God is Really Doing Something

             God is really doing something in my life but I still can't tell which way He wants me to go with it. I had a situation last year that really got me worked up for a few days and I didn't think about it much about it til this month. I have been trying to change some things about me and how I do some things. I hope that I have gotten better at not doing those things so much or not at all. It was just really strange this past weekend though. I knew the days were coming up and that it would be a year since everything happened and I could look back and see how I did. I forgot the exact date until I looked back at my email and saw the exact date of the letters. Now granted, I thought it was end of May and start of June but really it was just the end of May.
             Why I am making the statement: "God is Really doing something" is because this past weekend on the days the situation happened last year, I felt really bad. You could even say I was sick for a bit. Knowing me, though, I am not that one person that gets sick really easily but once I slow down and if sickness has been going around I could catch it and not know it until I slow down. This past weekend that is what I thought happened to me but as I look back at things. I honestly believe it was something really different for me. This whole month I have been thinking about these days and trying to think of a way I could solve it and hoping I was doing the right thing and not too much of the things that was disliked and so on and so forth. I even wrote a letter earlier this month that I have been freaking out  over a little bit every now and then.
             I can't really say what I think it was because I don't want to scare anyone away. That seems to be my favorite thing to do lately but those of you who have had the same feeling might know what I am talking about or trying to explain without saying it. I will say that there was of course and for sure some anxiety this past weekend because I was just thinking about it a lot this month and wonder what I would do when it came but at the same time I don't think that was all, even though some people might think that is all that was. You have to dig deeper and ask yourself, "Why would you be so anxious about days that things happened on?" If there is one thing about anxiety that I know to be true, it is always that it is could be and usually is triggered by another feeling or feelings. I also thought it was just anxiety because my routine is going to change again in little ways and I hate that but it wasn't going to big time so I ruled that out especially now that I know why.
            I will say too that the first full day of summer today went just fine. Nothing bad happened and the children were great. I was also getting up late in the morning and later for work then I would have liked to be most days last week. This past weekend, I just woke up Sunday (28th this year but 29th last year) and just really felt sick to my stomach and really sleepy all day. I will say to that Saturday night my legs were hurting and really tight or that is what they felt like anyways and I couldn't walk by the time I went to bed that night. I didn't know if I would make it to church that morning because my stomach was so upset. I woke up with it upset. I really didn't feel like eating much of anything and if I did it wasn't much at all. I went to take a Sunday afternoon nap and napped for like 2 to 3 hours. I got up and felt a lot better by then but I went back to bed at 10:00 and stayed asleep until the next morning.
            I will also say that the sermon that morning was titled "Confessions of Sins". I thought about how I had or at least hoped I had confessed my sins and that everyone in the situation knew that and forgave me too. The preacher also talked about God and how He forgave us. The preacher also talked about how blessed we are when God forgave us. There will be an entry with outlines about that sermon soon. The sermon just seemed to fit perfectly too. God knows.
            I woke up Monday (29th this year, 30th last year) and felt fine. I slept in until about 9:00. I was just a little sleepy but I had my eating habits back to normal. I helped my mom outside by carrying rocks and planting small trees. Then of course after that, my legs got sleepy again and I was ready for another nap so I took one at about 2:30. I was only going to lay down for 30 mins. but slept for about another 3 hours. I really didn't want to get up and head back to AR. For some reason, I just dreaded it this time really bad and I usually never do. I would get up from my nap and look at the time and think oh, I got a few more mins. and I did that about 3 times until it was 4:00 and ready to get up so I can pack to go home and eat supper before I did.
              I got up and just felt like crying, which was unusual too. I would cry when people weren't looking because I had no idea why I was crying or if I was crying because I was leaving home, I didn't want anyone to see that. I got up from that nap really irritated and just sleepy again. I left my parents' house and got back to AR and everything was fine. I had to toughen through it and get enough rest for the new day the next day.
              At this point, I am just clinging to the Hope we all know and Love. I am not trying to think deeper about it but I wanted to write it out just in case it was more. I know that might be funny to some people and not make sense to other but then something like this is hard to understand for the person going through it and observing it. That is why God should be the center of all the choices in your life. I've learn and grown a lot this past year and seen things I didn't see before. I can't go back to the past and fix things because trust me I would if I could but I can change the future by having God at the center of things.
            That is my goal, to love and be more open and understanding. I won't be perfect at it because there is only One who is but my goal is to be like Him in those ways.

First School Year is Over

        Well, today is the last day of the 2016-2017 school year and for me it is sad but a big deal at the same time. It is sad because I have no idea where I'll be next year. We aren't promised the school that we are at now. I was thinking the other day that I have been at that school most of the school year. I started this job in Sept. Of last year. I did kind of fall for my kiddos even though they are quite crazy at times. I still love them.
         Yeah, I get to see them over the summer, most of them anyways. I am just not their group teacher anymore so just not seeing them as often. It is crazy that I have spent a year under a public school job. It made me realize how much I miss working under them and with those types and ages of children. Just knowing what is going on in that community and see that I can really move up is encouraging. I mean they just passed another chance to build more schools in the area.
           Yes, I have fell in love with the 2nd grade over this year. I get to help out with the Kindergarten and first grade over the summer so that should be interesting to see how that goes. It will be a busy summer, that's for sure. Nothing can be worse then working all summer for a preschool/daycare. Compared to that, this summer is going to be a breeze. Everyone is warning me how much harder it is going to be but I just keep thinking at least it isn't with the littler ones.
          I am just not looking forwards to the full days again. I got spoiled over the school year. That is only for two months though so I can handle it. It has also been really neat to see the change in the 2nd graders. I still haven't seen it brain wise but I have seen it personality and behavior wise and for some of my children that was a big accomplishment​. We will see how I do with the change that might be coming next school year.
           I still have the summer to get through and the start of next year to see if I like everything about the program but I am sure I will like it. There couldn't be a more perfect summer theme for me to start with then a camping theme, which this summer is. It is something I can relate to too.
          I gave my 2nd graders a little end of the year sack as a present and they loved it. They had yo yos for the boys and lip gloss for the girls. Then they also had a little pen, some stickers, and some starburst candies​. I did let them open and play with the toys for a bit yesterday. They liked everything that was in the sack. I am going to break down again today and get some red, white, and blue ice pops for them to have a snack time for the last day/Memorial Day. I do spoil the children that I take care of because for now and in this moment of life, they are my only children too.
           Let's get this summer started! After this 3 day weekend, of course. I need a break for a little while before heading into the full days for the summer.

Love is a Mess

"Love is entering into someone else's mess."- 1 Cor. 13

Love is a Mess

Love is a mess. It starts as one
and ends the same. You are just
stepping into someone else's crazy
and messy life. Love was never meant
to be prefect especially here on earth.
There was only one perfect man and He
came down into our mess and died the
same way.

Love is a mess because of the sinful
world we live in. The world has you
thinking it will be easy and peaceful.
Was it that way when God won us over?
No. He had so many heartaches and people
hated Him but He still went on loving
even them. He had the patience and
kindness to win them over.

Love is not the happy ever after you
see in movies. Love is a mess worth
fighting for. Love is where you have
empathy for people. Where you care
and really understand them. There
will be the little messes that you will
have to clean up every now and then.

You can have each other and God to
get you through those messes. It is up
to God how big of a mess He thinks
you are capable of. He will give you the
prefect love mess for you. Love is just
entering into someone else's life. It
shows you are willing to deal with the
mess along side them. It is showing
that you will not be self seeking or
easily angered.

Love might be a choice but it is a choice
of what mess can God give you. It is a
mess that God can bring to you while you
are going on your journey. Other people
might pass you by until that one God has
picked out for you comes along your way.
They will pass you by until one is willing
to say, "I'll be glad to join you in this mess
of life and love." That special someone
is also willing to say that they will
always be willing to protect, trust, hope,
and preserve with you.

Love is getting to know someone fully
and accepting them just like they are.
No need in changing anything about
them, not even their mess. Yes, they
might make mistakes but so will you.
What is life all about when you live it
nice and safe? Love is also putting away
your childish behavior and really start
to care for the other person. When you
have loved long enough, you should
reflect parts of each other if not be just
like the other person.

Love is a mess but it can be beautiful mess
if God is at the Center of it. When you stick
together and clean things up or try at least it
is all the more lovely and meaningful. Love,
in itself, is a mess to explain but God will
show you and has shown you what real
Love looks like. It looks like a servant
honoring their loved one.

Love is not something that can fail and it
shouldn't be something that we let fail.
 Love is when completeness comes, and
what is apart disappears.




Written By: Tiffney Wilson

Written On: May 24th, 2017



Do you recognize some of 1 Cor. 16:13-14 in the poem?

Verses About God's Steadfast Love

Exodus 15:13

"In your unfailing love you will lead
    the people you have redeemed.
In your strength you will guide them
    to your holy dwelling."
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Numbers 14:19

" In accordance with your great love, forgive the sin of these people, just as you have pardoned them from the time they left Egypt until now.”
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Deuteronomy 7:9

"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments."
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Lamentations 3:21-23

" Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning great is your faithfulness."

The Psalms

"If you're grateful that God has never stopped pursuing and rescuing you, let the world know with a joyful "Amen!"

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Psalm 18:6-24 (MSG):

"A hostile world! I call to GOD, I cry to God to help me. From his palace he hears my call; my cry brings me right into his presence— a private audience!

Earth wobbles and lurches; huge mountains shake like leaves, Quake like aspen leaves because of his rage. His nostrils flare, bellowing smoke; his mouth spits fire. Tongues of fire dart in and out; he lowers the sky.

He steps down; under his feet an abyss opens up. He’s riding a winged creature, swift on wind-wings. Now he’s wrapped himself in a trenchcoat of black-cloud darkness. But his cloud-brightness bursts through, spraying hailstones and fireballs.

Then GOD thundered out of heaven; the High God gave a great shout, spraying hailstones and fireballs. God shoots his arrows—pandemonium! He hurls his lightnings—a rout! The secret sources of ocean are exposed, the hidden depths of earth lie uncovered The moment you roar in protest, let loose your hurricane anger.

But me he caught—reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but GOD stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

GOD made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to GOD ’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. GOD rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.”

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Psalm 121New Living Translation (NLT)

1 I look up to the mountains—
    does my help come from there?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth!

3 He will not let you stumble;
    the one who watches over you will not slumber.
4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel
    never slumbers or sleeps.

5 The Lord himself watches over you!
    The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon at night.

7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
    and watches over your life.
8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
    both now and forever.

Hitting Rock Bottom

         I feel like I've hit rock bottom. Not the bad rock bottom where you feel like you're hopeless but the other one. The one that you are done doing things by yourself. The one where all you can do is rely on God because you have no idea about your life and where it is going. The one where you feel like you've tried everything but nothing is working. The one that you see that you need to be committed to everything on your life because they are connected. If you are not committed, things will not go smoothly.
           Let's just say I've hit that special rock bottom that is before the age of 30. Here is everyone getting married and having a family by that age and I am over here totally confused. I haven't even started my dream yet. I haven't even fully learn to take care of myself fully I am seeing. I feel like I am going in a downward spiral when I am suppose to be going up. I feel like my eyes have been opened to a whole new world lately for some reason in many different ways and I don't know how to handle those ways.
            Ways like: staying at a job I like and eating healthy and acting healthy so I don't gain weight. Trying to see where to go with my anxiety troubles. Can I fix them without meds.? Seeing that everything costs money and that I don't have enough while living on my own. Seeing all my friends getting married and I am nowhere near that. Having certain feelings go away that I once had. Asking and getting help when it is hard. Accepting it too.
            Trying all these new and so called fabulous things to help me when really they don't seem to. Learning I am going to have to watch what I eat and how much I excise. Getting routines that are healthy. Do you see now why I feel like I have hit rock bottom? I have no idea what to do next in anything. I feel like I am frozen in time or going backwards like I said earlier. While I am going through all of this, I only have a few friends near me to talk about these things with. If this is what the 30s will be like for me, the next 7 months can go by really slow because as of now I am not looking forwards to my birthday. Something needs to change for me to look forwards to it.
            I need something to look forwards to but what. I need something to get me out of this rocky pit but what. New passion? New goal? New big area to be in? New church? More friends? I've tried new jobs in the past and new apartment this past year but I am still at the bottom it feels like. I am trying to go exploring more to make it more interesting but you can only do so much by yourself. If anyone has any ideas on how to get out from the bottom, please let me know.
        

Mental Health is Not the Same

            I try not to sure my personal feelings on here because I know it might cause people to worry but I am writing so people would more understand what I am going through and feeling like. I will try to keep it down to non worrying details. Don't get me wrong I appicate all the encouragement that I am getting and it does so me people care about me. I guess giving me ideas help too but when it is the same thing over and over, it gets old. When people give me the simplest things to do, it makes me mad even though I know people are just helping. If one person suggested it, don't you think I've tried it?
             This is one of the confusing things I keep going back and forth on. Most of the time, I just want someone to listen to and know they listening, not someone to try and fix me. That is part of my mental health problem. I can't stick with just one thing and feeling. I will say, though, that if I do stick with a thought or feeling and it's about you, you are very lucky. There must be something very special about you. Back to the whole mental health thing, I am going to write about how I feel when people try to fix it and think it is nothing but an easy thing to fix. I will also talk about how going to a mental health Dr. Is the same thing as going to a rauglar Dr.
               It is hard to pick one thing and just stick with it or at least it is for me. I have tried all of the things to calm my anxiety but can move stick with any of them. I know I have a big problem with commitment for anything too. People keep saying try this or that and I would say that I have. I just can't stick with it. The only thing, it seems, to keep a commitment to is meds but even then it is trying different meds. I want to get over it so bad but yet everything I seem to try works for a bit then stops. Sometimes it is me not wanting to go or it just seems like my body gets use to it really fast.
             Going to the mental health Dr. Is nothing like going to a plain check up Dr. Or anything to do with the outside or inside of your body. People are use to going to a body Drs. Because you have to to keep well. It isn't strange because everyone does it but once you say mental health Drs. Everyone gets so worried and worked up. You might even get people talking behind your back because they don't understand what they really do for a person.
             Most of the time you can see why a person needed to go to a Dr. Or when they went to one when it has to do with physical things. When it is mental health, it suripses everyone that you would really go. Why would you go to one? People would ask you. You seem just fine with me. That's the main problem with mental issues. No one knows how to see or recongize them. If you just look at me, you would think I am normal. When you really becomes friends with me and have to be around me often, you will see there is something wrong with me.
             Asking for help is hard for me to start with. So all of this could be sloved a long time ago but I was so in denil of doing anything about it because I could ever have anything wrong with me. Now I am paying for it with my whole life. Litually. I had two chances to change and that change would have been easier because it would have been on my parents' insurance instead of mine. I could use that $100 dollars for something else but no because I was dumb back then.