Having a Dream about My Dreams

          You know something is on your mind when you can't stop thinking about it. For me, it is my future and my heart's desires. It is so strange. I have today off of work but yet I feel like I have so much to do. I was suppose to sleep in but I really didn't. I got up the first time around 7:00 and then I was in a light sleep until 8:00ish. People keep saying have patience and keep trusting in God but when you really have to do those things, it is hard. When people don'r ask you if you want this or that or understand what you really have going on in your life, it is hard. It is hard living on your own especially when you are quite and don't share feelings easily.
          That is me. I hate living by myself because of those reasons. No one understands me because no one is around me every day expect maybe my co workers and I like to keep things professional at my job so I don't take the focus off the children. I will say the lonely feeling got to me again last night so much that I prayed about it and just really told God what was on my heart and what my heart's desires were. It has also just been a week at work trying to figure out what is going on with this new school year. I will admit that my desires were on my mind when I went to bed because I prayed about it. Because they were on my mine, I had a dream when I was light sleeping. I didn't want to get up from it. I mean during those moments I was in my dreams and it just seemed better then anything I am really living right now.
            It was a literally a dream about my wedding day. It was fun! I was in a pretty dress and everything. I was mad when I had to get up or couldn't really go back to sleep good. I don't know if God is trying to tell me something right now with everything going on but I do have a friend's wedding that I am going to tomorrow evening. It could just be all those feelings a girl gets when there is a wedding around the corner but I am sick of those feelings. I want those feelings to come true for me. I was also thinking about it last night and to be honest I am the last of the friends near by that is single but I am not the only one and it is funny how God works in that way too. I will say that I am at the point, or at least will be tomorrow after the wedding, where a guyfriend of mine is at the same point too. I think God is doing something with that so there will be understanding between something and some people but I am not God so I have no idea just yet. It wouldn't surprise me if God did though with His Sense of Humor. :)
              I am just sick of going back and forth. I am sick of going on this kind of roller coaster. I am happy and busy at one moment. Then I am sad and bored at the next. I could also be content at a moment and then worried the next. I just need something that will stabilize my life, whether it is my heart's desires coming true or a stable career. Stable something to where I can live on my own and right not I can't do that where I am. I am so caught up in my heart's desires that I can't see into the future. I  could be getting scared too because I am turning 30 in 5 months and if I was honest with myself, I didn't plan for myself past 30. I really didn't plan past college so I am blessed to be even getting this far, this well.
              Yeah, I could make my teaching dream come true too but would that really help me with other things. I mean I would have to get my Master's in something, which costs money that I don't have. I could go into something like special ed or get certificated in something like teaching in a different state or for a certain special ed but it all cost the money I don't have right now. The job I have now believes in me and I like that because it is the first job that has but something just doesn't feel right deep down yet. I know some people say don't listen to your gut or emotions, which to that I could understand but I feel like it is more then those things telling me there is more that I need to be doing. I need to be doing my heart's desire and that is being married and having a family of my own.
            I just can't out into words how I really feel and all the advice I have gotten throughout the years on that subject. I know those two things can be the hardest and I might regret saying this on a blog but I love challenges and I want to make a difference in the world and what better thing to do those things then having your own family. Honestly, being an introvert, I think might be a better idea because in away you don't have so many people to talk to and/or you can just relate to people better in every job, especially in the field I am in. It is hard when parents and/or staff won't take you seriously because you are single and/or don't have children of your own. It is like there are judging you everyday and watching your every move.
            I am just done dreaming, waiting, being patience for things. I want things to start happening now. I want things to happen to where I need to stay at a job or with this diet or health kick. I know that isn't the way to look at it but right now if that is what it takes to get my dreams to start or for me to really dig in and start ti figure things out then fine. I don't like being this free with so many choices ahead of me. I need a plan and/or routine to stick with and for a reason. That is just my personality and who I am. Now I am done with my being single rant. :)