Proverbs 31 Women-The Message

Hymn to a Good Wife

10-31 A good woman is hard to find,
    and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
    and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
    all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
    and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
    and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast
    for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
    then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
    rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
    is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
    diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need,
    reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows;
    their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
    and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
    when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
    brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
    and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
    and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
    and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
    her husband joins in with words of praise:
“Many women have done wonderful things,
    but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
    The woman to be admired and praised
    is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
    Festoon her life with praises!

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All the verses or part of verses that are bolded are things that I need and can work on. They are things I need to remember and try to get better at. The one that I need to work on the most is the last one and then maybe all of the other verses will fall into place. 

-I need to get up a little earlier. 
-I need to save my money a little better.
-I need to keep the children that I have throughout the day busy and productive.
-I need to use my words wisely. 
-I need to have more practice organizing my day and week.
-I need to practice more on living in the moment and not to hurry calling its quit for the day. 

Strange how I need to work on all of these areas to become a better women for now and then a wife someday. 

The Topic of Prayer

"Prayer catapults us onto the frontier of the spiritual life. It is original research in unexplored territory. Meditation introduces us to the inner life, fasting is an accompanying means, but it is the discipline of prayer itself that brings us into the deepest and highest work of the human spirit… To pray is to change. Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us." 

- Richard J. Foster | Prayer: Finding Your Heart’s True Home
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"Prayer is the expression of the human heart in conversation with God. The more natural the prayer, the more real He becomes to us… prayer is a conversation between two people who love each other." 

- Rosalind Rinker | Prayer: Conversing With God
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Prayer produces:

- increased PERSPECTIVE of what’s really important.
- increased POWER for our relationship with God and others.
- increased PASSION for God and one another.
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The Jesus Prayer-

"Dear Lord Jesus, Son of God
have mercy on me, a sinner... and thank you for loving me.
Help me to fear not, fret not, and faint not.
Continue to cleanse my mind and purify my heart, and help
me become a man that you can trust, for Your honor and glory.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen."
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The Daily Examen:

1. Acknowledge God’s presence.
2. Count your blessings and give thanks.
3. Ask God to help you look back on the day through His eyes.
4. Pay attention to your emotions.
5. Choose one feature of the day and pray about it.
6. Look forward to the opportunities of tomorrow.
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Prayer of Commitment:

"Lord, I give myself to You, whatever the cost may be. Take every aspect of my life and use me for Your Kingdom to glorify Your name. I'm not here on earth to do my own thing or seek my own fulfillment or my own glory. I'm not here to indulge my desires, to increase my possessions, to impress people, to be popular, to prove I'm somebody important, or to promote myself.
I'm not here even to be relevant or successful by human standards. I'm here to please You. The desire of my heart is to discover what it means to delight in You. I want to have my heart and mind entranced and captivated by the superlative beauty and sweetness of who you are. I'll do anything that You want me to do, go anywhere that You want me to go, and say anything that You want me to say. Father, there isn't any gift that You have for me that I don't want. If you want me to move out of my comfort zone, I’ll follow you. If You want to use me in a way that I'm not used to, I yield myself to that. Today I re-dedicate myself to You. I love You Lord, and I choose to live and minister in Your way. I trust You, Lord, to do that which I cannot do myself. Teach me, guide me, empower me, and reveal yourself through me. 

In Jesus' Name, Amen."
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          The two prayers that are actually prayers were written by the pastor that was preaching this past Saturday night at church. I was going to put some of my own words in but I wanted to get it posted fast so I didn't. I will change them later on for my life. The two prayers I am talking about are: "The Jesus Prayer" and "The Prayer of Commitment".  I also want to write out a prayer on here using "The Daily Examen" later on. One that I can use everyday if needed.

First Half of 2018

            I was going to write about my week break from Facebook but I can do that tomorrow or another time. Right now, I want to talk about the first half of 2018 since it is the 6th month this month. Can't believe it has already been half a year. It has been a hard struggle for me. There has been a lot of changes too fast. I'm not good with changes to start with and I thought I started them all far enough apart but I was wrong. I am struggling in all areas of life. You name it, something is going wrong in that area. Areas like friendships, money, life goals, and other things. I just don't want all of my 2018 to be such a struggle. I don't want to remember my 30th year as a struggle and probably the hardest one yet but the way things are looking for me my 32nd year will be where the good things start if not before then.
           God is working in my life. I know that but I just don't know how or why. It would be nice to have a friend/mentor to help me through all of these crazy things and changes. Yeah, we would have to go back to Jan. but it would be worth it. I have things and stories to share but I am scared to share it with some random person. There are also reasons why I am so scared to share all that I am feeling to one person. I have a lot of people/women that could be my mentor and guide but then I have my reasons not to have just one but I am thinking I just need that one women that will hold me accountable. Someone I can meet face to face every so often and be truly opened with. Yet at the same time, I feel like word will get around to where I don't want it to get around to.
            I mean I do trust the women in my life but you always know someone though someone. When it is about someone or some people and you don't want it to get to that person, it is hard. I thought it would help joining a new women's Bible study and get to meet some new women and I did and I love them all but I still can't share what is really going on in my life with all of them just yet. There have been nights that I wanted to share prayer requests or share what was on my heart but I didn't know how to word it without making things so noticeable. Now I am not blaming anyone, if I am blaming someone it is myself. I don't know why I am letting that hold me back from friendships and things like that.
           It is so hard to be that women where you thought you had everything planned out but then God changes it all on you in no time. It is hard to give up things you have held onto for years like friendships, jobs, and other things just to keep yourself safe. It is really hard when you have to do it by yourself. You have to be strong and keep living your life. It is hard when you have a caring and compassionate heart but other people don't. It is hard when you want so much at this age and you know you are not getting any of it because it isn't time and because you have messed up in the past so bad. It is hard doing things with yourself without any guidance at all.
           It is hard when you have to go to one stressful thing straight to another stressful thing. It could be a child at your work one day and then a friend outside of work the next day. You could be dealing with the same two for over some time but then another thing decide to get on broad with those two things. I am sick this weekend probably because I have been stressing out about a lot of things lately and trying to make it on my own. I have a feeling that if I keep going through this year by myself it won't get any easier. I have messed up in so many ways this year, I have felt like and it is only the 6th month. Trying to do it by myself and trying to figure things out are not easy. Yes, I might look happy or at least okay on the outside but on the inside I am dying by stress. If that is a thing. I don't get my life right now at all. I am so lost and so confused and so much of that is because of myself, I think.
          I'll be okay. There is no need to be alarmed but just know that I don't share my true feelings easy or in a big group. I don't know if I am burnt out in my field or just where I am in life right now. I don't know how to make it to where I can enjoy life and be able to live like I am living now on my own. I will be honest too that the thought of marriage has been through my mind so many times and I am sick of it. I am sick of seeing these happily married people and especially the Christ focused ones when that is what I want right now. Yet I feel like I am striving for it but I'll never get there. I want to know more about it and how to get ready for it. That has always been a dream of mine. I was the odd one that always dreamed and planned my wedding. It has always been a desire of my heart. I am even starting to think that marriage is my dream and goal in life along with raising a family and being a stay at home mom. Yet, I feel like no guys will even give me a chance to get there because I am so "old" style. 
            I know what I am doing right now is probably not a good way to start that because it shows guys that I am so insecure about myself right now but in a way I have the right to be. I have the right to show or write out, in this case, my emotions and thoughts. I just wish someone would come along side me and tell me that they understand and that their story was almost like mine, if not like it. I don't know why it is so strong on my heart to share this like this but it is. Maybe something will come out of it or maybe not? If you want to know how the first half of my 2018 is going, there you go. Just hope and pray I can make it through the rest of the year and that things will get better for me. 

I Am......

Stubborn, Determined, Authoritative, Micromanaging, and lastly quite............
          so you would never know all those things about me unless you really got to know me.

          I say that I am all of those things because I guess it is true and why I am still single. I mean being all 5 of those things really doesn't help a relationship because it just makes it one sided and pushes the other person away. I knew I was the first two since high school or before and I have also been the last one-quite. Stubborn-The more I live and learn by myself, the more I learn that I am. Honestly that one I probably really realized in college because I was living on my own. Determined-Well, let's just say that my high school cross country coach called me that every year while I was in high school. Let's just say that is the only award I got in the Awards Banquet at the end of each year so I actually have proof of that one. I will say though it was and still is today true. LOL!
         The last two-Authoritative and Micromanaging-I would have never thought myself to be but apparently that is what I have been like for the past 6 months. If people would understand my background, I come from a teacher's/superindent's home so I had was leaders raising me. I am sorry that I like things to be in order and have a routine. I am sorry that I can't handle stress like most people can. I am sorry that I can't tell you how I feel when I am feeling it. I am sorry that I like to have a clean classroom. Yet I am glad those two things have been pointed out to me because I feel like they have given me some hope about actually using my degree in the future.
         My FACS with Child Development degree is really meant for being a director of a daycare. That is one of the many things I can do with it and really the reason I went for that degree. I wanted to start my own in home daycare someday and though I might not be able to start it now or ever, depending on where life takes me, I can see now that I can at least measure up to a director someday. Now mind you all, being called all those things doesn't surprise me a bit and for me it is kind of a compliment. One because it shows I can be more of something in the future and two because it just tells me that I am more like my dad in every way.
          I have always known that I am more like my dad in my personality but I always thought it was because of the quite, shy, doesn't like to talk much, easily stressed but hides it part of the personality. Oh! and not talking about emotions. Apparently, the older I am getting the more I am becoming like him in my personality. I am getting the authoritative and micromanaging down like my dad. Now that doesn't mean I will take on the roll as a superindent or a big leadership roll like that anytime soon because I know I can't do that. That would stress me out way too much. It did as a child and it would do it even more as an adult. Now if I can just get to the part where everyone or most everyone likes me as that way then things would be great. It might take me awhile to find that place that I can get along with everyone and agree with what they are doing.
            Who knows? I might even be there now but just have to be there a few more years til I feel that way. I don't know but I do know that I am finding out who I truly am and it is hard. It is hard going through different stages of life and different jobs just to find that one that will fit you the rest of your life especially if it is a job that you never wanted or thought you would have and/or like in the first place. If you look at my family, we all have that little bit of authoritative and micromanaging in each of us. My brothers are business people for big companies/people, oldest sister a nurse while she raised 4 kids, 2nd oldest sister was a daycare teacher but now a working mom with 3 kids, 3rd oldest sister a teacher, and my mom is even a teacher and there is 6 of us.
           Did I mention that all those above is probably why I am still single to this day? Because I won't give those things up and I probably scare boys away with those things. I mean if you ask a few of my crushes, they would probably agree. That is what is amazing about God through, He will either help you give those things up or use it for the good of others. You just need to let Him do that. It is and can be hard when you find out who God truly made you to be but in the end it is all worth it. Yeah, there might be some things that you have to give up down the road and/or just for a little bit but if it was meant to be God will make it happen later on. God just wants you to be happy with who He made you to be before you go fitting into another life mold and start that stage of life.
           God always does things His Ways because they are better then we could ever think of and let me tell you I have learned that the hard way. I will keep learning it that way until God is done with me which He won't be until I am with Him in Heaven.

When Will the Door Open?

       -Life might be hard for me now but I can see where God is going in everything. I will be blessed when the right time comes.
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"You can lead people to Christ but you can make them come to Christ."
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"God went before You and knew You can get through it."
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"God led you to it, He will lead you out stronger then ever before."
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"You do you."
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"Get your heart in tune with God and then lead by example."
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        God does His Prefect Thing in His Prefect Timing. All last week I have been praying that more doors will open and hopefully one that I like best will be one of those doors. God kind of confirmed that He was doing that in my life by what the sermon was all about yesterday. The sermon was about "The Good Shepherd". It touched my heart where it needed to be touched. Knowing God is there for me really comforted me.
          In the sermon, there was a lot of references going back to Psalms 23. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." "Although I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil, my rod and staff they comfort me." It was also pointed out that if the person was a good shepherd, then they would be a good leader and vice via. It was a way to show that God is in control of our lives.
          God has gone ahead of us to see what was there just like a shepherd does for his sheep. He isn't surprised by anything that happens in our lives and He wouldn't let anything through if He knew we couldn't handle it. It is like that thing has to get through Him first before it comes to us. It is strange to think about some earthly things that way. We think, sometimes, that it still went through Him and He let it happen. He knows when we are ready for certain things. It is like the saying. "Jesus is the door. He has control of what comes in and out of our lives."
          In the sermon, the pastor showed us what a shelter for sheep looked like. The shepherd usually lays at the entrance and won't let anything in that is not good for the sheep. He will fight whatever wants to get in if he has to. He knows what is coming before the sheep even does. Does this remind you of someone? Jesus. I have been praying that many doors will be open in my life right now and I will tell you that God knows which ones to open and which ones to shut and at the right time too.                 When a door shuts on you, it doesn't feel very pleasant at all. In fact, it is hard and hurts most of the time. I had a door shut on me about 3 months ago and it is still hard to let go and see the reasoning behind it all but even though, God shut that door for now, He has opened others. He has opened a great new church for me to go to and He open that door by giving me a job that I loved and got to know people and their children from. Because He opened that church door, He might be opening another door very soon that I have been praying about without even knowing that the chances of getting it would be this soon. God really does give and take away but He gives more when He takes away things. We are blessed a whole lot more.
           Then God has opened doors through different jobs for me. I know where I am now I wouldn't be if it wasn't for my last job that I had. We all know that we can only spend so much time there before another door opens. This half of a year already feels like it has had a million doors open and I feel like God isn't done opening doors for me yet because I am praying that He will open more especially in the relationship department. I know it is strange but true. I loved the sermon this past weekend because it showed me that God was and really is working in my life. That He is leading me on the best path He has for me and will continue to when the time is right. It also reminded me that God doesn't give things to His People without going through it first. He has already been there and He gave it to me because He knows I'll get through it even if it takes me being a little bit stronger then I was before.
              It is funny too because it seems like every little thing I hear or even do, it gets me thinking about and praying about it, then God opens up a door someway to answer that prayer. I will also say that the other doors God has in store for me to open, I know and believe that I will be blessed by each one of them. I also know that I will bless more people by going through those doors. God knew what I wanted and needed. He knew I was starting to miss certain things and having hard times with other things. He knew I needed to let go and He gave me the strength to do all those things for now. He knew what thing I needed to focus on more then others. I just pray that someday, when the time is right, God will lead me to where I am suppose to be.  Here are two verses that you can look up about living your life for God:

-John 10:10

-Romans 8:28.

          When it seems like God is not listening or not opening a door, it really means that He is going ahead of you and seeing if that thing is okay or not for you. One way or the other He will let you know if you can go through that door or if you need to wait a few more years while He is working on you and working things out. God is always working on our behalf even behind the things we can see. There are things that we will never see or know that He worked on so we could be where we are in life at that moment. 

Getting Off of Facebook

         I have thought a lot about this this weekend and I think I am going to do it starting tomorrow. I am going to get off Facebook for this next week. I might even do it a little longer depending on how this week goes. If you want to get ahold of me at anytime go ahead and message me or comment if needed but you can always text me too. I am scared of doing it but seeing and hearing the things God is saying around me this weekend really helped me to see that I need to do it. Helped me to see that I am not like everyone else.
        A lot of things are going on in my life right now that I just need to get away from and think about more. I mean it goes from friends to family. Facebook is not the place when it is only filled with happy people and pages you don't want to look at because you are in a certain situation where you are trying to do what is right for you and that other person. I have felt like it has really brought me down in the last months and using the messager for things that I shouldn't be using it for. Now if you really need me I still will open up the Messager app on my phone but that is it. I just need a break to where I can figure things out and not get so stressed about things. I know work is going to be hard this next month so I am trying to save my energy for that too. It is just all kinds of things that has led me to this idea.
         I just feel like I need this time alone with God and really hear what He has to say to me and I can't do that with Facebook in my face. He has changed my life so much in these past 3 months by changing my personality, changing my heart in certain situation, giving me opportunities I didn't think I would have, and other things. I am thinking that God is trying to talk to me and lead me down another path but with everyone's ideas and opions getting in the way I can't think straight. I need to try and make plans on my own. I need a goal and dream for my life and right now I feel like I don't have that at all. That is what I am going to be working on. A plan that is just for me. Something that I will like for a long time and stick with it.
        Maybe this will help me tell that path or not but it is something I need to do so I can get over some things or at least start to get over them. Thought I could do that without having to have a break from Facebook but I can't. It breaks my heart that it has come to this. That might sound strange because I am talking about Facebook but there is so much more behind that that people can't see. I will hopefully write in this a lot more this week as I am thinking and that will be on Facebook too because I can paste it through this onto that. I can even write about my experiences on here about staying away from it.
         Just because I am not on Facebook doesn't mean I want people to stop talking to and checking up on me. I might text some people and plan to meet with them if I need to keep busy to stay off like next weekend. I will admit that I will probably need that more then ever this week in different ways. Prayers would be great too. Prayers for wisdom and patience. Prayers for letting go of the old and looking towards the new. Prayers to get my living habits under control. Prayers for healing in all kinds of ways and just whatever else you can think of for me. Thanks in advance. :)
        One more thing that I want to mention too but probably won't mean much to many of you but I'm going on my 3rd month today and it is killing me every time I think about it.

In Due Time

"Don't worry about what people will think. You do you and you do what you know in your heart is right. Things will come around in due time for sure."
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          When I was thinking about the title and the saying above, I was thinking of what I can get out of the here and now but something happened this morning in the early morning that I can't wrap my mind around just yet. When we waste time thinking about what people will think of us, we will miss out on the events and people around us. People that really care about and events that could really mean something. Why stay somewhere when you aren't having fun there? Why not ask that friend to hang out because you might not know when the next time you will see them will be? Why not make that dream come true because you don't know when your life will end?
            These past few months I have felt things in my heart that I have never felt before and I have done things that I never thought I would. I have even done things these past few weeks that I didn't think I had the courage to do. I got to the point and still getting there where I don't care what people think about me even the people closest to the people I care about. I know that sounds bad but it isn't their attention I am trying to get. They don't know what I really feel in my heart at all like I do. Get it? I thought all this process was enough for me but what hit me last night was that it wasn't. I can't tell all the details because I don't know them all but I was really shocked when I heard the news.
          I heard the news at like 3:00 this morning for some reason because I was looking at Facebook on my phone. A college friend has a kind of cancer that I don't think I have ever heard of or at least I didn't noticed the name of it and she is only 32. She just turned that age in Dec. which was 5 months ago. She is married. She also has a little daughter that is the cutest thing ever! What gets me though, is that she is only 32 and needs treatments for this cancer. I'm two years away from that age. That right there shows you you never know what will happen. I will say that I just got back talking and hanging out with her to since college, which has been about 8+ years.
         This title and saying meant so much more to me after that and I stayed up a little while thinking about them but I had to get some more sleep before work today. If you worry about what people think, you will never get what you want or what God wants for you. Those things might be hard right now but hopefully, in due time, things will come around. I have so many events around me that is showing me that if I do what my heart says is right, things will be for the better and worth it in the end. I have never been more open in my life like I have been these past few months in certain situations. I just hope the people that are in them with me knows I mean the best and it is for a reason.
          It just got me to think about where I am in life and do I really want to stay there. What if I got the same news has my friend or close to the same news tomorrow would I know I lived my life well and all for God? I know this might sound dramatic but I am not meaning for it to come out that way. It is a question we all need to ask and a saying we all need to think about. Do I want to stay stressed out all my life or do I actually want to enjoy it? I know I am making a difference but can I be making a bigger difference? When questions like that are going on in my mind and keeping me up at night that should tell you where I am in life right now.  My friend had the "perfect" life and then she got the news. You know God can't do perfect timing if there is such thing for this for me to realize these things once again.
        I just know if I keep praying for certain things to happen and keep believing that a door will be opened some day, it will happen or if not then something better will come along. It isn't just these two events, I could probably name 3 more that are happening around me that are making me think: do I really need to stay where I am or move on? I am trying to be strong through these months and I might come across that way because if you see me out in public I try to hide it but I'm not okay. I am breaking on the inside because I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I thought I planned out or knew that I loved have not worked out perfectly yet and I don't know if they ever will. Yet those things are truly hard to get if they really mean a lot to you.
       You have to keep reaching for them even when times are tough. Having those experiences lately, though, have really opened my eyes and made me see a lot of things. It has taught me a lot about what life is really about. It has showed myself that I can do it and I can confront people about how I feel and not really care. I know that might sound bad but in a way it is good. I am getting better at sharing my true feelings and if you know me at all that is something that is really hard for me to do. I am getting better at noticing the surroundings around me too. When you share how you are feeling, so much gets lifted off of you. When you don't care what other people think, that weight is gone. That weight alone is SO heavy.
        I know that I have said in a past entry that my ministry heart has come back. I am thinking about all those mission trips and chances that I let pass me by when I had the chance to go. I am hitting myself upside the head not being able to change more children's lives overseas. When I think about what I would do differently again, my heart and mind always goes back to those moments and/or raising a family of my own. Maybe in due time, right? Maybe if I keep following my heart and not caring what people say about me?
        This is a big step towards a better life for me. Learning this will change everything for me. I needed this breakthrough ever since high school. I think God has some other plans in the near future for me that I will need to show that I am stronger then ever before. That I have changed and have been making it on my own.