First Half of 2018

            I was going to write about my week break from Facebook but I can do that tomorrow or another time. Right now, I want to talk about the first half of 2018 since it is the 6th month this month. Can't believe it has already been half a year. It has been a hard struggle for me. There has been a lot of changes too fast. I'm not good with changes to start with and I thought I started them all far enough apart but I was wrong. I am struggling in all areas of life. You name it, something is going wrong in that area. Areas like friendships, money, life goals, and other things. I just don't want all of my 2018 to be such a struggle. I don't want to remember my 30th year as a struggle and probably the hardest one yet but the way things are looking for me my 32nd year will be where the good things start if not before then.
           God is working in my life. I know that but I just don't know how or why. It would be nice to have a friend/mentor to help me through all of these crazy things and changes. Yeah, we would have to go back to Jan. but it would be worth it. I have things and stories to share but I am scared to share it with some random person. There are also reasons why I am so scared to share all that I am feeling to one person. I have a lot of people/women that could be my mentor and guide but then I have my reasons not to have just one but I am thinking I just need that one women that will hold me accountable. Someone I can meet face to face every so often and be truly opened with. Yet at the same time, I feel like word will get around to where I don't want it to get around to.
            I mean I do trust the women in my life but you always know someone though someone. When it is about someone or some people and you don't want it to get to that person, it is hard. I thought it would help joining a new women's Bible study and get to meet some new women and I did and I love them all but I still can't share what is really going on in my life with all of them just yet. There have been nights that I wanted to share prayer requests or share what was on my heart but I didn't know how to word it without making things so noticeable. Now I am not blaming anyone, if I am blaming someone it is myself. I don't know why I am letting that hold me back from friendships and things like that.
           It is so hard to be that women where you thought you had everything planned out but then God changes it all on you in no time. It is hard to give up things you have held onto for years like friendships, jobs, and other things just to keep yourself safe. It is really hard when you have to do it by yourself. You have to be strong and keep living your life. It is hard when you have a caring and compassionate heart but other people don't. It is hard when you want so much at this age and you know you are not getting any of it because it isn't time and because you have messed up in the past so bad. It is hard doing things with yourself without any guidance at all.
           It is hard when you have to go to one stressful thing straight to another stressful thing. It could be a child at your work one day and then a friend outside of work the next day. You could be dealing with the same two for over some time but then another thing decide to get on broad with those two things. I am sick this weekend probably because I have been stressing out about a lot of things lately and trying to make it on my own. I have a feeling that if I keep going through this year by myself it won't get any easier. I have messed up in so many ways this year, I have felt like and it is only the 6th month. Trying to do it by myself and trying to figure things out are not easy. Yes, I might look happy or at least okay on the outside but on the inside I am dying by stress. If that is a thing. I don't get my life right now at all. I am so lost and so confused and so much of that is because of myself, I think.
          I'll be okay. There is no need to be alarmed but just know that I don't share my true feelings easy or in a big group. I don't know if I am burnt out in my field or just where I am in life right now. I don't know how to make it to where I can enjoy life and be able to live like I am living now on my own. I will be honest too that the thought of marriage has been through my mind so many times and I am sick of it. I am sick of seeing these happily married people and especially the Christ focused ones when that is what I want right now. Yet I feel like I am striving for it but I'll never get there. I want to know more about it and how to get ready for it. That has always been a dream of mine. I was the odd one that always dreamed and planned my wedding. It has always been a desire of my heart. I am even starting to think that marriage is my dream and goal in life along with raising a family and being a stay at home mom. Yet, I feel like no guys will even give me a chance to get there because I am so "old" style. 
            I know what I am doing right now is probably not a good way to start that because it shows guys that I am so insecure about myself right now but in a way I have the right to be. I have the right to show or write out, in this case, my emotions and thoughts. I just wish someone would come along side me and tell me that they understand and that their story was almost like mine, if not like it. I don't know why it is so strong on my heart to share this like this but it is. Maybe something will come out of it or maybe not? If you want to know how the first half of my 2018 is going, there you go. Just hope and pray I can make it through the rest of the year and that things will get better for me.