bat. I'm not stressing about what is next for my life because I know God has that under control so I am trusting Him with it. For now, I am just relaxing in His Peace and Trust. We are talking it out a lot more then I use to with Him and I'm reading His Word a lot more. I am just feeling a peace that I never felt before and I don't want to get rid of it fast. I want to take each day as it comes in His Peace and Path for me.
I mean I'm almost 30 (3 more year) but I need to really think about where I want to be in those next 3 years and then after. Do I need to take more schooling? Do I want to live in AR or MO or somewhere else? Do I want to get married if so then I need the time and calmness to get to know guys around me? This is not something that I'm taking lightly but I really have a lot that I still need to work on with me and I can't do any of those things if I'm not healthy yet. Not too many people take the time to enjoy the peace that God gives them or the relaxation that He gives you just to deepen relationships whether with Him or with people around you. I want to be able to encourage and listen like I use to be able to do. That is something big that I have missed lately about myself.
If you are looking for me, I will be talking and relaxing In God's Peace. There might be chaos going on around me but I feel like I'm in God's peace and that is a first for me. I will get back in that chaos later on but for now let me enjoy God's Peace. I've done my 2 and a half years and even though it was rewarding it was hard too.
I love relaxing these past few days. It honestly feels like a weight has been lifted off my body. I can and have just laid in the middle of my living room floor and felt relaxed with nothing on my mind. I sleep better and seem happier. I can take care of myself more then I use to be able too. It is strange though that I'm not really worrying over getting another job. Then again I have plans and I know God has plans for me too. It is a time I can trust God and see Him work in the way He wants to work. There have been so many times that I have hurried in life and tried to do things my own way and well, we know now that that isn't the best way to handle things.
I have a plan that I want to and need to stick to this time. Where times before, I didn't have anything planned out or to work towards. I will say though that God has changed my heart after everything I have been though and that is a good thing. I have seen the importance of having family and friends and what it means to be really close to them. That is something I want to try while taking a break from jobs. Learned not to take things for granted like this break. Rest and take care of myself when I have the chance because it is a good thing to do. Times before, it was wanting to go to other countries and changing lives overseas, which I will still do on small trips if I got the chance but there are people in the states that need help too.
I have everything I need and love near me. Why move away from everything? I still don't get why I am calmer then I have been in the past but like I said I'm not really in a hurry or worried to find something. That is a big deal for me and I think part of it is that I learned that though my last job. My last job grew me a lot because it opened my eyes to things I never knew before. I have a house, family, and friends that love me and that is all that really matters right now. I have seen just this past week how much my family cares for me. I know they always do and they try all the time but I think this week I could just take that caring and advice in without anything else on my mind.
Everything has a different feeling then before. I am just amazed that though all of this I can see how much I have changed. I don't know what God has planned next for me and I might be a little scared because I know whatever it is it will be new for me but at the same time I know God has it under control. It is strange because I would rather take a few weeks crafting and sewing and reading then really looking for a job. It is really different when you work 40 hours under stressful situations and then you go to a time where you are doing nothing. Nothing can compare to the job I just had and I did grow a lot through that job.
If I move anywhere it would be back to where I started my life, which is around Joplin, MO. I would not what to go more north. I would and am around the places and people that I love and care about. I have made too many good friends here in AR that it would be really hard to leave them right off the bat. I'm not stressing about what is next for my life because I know God has that under control so I am trusting Him with it. For now, I am just relaxing in His Peace and Trust. We are talking it out a lot more then I use to with Him and I'm reading His Word a lot more. I am just feeling a peace that I never felt before and I don't want to get rid of it fast. I want to take each day as it comes in His Peace and Path for me.
I mean I'm almost 30 (3 more year) but I need to really think about where I want to be in those next 3 years and then after. Do I need to take more schooling? Do I want to live in AR or MO or somewhere else? Do I want to get married if so then I need the time and calmness to get to know guys around me? This is not something that I'm taking lightly but I really have a lot that I still need to work on with me and I can't do any of those things if I'm not healthy yet. Not too many people take the time to enjoy the peace that God gives them or the relaxation that He gives you just to deepen relationships whether with Him or with people around you. I want to be able to encourage and listen like I use to be able to do. That is something big that I have missed lately about myself.
If you are looking for me, I will be talking and relaxing In God's Peace. There might be chaos going on around me but I feel like I'm in God's peace and that is a first for me. I will get back in that chaos later on but for now let me enjoy God's Peace. I've done my 2 and a half years and even though it was rewarding it was hard too.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Having Speech Problems
I have spent all morning thinking and journaling by hand about my life and really just talking and listening to God. It has been hard to come to the reality of who I really am but there was always that little voice in the back of my head telling me things that I knew was true but didn't want to hear or thought I could fix by myself because I'm stubborn like that. I don't have a good title for this entry yet but maybe one will come along while I'm writing or later on today. I'm not the person anyone thinks I am. I've hid and said no to things for so long. I have put them back in my mind so I wouldn't be bothered by them.
As I look back, and yes I will say, since my college years, God has given me people that would try to help me become who I can be but I was just to stubborn to change. I didn't see how anything could help or how what they were suggesting would help. How can something so little like changing the way I talk make a big difference in the long run of my life? Well, now I know and my eyes have been open to it more then ever. In elementary and high school, my speech therapist would just say that I could say the letters but I needed to try harder when I say them because I would say it prefect for her but when I just talk I wouldn't. I guess that had a little affect on that I didn't need to fix it because I can say it if I want to sort of feeling. Still to this day, I can say those sounds perfectly.
In college and the job I had there, which I loved and even to this day, I have people tell me I think it would help your confidence if we get to work on your speech or something near those words. I would always turn them down. I know they were trying to help but I just didn't want to face it because it was so hard for me in high school and I even got made fun of for it. I tried to after high school just not think about my speech problems anymore and that worked for most of my college years. There were one or two times someone commented about it but they were trying to help me and I didn't see that back then. I just thought in the back of my mind that they just didn't like me for me.
Now after spending 4 years out in the big world, I see it does have a huge affect on me and my personality. Seeing and comparing to everyone, thinking what is wrong with me and what can I do to change how I live. I will be honest since I got out of college 4 years ago my life felt like it has been going in the same cycle over and over. I tried everything that I could think of and that I was scared off. I tried to change my relationships/friendships, jobs, places I live, and so forth but I was still the same person. I would be fine for a few months or years and then I would start to go downhill again.
Now my eyes are being opened the hard way because I wouldn't listen to the people back in high school or college and get the help that I needed. When a person has a speech problem, it could affect more then just the way they talk. I know and believe after these 4 years of living in the "real" world that it affect my confidence which affects a lot of things in the real world. It affects my self-esteem and my communication with friends/relations and in my jobs. It also affects my physical health because I feel so stressed out all the time. I believe that once you have a problem like a speech problems more problems are going to build up on that. Who knows some disorders might build up because you are to taking care of you like you should.
When you don't have good self esteem about yourself or confidence in yourself , then honestly, what do you have? It is your self-esteem and confidence that makes you are person and that person that you are where you are. If you don't have those two things for yourself, then how can you have those two things for anyone else or help anyone else.
My point: When someone has a speech problem, don't take it lightly at all.
I think some of my problems came from teachers taking it lightly and not looking more into it like they should have. Then they would pass it onto my parents so I would get the same response at home. It is also strange that teachers will say they do it great for me in class so I don't know why they wouldn't do it great at home. Would you ever think that maybe because in class that person as to be perfect at saying it or that person might get rejected or that is what the person might think? I didn't say I felt that way but it is something to think about. A person knows when something as to be right or they might get rejected and if they are scared of that feeling then yes, in the hardest of spots they will say it right.
I know now what the way to fix that is because you don't want to be harsh at home either because they can be a turn off. For me, I think when I didn't talk right it was a feel of comfort and when I did talk right like in the classroom with a person I saw maybe twice a day that might have been because I knew what she was looking for and would make me stay there until I got it right. I didn't want to be rejected. Those twice of days is when she saw and knew me so I wanted to put on a good impression for her. Maybe I should keep that thought in the "real" world and I will go places with that thought if it's not too late?
As I look back, and yes I will say, since my college years, God has given me people that would try to help me become who I can be but I was just to stubborn to change. I didn't see how anything could help or how what they were suggesting would help. How can something so little like changing the way I talk make a big difference in the long run of my life? Well, now I know and my eyes have been open to it more then ever. In elementary and high school, my speech therapist would just say that I could say the letters but I needed to try harder when I say them because I would say it prefect for her but when I just talk I wouldn't. I guess that had a little affect on that I didn't need to fix it because I can say it if I want to sort of feeling. Still to this day, I can say those sounds perfectly.
In college and the job I had there, which I loved and even to this day, I have people tell me I think it would help your confidence if we get to work on your speech or something near those words. I would always turn them down. I know they were trying to help but I just didn't want to face it because it was so hard for me in high school and I even got made fun of for it. I tried to after high school just not think about my speech problems anymore and that worked for most of my college years. There were one or two times someone commented about it but they were trying to help me and I didn't see that back then. I just thought in the back of my mind that they just didn't like me for me.
Now after spending 4 years out in the big world, I see it does have a huge affect on me and my personality. Seeing and comparing to everyone, thinking what is wrong with me and what can I do to change how I live. I will be honest since I got out of college 4 years ago my life felt like it has been going in the same cycle over and over. I tried everything that I could think of and that I was scared off. I tried to change my relationships/friendships, jobs, places I live, and so forth but I was still the same person. I would be fine for a few months or years and then I would start to go downhill again.
Now my eyes are being opened the hard way because I wouldn't listen to the people back in high school or college and get the help that I needed. When a person has a speech problem, it could affect more then just the way they talk. I know and believe after these 4 years of living in the "real" world that it affect my confidence which affects a lot of things in the real world. It affects my self-esteem and my communication with friends/relations and in my jobs. It also affects my physical health because I feel so stressed out all the time. I believe that once you have a problem like a speech problems more problems are going to build up on that. Who knows some disorders might build up because you are to taking care of you like you should.
When you don't have good self esteem about yourself or confidence in yourself , then honestly, what do you have? It is your self-esteem and confidence that makes you are person and that person that you are where you are. If you don't have those two things for yourself, then how can you have those two things for anyone else or help anyone else.
My point: When someone has a speech problem, don't take it lightly at all.
I think some of my problems came from teachers taking it lightly and not looking more into it like they should have. Then they would pass it onto my parents so I would get the same response at home. It is also strange that teachers will say they do it great for me in class so I don't know why they wouldn't do it great at home. Would you ever think that maybe because in class that person as to be perfect at saying it or that person might get rejected or that is what the person might think? I didn't say I felt that way but it is something to think about. A person knows when something as to be right or they might get rejected and if they are scared of that feeling then yes, in the hardest of spots they will say it right.
I know now what the way to fix that is because you don't want to be harsh at home either because they can be a turn off. For me, I think when I didn't talk right it was a feel of comfort and when I did talk right like in the classroom with a person I saw maybe twice a day that might have been because I knew what she was looking for and would make me stay there until I got it right. I didn't want to be rejected. Those twice of days is when she saw and knew me so I wanted to put on a good impression for her. Maybe I should keep that thought in the "real" world and I will go places with that thought if it's not too late?
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