Subbing for 12 Weeks

           Well, things are turning around for me. They are turning around so much that I am getting paid a little bit more. I might be on here a little less too. I'm working full days now at two different jobs. Mornings at a daycare at a high school for 12 weeks and still my after school job. The subbing job is really an answer to prayer. I might be able to get caught up in my bills with it, then have money just to spend again. How nice would that be!
          It is subbing for 12 weeks because the teacher is on leave to be with her new baby. I've already been a sub two times at that daycare but now it is part time. They were testing me. ☺️ It will be hard at first because my schedule will change but I know it will change back so that's the good part. I just need the energy for 12 weeks.
         Subbing for toddlers to be right on. It seems like I will be a floater for most of the time I am subbing there. I was suppose to be in just one room but you know how things never stay the same in daycares. It is okay. I can't complain at all. It is just neat how God has given me this chance to make extra money. Just another reason that I love about where I am working. They really do work around your schedule because there are so many things inside one "company" or I guess better words for it are "school districts". That is one good thing about big school district but I would never want to go to one as a kid. I liked my small town school just fine. 

         Yet as an adult, there are so many choices and once you got a job in that area, you can get another one in another area. That is what I am learning right now. It is strange that it is a school and yet they will work around your schedule and times. I know a lot of the teachers that go to college still and they are working after school too. Anyways, I can't wait to drive into these 12 weeks of subbing. I was late yesterday because I had the times mixed up and things weren't quite set in stone but now they are so I can't wait to see what a day for me is like now. I will admit though that already it is really nice getting up later then I am use to. 

          I just can't get over how this extra job has been an answer to prayer. I look at it and keep looking at it and just can't wait for my first paycheck with this job on it to see how much more difference it will really make for me. I will write an entry when it is over and tell you all where I am at and if anything changes for me, which hopefully they will. I will also tell you what kind of adventure it has been subbing for only 12 weeks. It is strange with the experience that I have had that I can do this. Go anywhere that I am needed but that is one way that the Lord has blessed me in this field. I have worked with all ages and types. When you have co-workers and bosses that see that, you are truly blessed and it makes your job a whole lot easier. 

            I am blessed that they picked me even if I was the only one that wanted the subbing, which I probably wasn't. It just goes to show that my handwork is paying off so I am not wasting my time in this field like I thought I was earlier on in my life. God always has ways of working things out in His Perfect Timing, not just with jobs, that I now see, but with friendships and relationships too. I am just waiting for the next thing/step now. 

Big Lift Off My Shoulders

           I know this is a first in a long while. I have written 3 days in a row. I have my spurts here and there of doing different things. This one is free so I am doing more of it to make my time go by faster. I want to talk about how my day went yesterday back at my other school. Might notice by the title that it went good and felt great? It did!
          I felt things being lifted off my shoulders as soon as I hit the school's driveway. I mean it litually felt like someone was lifting all of that weight off of me. The weight I was carrying for the past two months. In a strange way, it felt like my soul finally got a chance to rest, yet my physical body didn't but that was okay. It is strange how you think something is so little and can't bother you, actually does but you don't notice it until it's gone.
          God knew what was best for me here for now and He did answer my prayers. I just hate how I can't handle certain things even when they're not related. Just the thought of those thing being related brings me stress. Brings me blame and shame. Realizing how I felt yesterday, the move was more for me personal then anything else.
         The thing I noticed that I missed from my first school was the hugs. Now that I think about it, I would maybe get one hug twice a week from the same child at my second school. When I went back yesterday, all the kids that I had last year came up to me and hugged me. All the girls anyways. Even the ones I just saw last year and weren't in my group were happy to see me again. I even had a couple of the parents, on the 2nd day, tell me that they haven't seen me in awhile or that they are glad I am back. I got comments from at least 2 or 3 parents. It was a total change of environment!
         The school is bigger. The teachers are nicer. The parents talk more and are nicer. They also came in everyday with a smile no matter how their day went. I had one set of parents that did that at the other school that I left. That same set of parents also would start talking to me if I didn't say anything first or at least the dad would.
         The school I work at now might be one of the richer schools but it is also one of the nicest in my book. You can tell parents have more control of their children at that school. I thought last year I can't wait to compare schools. Here I am comparing school earlier then I thought I would be. Just never thought my personal life and feelings would be involved. Big step of learning for me. It is amazing how two school can be so different only miles apart. When I say miles, I mean maybe 6 1/2 miles apart. It also shows you how different families and people can be too. That is one reason I am not a big fan of the city. I like where everyone acts the same and in a friendlier type manner.
          I don't know if this says how I feel like something has been lifted off my shoulders but something has. It is really the parents and the homes these children grow up in and as a nation we are letting our children down so bad. I will say that the set of parents and child that stood out in my group, and I might be a little bias but it is true too, was those who I knew had a strong Christian, God believing background and showed their children how to live in that way too. It was that family that I got along with the best and that girl that made my day everyday. She was the reason I kept going every day, even when I wanted to stop and believe me there are days that I did want to do that.
           Now, I am at a place that I enjoy and with children that I can have fun with instead of getting onto them all the time or so it seems. I'm at a place that I enjoy each and every co-workers and get along with each of them great. Where each of them digs in to get the job done. I'm now at a place where I can rest and enjoy myself instead of telling others what to do or do it so it will, for sure, get done. I can't ask for a better place to be once again or better people to be with.

Friendship With God-Part 1

-Acts 4:13

-"13 When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus."


-Truth, Light, Love

        -(AKA)-Right Thinking
                     -Right affections
                     -Right Living


-Those are the 3 cyclical themes of the book of 1st John.


-1 John 1:1-2New International Version (NIV)

-The Incarnation of the Word of Life

"1 That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. 2 The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us."

-1 John 1:3-4

-"3 We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. 4 We write this to make our joy complete."

-deeper and meaningful life in Christ


-Fellowship=Friendship


-Friendship with God:
          -knowing the word of Life
          -walking in the Light 

-Lie #1-Lip Service

            -It's all good!
            -verse 6
                    -"If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth."


-Lie #2-Perfectionism

           -I'm good!
           -verse 8
                    -"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us."


-Lie #3-Denial of Sin

            -Everyone's good.
            -verse 10
                      -" If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us."

-Truth=progress

           -He makes me good. Through Him I'm becoming good.
           -verses 7 and 9
                       -"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."

                     -" If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

-Standing in the Light
         -all about the closest and closeness


-GET RID OF FEAR!

A Family As A Blessing

        

Ecclesiastes 3:11New International Version (NIV)

11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

           There is this one family that continues to be a blessing to me but I noticed in the past few days that it has and goes deeper then just a blessing. I needed them, probably more then they needed me. The little girl that I had was such a blessing to me and I saw so much in her. To tell you the truth, she reminded me a lot of me when I was in 2nd grade. The only different thing about her was she was a little bit more outgoing then I probably ever was. There was just that special connection with her when I first saw her. I knew something had to be special about her and there was. 

           First, I thought it was just because I knew part of the family already but as the days went on and I got to know her more, she just kept getting more special to me and like I understood her more then ever each and every day. It was funny because this past week God has put Ecclesiastes 3:11 on my heart and I felt like I needed to share it with her. Like she needed that verse for some reason but now that I think about I needed it as a reminder too. I couldn't quite understand why God was doing what He was doing with this family but now I sort of get it, just a little bit. God was showing me that connection with Him is important. He was showing me that to love Him and be connected to Him was to get to know Him more and be closer to Him. 

           Ecclesiastes 3:11 talks about how God makes everything beautiful in its times. How God set set forever in our human's hearts. No one can fathom what God has planned from beginning to end. I need it just as much as she does or maybe more in my life right now. One reason that God put her in my life was to see how much people can act like and know others by being connected long enough. No doubt in my mind that she was a true part of that family. Her looks and her personality had it written all over them. That's how I want to be with You, Daddy. You make things beautiful in Your Time. I just can't give up. Daddy, I want to start abiding in You like a daughter. 

             Here is a little girl that I can see strong in her own ways and I can tell that in 2nd grade. So strong that she might forget where to look when she gets older. She has had a hard time going between friends and groups of friends. There is this poplar group and then not so poplar group. I can see how she changes herself to try and fit in with some of the other girls. All of that just reminded me of this verse and made me think it was the perfect one for her. It was so cute too! My last day at that school I told her that I had a bottle for her and that there was a special message for her in there. She asked, "Special message just for me?" and I said, "Yes." I told her that I wanted her mom or dad to read it to her because it was so special. She made her mom, since she picked her up, read it right then and there. She was so excited about that special message. 

               She was just bugging her mom to read it right then. It was a little awkward for me but you think I would be use to that stuff by now. She just couldn't believe that I had a special message just for her. I hope she remembers that day and this verse. I hope that I made an impact in that little girl's life somehow. It is funny because when we are so connected and see people connected to the same people that we are, we want to do right and we hope for the best for them. We can see that certain trait or look in someone and tell what family or person they are related to. Isn't that what people should see in us when we are close to God? Isn't that what our lives should look like when we are near to God and connected with Him? I know I can't change that little girl and I might not ever know if I did, although I hope to be in her life again one day, but I also know that God is with her at the same time. 

                 This situation was just another one of God's plans to make me see that things don't happen like we plan them to happen. Things can turn out differently then we ever think of them. That doesn't mean they are wrong, just means God had a better plan along. I don't know what will become of this plan or if things will get better like in my thoughts but one thing I know for sure is that a girl's life was changed because of the connection I made so long ago and had for so long and didn't step away from when everyone else told me to. That is how a family can be a blessing to you if you will just let them. God uses new people in other peoples' lives everyday. 

What is Loneliness Like for Me?

               I don't know what to write about for once. It is so funny because I have so many ideas here on my blog. So many verses, so many poem ideas, so many things to write about but yet I don't feel like writing about those things just yet. I feel like writing about what I don't know. My life. That I don't even know what to write about or quite understand it at this point. I am just so confused about it. I am trying to hear from God and yet I don't have the energy or understanding to know what He is doing right now in my life. The closer it gets to my 30th birthday, the more stress it seems to bring on me. The more things I need to seem to understand about life and all the new things I am learning right now too. I haven't quite felt like I have been on this earth in the past few months. They have gone by so fast it seems and things are happening just like that. I have wrote some entries about things that have gone on.
                To be honest, I have been focusing a lot of my time on trying to understand what true love is and about where I should go on from here and I think that is just all part of hitting my 30s. Finding a husband that loves you for you and having a set in career that you love to do and being able to support yourself and then your future family is just hard to wrap my mind around right now. I know I don't need to and can't figure everything out right now but it is just want I have been thinking about lately. As I am writing this entry, I know there is so much more I need to write and explain but I just can't put those things into words. It isn't easy at all yet it is for sure a season that I am trying to get through and I can't tell you that is changing me quite a bit.
                I have noticed that going back home to MO feels better then living here in AR. I am happier and less stress there then in AR. Living paycheck to paycheck is killing me, no matter how hard I try to stay up with it. I always fail and that is not a good feeling to have all the time. I have to ask my parents for money and being the stubborn and want to be self sufficient person I am, I hate doing that too but if I don't my bank account will be so bad that I won't get a house of my own like I want. It seems like my bank account and money as became my main focus and I hate that. I feel like I am checking my account every day and if not that every other day, just to make sure I don't have withdraws that I can't afford and most of the time I don't miss those.
               I just wish this season would be over for me. The season of living by myself and supporting myself. The season of the what ifs and the unsures. The season of where I have to watch everything very closely. The season of where I can't hang with friends or go out and do anything fun because I don't have the money to do that. The season of loneliness. That is what it really is like. No one ever told me that my 30s are going to be filled with loneliness. I mean if this is how my life is now, then you know that is how my 30s will start and that is no fun at all. I am at that point where I have no idea what is next for me in my life. I mean I have hit rock bottom in everything. What guy? What person? Would want a women like me that can barely stand above her measures?
                Some people might say this entry sounds depressed or anxious and I might be some of those things but that's not what I am trying to get across. What I want to know is this: How many 30 year olds that are alone feel this way too? I know I can't be the only one that feels this way. This entry is just an almost 30 years old (in 3 months) sharing her true feelings. This life by now is totally opposite of what I wanted it to be or ever dreamed of it to be but maybe yet God is trying to tell me something. Maybe He is trying to show me what it really means to be "second" or a "servant" first and then get the things you want? Maybe He is saving the best for last? I don't know why He would do this just yet but I trust and believe that He will show me down the road.
                 It is funny I am feeling this way because just this past week on Bible study lesson was on loneliness and now this coming week's lesson will be on striving. So in God's words and the opposite of those words: Connection and Rest. Yet the question still comes up in my mind: How is that suppose to help me?
                I think I am going to end this entry with that question because it seems like a good place to stop and make you all think about it.

What I Truly Want in a Husband

          I have been thinking about relationships lately and I came up with a few "ideas" (use the word ideas, couldn't think of a better one) that I want in a husband. I know it isn't a good idea to have too  many standards but a few is okay. It is standards that I want and that can be a lot of guys so I am not narrowing down any guys. It is strange but these are some of the things that I want.


-See me who I am.

-Listen to me.

-Love me.

-Take the chance on me.

-Get to know me.

-Talks to me in public.

-See what I do for and with him.

-See what is right in front of him.

-Takes the time to get to know me.



       

It Won't Rain Forever

         It has been a long while since I wrote in here. Probably the longest I have ever kept from writing yet I have so many things to write about. I think that was my problem, I didn't know where to start. Things were crazy all around me but they have gotten better. I meant to write this in September but that month flew by.
         I want to tell you a little bit about why I picked the title that I did for this entry before I go into the month that I have had because it does have a background to it. It is an embrassing background but yet it is still one. After one of the hardest days ever, I woke up and went to work like I usually did in the mornings. It was after my little boy jumped out of the swings. My co-worker that I worked with in the mornings told me the bad news about his arm being broke. Knowing me the emotions from the day were still bottled up inside me a little bit so after I left my morning shift, I went to Starbucks for a coffee to feel better. Mind you, I was crying out loud to God in my car too. I just had enough of the things going on. I calmed down and went into Starbucks to get a coffee. A women say that I had been crying because my face looked all red and puffy. She told me the title of this entry to encourage me. A complete stranger dotted me, " It won't rain forever." I didn't know what that meant at first but when I got home that day I got to thinking about it.
         To me, it meant that things are going to get better and you will get happy again. You can't and won't cry forever. Things will turn around sooner or later. The strange thing about this is everything bad happened on a Weds. when I had Bible study after work. I was crying there and they prayed for me there too. Then it was on that Thursday that that women saw me and said that to me. At a Starbucks, mind you.
         September has been my toughest month yet. The kids at the school where I was were just crazy. Everything that could happen did happen. As a school, we had 4 injuries. They were 3 broken bones and one mouth injury. It just seemed like they were one right after the other. One group had a lip bust open and the child's tooth almost go through and the other one was a broken arm. They were just being kids but still.
          In my group, I had a boy break his arm and a girl break her finger. While that was happening, I also had a girl with an ear infection. When it rains, it pours. That saying was true last month. It is sad because it is dumb things that they did to get hurt. The two kids in my group broke their bones by playing on the swings. One kid jumped off while swinging really high because his friend dared him to. The kid with the broken finger just fell off the swing while swinging.
           The other kid that broke her arm was running on the playground and ran into a pole. Then the last kid I want to talk about was playing in the gym and tripped over another kid and fell on the floor with his face hitting it. He hit the floor hard enough that his tooth almost left a hole in his lip. Last month was just a crazy month and I am glad it is over and that things are changing for the better. If all the injuries weren't enough to deal with, I also had to deal with people making things up about me that weren't true and was questioned a lot about different things.
            Although it has been crazy, I have grown stronger though it all. I have noticed different things that I don't think I would have noticed before about myself and even about where I work. One thing about where I work now is that they handle situations like these very differently then where I have worked before. I didn't need to as scared as I was because they understand that they are children and things like these things will happen. The parents also understood that too. I also got a lot of encouragement from the people around me when I needed. They could see that I was upset and they asked me about my feelings.  I just had to remember that I wasn't the only one going through all of this, the other teachers were too. Remembering that helped me to be more humble in situations like these in the future and calmer because I know I wasn't alone. I thought back to all the times I was alone in situations like these at other jobs and how I needed to be the stronger one here. Yet, it took a lot out of me because I had a happy face on at work but then when I got home I would start to cry.
               I will also say that going through all of these situations have changed me by wanting and needing to help children. There were times that I had to help the child with the broken arm open his snacks or cut/draw for art. I got joy and purpose out of doing that for him. I got to experience what it is like to help children like him even if he needs help for a little bit. Sometimes people might wonder what it is like to help a special needs child. The child with a broke arm might not be a special needs child in the way we think one is but for a short moment that child is one. He might have caused the special needs but he still needs the help with things that he can't do, especially if it is the arm he writes and does things with, which in this case it is. It gave me a new outlook on children like that because working with infants and toddlers, you don't get a lot of those problems because they don't know what it means to be a daredevil yet or peers pushing you do do things, you aren't suppose to do.
               I will never forget these past few months. They have grown me in ways that can't even be explained yet. I still have a lot of thoughts and ideas to sort out and put together once I'm done where I am. Some things might take months to put together and some things might take years like some things do. I also know though that I have served my purpose and that if God didn't want me to move on to another school that I wouldn't have the chance to do that. In a way, God is answering a lot of prayers with just this one move and though it will be hard at first, it will be worth it in the end. Like the title says, "It won't rain forever."