What is Loneliness Like for Me?

               I don't know what to write about for once. It is so funny because I have so many ideas here on my blog. So many verses, so many poem ideas, so many things to write about but yet I don't feel like writing about those things just yet. I feel like writing about what I don't know. My life. That I don't even know what to write about or quite understand it at this point. I am just so confused about it. I am trying to hear from God and yet I don't have the energy or understanding to know what He is doing right now in my life. The closer it gets to my 30th birthday, the more stress it seems to bring on me. The more things I need to seem to understand about life and all the new things I am learning right now too. I haven't quite felt like I have been on this earth in the past few months. They have gone by so fast it seems and things are happening just like that. I have wrote some entries about things that have gone on.
                To be honest, I have been focusing a lot of my time on trying to understand what true love is and about where I should go on from here and I think that is just all part of hitting my 30s. Finding a husband that loves you for you and having a set in career that you love to do and being able to support yourself and then your future family is just hard to wrap my mind around right now. I know I don't need to and can't figure everything out right now but it is just want I have been thinking about lately. As I am writing this entry, I know there is so much more I need to write and explain but I just can't put those things into words. It isn't easy at all yet it is for sure a season that I am trying to get through and I can't tell you that is changing me quite a bit.
                I have noticed that going back home to MO feels better then living here in AR. I am happier and less stress there then in AR. Living paycheck to paycheck is killing me, no matter how hard I try to stay up with it. I always fail and that is not a good feeling to have all the time. I have to ask my parents for money and being the stubborn and want to be self sufficient person I am, I hate doing that too but if I don't my bank account will be so bad that I won't get a house of my own like I want. It seems like my bank account and money as became my main focus and I hate that. I feel like I am checking my account every day and if not that every other day, just to make sure I don't have withdraws that I can't afford and most of the time I don't miss those.
               I just wish this season would be over for me. The season of living by myself and supporting myself. The season of the what ifs and the unsures. The season of where I have to watch everything very closely. The season of where I can't hang with friends or go out and do anything fun because I don't have the money to do that. The season of loneliness. That is what it really is like. No one ever told me that my 30s are going to be filled with loneliness. I mean if this is how my life is now, then you know that is how my 30s will start and that is no fun at all. I am at that point where I have no idea what is next for me in my life. I mean I have hit rock bottom in everything. What guy? What person? Would want a women like me that can barely stand above her measures?
                Some people might say this entry sounds depressed or anxious and I might be some of those things but that's not what I am trying to get across. What I want to know is this: How many 30 year olds that are alone feel this way too? I know I can't be the only one that feels this way. This entry is just an almost 30 years old (in 3 months) sharing her true feelings. This life by now is totally opposite of what I wanted it to be or ever dreamed of it to be but maybe yet God is trying to tell me something. Maybe He is trying to show me what it really means to be "second" or a "servant" first and then get the things you want? Maybe He is saving the best for last? I don't know why He would do this just yet but I trust and believe that He will show me down the road.
                 It is funny I am feeling this way because just this past week on Bible study lesson was on loneliness and now this coming week's lesson will be on striving. So in God's words and the opposite of those words: Connection and Rest. Yet the question still comes up in my mind: How is that suppose to help me?
                I think I am going to end this entry with that question because it seems like a good place to stop and make you all think about it.