God, I Want to Be One With You

          My name means.........."Appearance of God". I started thinking about my name on Thursday while I was at an "Anxiety" conference. It has been awhile since I thought about it.

          I saw a verse on a friend's Facebook page on Aug 28th, 2015. It was: 1 John 3:24. My friend put it in their own words, "My life is not my own, it's intertwined with Christ." I looked up the verse and verses before it today and it was about loving people like Christ has loved them. It was also about being one with Christ. I was also telling myself while I was falling asleep and just saying "I'm intertwined with Christ" and it helped me relax and fall asleep.

         Then, tonight at church, the sermon was about "Living as One" with Christ and the church. The verses that the pastor used was from John 17. They talked about how we are to live as One in His Name, By His Word, To this World, and to give God the glory.

        I drove home from church thinking," Ok. God what are you telling to tell me. You have told me to be with You 3 days in a row. You have kept me up late last night and I have a feeling You will keep me up late again tonight. God, I have all these ways that I could be the appearance of and One with You. My question is: "Which one?" "Do I use my anxiety and disorder for Your Glory?" "Do I start an in home Christian Daycare?", "Do I go into OT and help children like me for Your Glory?" "Do I help a friend with their ministry for Your Glory?" "Do I speak up about my anxiety and disorder and how I got through it for Your Glory?"
        Then when I got home, I was still thinking about it. I have all of these things that I could be doing but what is it that God wants me to do. How am I One with Him in everything that I do? Just to let you all know I haven't talked to God in about 2 days because I have been getting home so late. I still, however, been reading His Word every morning. I decided to have a quite time with Him and talk to Him before I went to bed.
        I went to hang out with some friends until 11:00 pm and then after that I just felt like I needed to go on a country road and just talk with God so I did that. I asked Him all the questions and told Him that I have no idea where I started to get wrapped up in myself when I was working my job. It all happened so fast and now I feel like it is just a little spot in my life. Yes, I have some children I will remember forever and that I know that I helped but it went by so fast and so short. During that time, I also forgot how to take care of myself. Now is so different from when I had the job.
         It is amazing how a little self care can change you completely around. How being stressed and worried can take the encouragement and happiness out of you that you use to have and turn it into meanness and stubbornness. I can't put my finger on it yet but I did not feel like I was one with God at a job that I should have, at least I thought, felt like I should been. I think God is reteaching me how to be One with Him because I got off the path. I did get worried and mad and upset. I did try to control everything when I had no place of controlling it.
          The two and a half years seem to be just a glimpse now. It is hard to explain but as I look back on it, I wonder who that girl was that was working there and why did she get that way. She wasn't who she started out to be and I miss that girl. That girl that could encourage and listen. That girl who loved on children no matter what. That girl that loved to create and teach. To us, it is strange how God knows when it is time to change things and get us back on track for Him and even for ourselves sometimes. I have spent a lot of time lately by hanging out with friends and just in His Word and encouraging people and friends and that just gives me a smile when I do that. I actually missed it while working.
           It is strange how God works because before I went to my friends' to hang out, I stopped by a McDonald's to get a Fappe that I had been wanting to try. The cashier was a new employe and a young one at that, maybe a high schooler. You could tell that he was really stressed and one of the customers were helping him out because they were so busy and no one else was there to help him.  Well, of course, I know what it is like being out of a job but yet at the same time being so busy at the job, so I felt like God was telling me to give that boy a dollar tip. I went back in and gave him a dollar and told him "thank you".
           I felt like when I was working I couldn't see people like that. All I could see or wanted to see was me and I hated that. I will even admit there are time I would complain to my friends when they really needed my help instead but I couldn't see that because I wasn't aligned with God. I wasn't being One with Him. After that, I wrote a friend back to tell the friend that helping them out was my pleasure and I just wanted to spread the Kingdom of God by something I did earlier this month. I don't know who that girl was in my spot at my job but it wasn't me. That's for sure and I didn't like her.
         The questions now are: How can I Live as One now with God? How can I be intertwined with Him? I'm letting God answer those. I'm not even going to "try" to get a job I want or to understand a job I want. I am going to let God lead my where He wants me. Wherever that may be. God, I want to be One with You.

Disclaimer: It might sound like I am bragging to some people but I'm not. I'm trying to show that when you let God control your path and trust in Him by listening to Him, He can do some amazing things for you.
          For me, lately, I have learned that God speaks to me by a tugging at my heart. My heart actually feels like it is getting pulled on. I feel that when I need to pray for someone, help someone, or just get together with someone especially when I know they are going through hard times. How does God speak to you? 

When We Practice Real Love

"18-20 My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

21-24 And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God! We’re able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we’re doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God’s command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us."-1 John 3:18-24 (MSG) 

"My life is not my own, it's intertwined with Christ."-A quote, about verse 24, by a friend in their own words.

        These verses at the quote by a friend are my life verses and theme right now. I really need to get in a study about 1 John. Just to let everyone know the title of this entry is the title of the chapter in the Bible if you use "The Message" version. Every time I go back to that book, it is to see if I'm loving enough and I feel like I could always do more. What I got from these verses and especially the ones that I highlighted is how to love myself and let God love me for me. I've been down on myself a lot lately so these verses were a really encouragement to me. I saw that God does care about us and that if we love other people then the worry and anxiety we have will go away. We just have to believe it will. 

          Now don't get me wrong. I still believe there is such a thing as anxiety disorder and I still believe I have it in a lot of ways but we need to found out a way to where I have less of it and these verses might help me. It did when I was going to bed last night. I was repeating the last part of my friend's quote, "my life is intertwined with Christ" and next thing I know I woke up in the morning ready to go. I want to love Christ and myself and see how Christ loves me so I can pass that love on to other people. When our lives are intertwined with the Love of Christ then we can love people. People can see Christ in us. 

          We are not living for ourselves or by ourselves so why do we worry all the time? When we worry we miss what God has planned for us. We don't do what He wants us to do because we are so focus on ourselves and not other people. We have to get this certain thing done before we can go onto the next thing God has planned for us. Wrong! We worry instead of taking the time to talk to and love on other people. 

          I really love the verse that I highlighted that says, "For God, knows our worried hearts  better then we do and He knows us better then we know ourselves." How encouraging is that! In time of disappointment, we still have someone and can trust someone that knows us better and has a better plan for us then we could have ever thought of. We don't have to worry about anything. We just have to love! 

          Once we understand that God as everything under His control then we are bold and free to live for Him. We are free to love other people! We know that He loves us no matter what we are like or look like so we don't have to be worried what other people think. We have God on our side and if they don't like that then at least we can say we tried and did our part. Because we are bold and free in Him, that means we are living in and with Him. We are intertwined with Him. We are not worrying about what this world as for us but what we have for the world, which is way more important then anything this world can offer. 

          God is Love! If we don't have God in our hearts, then we don't have anything. We don't have a life. It might sound harsh but it is true. How can you truly live but not love on people. I'm going to make a statement that I usually don't make because I hate conflict but I feel like I need to make. Love is what is missing in this world and not just any love but God's Love. 

Challenge for You: "Go be bold and free. Don't worry about a thing. Show people who God made you to be through your weaknesses and all. Go be Love and you will be loved back."

Addicted to Anxiety

        I went to a conference last night, at a church in Bentonville, called "Addicted to Anxiety". The conference was put on by "Tangible Truth Ministries" at the First Baptist Church in Bentonville. It was just full of information for me and every other women there. I probably had 6 pages of things that I wrote down from that 2 hour conference. There were 5 different speakers. Two of them were live and then the other 3 were live from videos but it was still great. I will write about some of the things that I wrote down and thought was important but that still won't be enough to explain how it touched my life. I might have to do some Bible verses entries from the verses I got during the conference.
        The first speaker that talked was Angie Cross and she was live from a video but she still had an important message and I got a lot from her. To her, anxiety is those nagging thoughts that you can't get rid of and fear is those thoughts you think but yet you can get ride of. Sometimes anxiety and fear can go and does go together but this is how she tells them apart. She has a problem with social anxiety, which I can relate to big time. For her, though, the way I understood it, she didn't see it until her later years or she developed it in her later years. Either way, it still means a lot to me. I loved the advice that she gave and that advice was, "Wherever you go, assume that you are welcome." She said that whoever she would go into a big group, she felt like she wasn't welcome so she would start to get anxious so she just started to think that thought and that helped her.
         Another piece of advice from her was, "Shine through me, Jesus." She said that saying that helped her with her anxiety because she knew she was doing it for a reason and that reason was Jesus and she didn't want to let Him down. There is a verse that was shared last night that kind of goes with that and it is: 2 Samuel 22:29-31 (ESV). Another piece of advice from her was, "What you do can't be separated from that you believe. It's not about you or them, it is about God." That to me was really powerful.
        The 2nd speaker was another women on live video and her name is Beth Moore. I was kind of disappointed that she wasn't going to be there but I know I was also being hopeful because she is a very busy women. I would love to meet her one day, though. She told us that she started her ministry or speaking about Christ at the age of 18 and that really encouraged me. She also has anxiety about things and she gave us the 5 biggest triggers for her. Some of them are: conflicts of loved ones, when she thinks she has done or said something wrong, hates to say "no", and when there are expectations to reach. I can relate, also, to all of them. Who would have thought, one of the best women speakers worry about all of these things? Just shows what God can do through you if you would let Him.
         The piece of advice that I got from her and really stuck with me was: "Anxiety is an insult to God." It is an insult because He tells us to trust Him and to give everything over to Him so He can take care of them. When we have anxiety, it is like we don't trust God with certain things and to a big God that is a big insult. How do you think that makes God feel, when His children won't trust Him with things even the little things? The question that we need to ask ourselves and God is: "What should I be releasing to You?"
          The 3rd speaker and main speaker of the night was Sarah Gross but what she taught me will have to be in another entry because there was a lot of good advice and verses from her. The last speaker of the night was one that I probably could relate to the best. I wish she would have had more time to talk because I can only think how much she would touch my life if she kept going on her points. Her name was Holley Gerth and she is a native from Arkansas and has wrote a lot of encouraging books.
           This is what I learned from Holley Gerth. She said that her anxiety started in the 3rd grade too because everyone was making fun of how she looked. She would go to the nurse because her stomach was hurting and she would even hid in the bathroom at times because had had social anxiety and the school setting was just too much for her at times. I did some of those things too. I would go to the bathroom and hid or to my parents' classroom or office just to get away from people. Granted it was mainly in high school because I was getting made fun of and things were just harder with family situations but I still did those things. I would like to think that I've always had social anxiety but it has gotten to be more noticeable the more I am by myself.
          Holley talked about how she changed her social anxiety into her "superpower" for God. She also explained what was going on in people's body with social anxiety. It has a lot to do with our brain and central nervous system. She told us how our anxiety could be used for God by making us attentive to other people's lives because we are so sensitive. I think about that has a bad thing sometimes because I don't notice the signs but if I did, I believe that I could make a difference in a lot of people's lives. If I can make myself do that and believe it is a gift from God for that, my superpower. When we change our anxiety to attentiveness by getting us focused on people and then to transform to what we think that person needs, and then to help and love on them.
         She also told us that she asked and challenged us to ask this question too when we are feeling down about ourselves, "Lord, what's really true?" Then she advised us to look in His Word, listen to other believers, and then to the Spirit itself. Another question she challenged us with was: "God, what do you want me to do?" She said that He answered her by saying: "Bless them with Me." Another piece of advice that she gave nearing the end of her talk was: "Obedience is success". If we obey God, then we will become successful. We might not become successful in the way the world looks at success but we will become successful in God's way.
       
My challenge to whoever reads this entry is to reread what I put in bold letters and ask yourself those questions everyday though the day and repeat those quotes in bold everyday through the day. It is something I am going to try myself.
 It would be neat to see and hear what God has taught you while saying and asking those things so leave comments or write me if you know me personally or try and get together. I'm free anytime, all the time right now. I'm willing to listen to any kind of stories. :)

Mind Relaxing Day

        Today was the most mind relaxing day I have had in, probably, over 2 years, which is strange because I probably had the hardest thing happen to me today as well. I won't go into the details about the hardest thing because I don't want people to know about it. Let's just say I had to find something out the hard way and I don't appreciate that at all. That is only one thing, even though, I have to deal with and think about it for the next few days. I was trying to forget about it and move on but I can't let it go.
       It was a strange relaxing day and I call it mind relaxing because I did two things on that same day that I haven't done in awhile. Those two things were that I started counseling again and I am not scared to admit that. I also had yoga again tonight and this is my first week where I went to yoga 2 times a week and that is how many times that have it during the week. I had one in the morning and the other in the evening so between the two, I took a hour to hour and a half nap because I just didn't want to think about the bad thing that happened today.
       I did have a moment before I went into where I was going that I just had to do because I had to make my day fun somehow. Let's just say I honked my horn for the fun of it today while driving down the road.  Probably the funniest thing I did all day today, which is sad but you have to make some kind of fun when you are bored and mad. Anyways, back to my mind relaxing day. First, let's talk about counseling some. I won't write all the details but I will say that I liked it a lot and it is what I have been looking for since I moved here and was interested in counseling.
       I am going to a Christian counseling place and of course they ask you if you want to use God as part of your counseling. They do both kinds. I said "yes" and my counselor did use it while we were talking and even gave me some devos. to read that she found and other Christian things that I can do to calm me down. I'll give it a little more sessions until I really write about it on here if I do. Right now, that is a big life changing and self-care for me that I need to do and why not do it now when I have nothing else to do, right?
        Then I really didn't want to leave yoga tonight. I just wanted to lay down on the floor all night without moving. I started something new for myself during yoga. You know how they tell you to breath and think certain thoughts? Well, I usually just breath and focus on that which is something you need to do during yoga. While we were sitting the start and just calming our minds, I was thinking and saying the words, "Jesus", "Jesus, I trust you", "I trust you with my mind, body, and should", and also "I trust you with my future". I got the idea from a friend earlier this morning. The leader of yoga says at the start, "Forget about the past", "don't think about the future", "don't think about what you have to do after this class or what you did before it" and I replaced those sayings with sayings that had to do with Jesus and Trusting Him.
          I want to make that a habit every time I go so when and if I do it by myself at home, once I get good or at least all the poses down, I can say that out loud in my home. I was also thinking about saying some verses, either summarizing some or pick short verses and just repeat those in my head too. I have a few that I could start with right now. It is just strange how each person as to find their own way through life but it is a good thing too. God made each one of us special and I think that is also something I am learning too. I am bad at comparing myself with my friends or the people around me and that just makes me more confused and upset.
           Sometimes we even have so high of standards in a family setting that we won't know growing up but once we are out in the "real" world we can realize maybe we weren't made for what we thought or the family thought we were made for. If you have that thought, it is hard to change especially if you are a people pleaser. There is so much emotion that goes with that especially when you can't put the words to go with it because it is something new you have experience or seen. We could and do have all these people around us and trying to encourage us, which is great but as one person, we need to realize that we are different and need to take our problems and even our good things to God.
           God is the only one that truly knows how we feel. Most of the time, He knows how we feel and what is best for us better then we do. If you think about it that way, then why do we go to other people for advice. Suggestions and help is nice to get every once in awhile but we need to remember as children of God that we need to bring those suggestions and little pieces of advice back to Him and see where He stands on them and if they fit the plan He has for us. No one knows us better to God, Himself, not even our family and sometimes there comes a point in life where we have to realize that and then trust God with everything.
            Wow! All of these thoughts on my mind relaxing day but yet I didn't feel stressed about any of these thoughts. If you read this, it wouldn't look like a mind relaxing day to you but it was in a good way. You know why? Because they are all truth and it is something I need to work on. I'm just learning more and more about myself and maybe that is what I need during this season of my life. No matter what, though, I know I have people beside that will help when I ask. I just need to feel comfortable asking and not be so stubborn at times.

Challenge: "God wants us to bring every little bit of advice to Him so we can see what He has to say about it. He loves to help His Children through anything."

Jesus Dominates the Realm of Evil Spirits

Luke 4:31-37The Message (MSG)

31-32 He went down to Capernaum, a village in Galilee. He was teaching the people on the Sabbath. They were surprised and impressed—his teaching was so forthright, so confident, so authoritative, not the quibbling and quoting they were used to.

33-34 In the meeting place that day there was a man demonically disturbed. He screamed, “Ho! What business do you have here with us, Jesus? Nazarene! I know what you’re up to. You’re the Holy One of God and you’ve come to destroy us!”

35 Jesus shut him up: “Quiet! Get out of him!” The demonic spirit threw the man down in front of them all and left. The demon didn’t hurt him.

36-37 That set everyone back on their heels, whispering and wondering, “What’s going on here? Someone whose words make things happen? Someone who orders demonic spirits to get out and they go?” Jesus was the talk of the town.

        I love what verse 32 says about Jesus' teachings. It says his teachings were so forthright, confident, and authoritative. Why do we doubt then if He doesn't quote anything? We should be listening to that kind of teaching and then our lives wouldn't be such a mess. We also need to speak to people and act like that too in a way. Then I love the part of the verse 37 where Jesus told the demon to leave and the people were questioning Him. Wanting to know what just happened. Jesus didi that by just his Words but yet there was so much power and meaning behind the words. 

        Jesus was the talk of the town for a good reason. We all know that praying words have power behind them but have you ever thought about the other words you say or write. I had to watch that closely at my last job and sometimes I still do around some friends. I want my words to be confident but yet be encouraging and meaningful to the people in my life. Even if that, means after a fight or disagreement. Yes, I might be quiet for a few days but hopefully I've thought about it and saw your side too or if we are close enough I'll talk to you about it but I'm not promising calmly. Though I will try. No one is that prefect. 

          You know that old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." It is a cute saying but thinking about that saying with these verses it isn't true. While people might try to be tough, words can hurt them more then we could think. Your words have to match up with your actions and if they don't then you need to change something. You want to have nice words with nice actions, not bad words with bad actions. 

Real Vs. Fake

       I am going to be more real then I have ever been on my blog so please be careful what you think and what you say. I'm doing this because I know I'm not the only person out there who feels this way. We all do once in awhile. Some of us just more often then others so please be considerate of what I'm saying. I just feel like it is time for me to be somewhat real since I have the time and maybe it will help some others to see that being real is okay. We don't all need to be fake all the time even over the computer. We just have to be careful not to write about anyone else's life or start rumors about anyone else.
        I have a disorder or sickness or whatever you want to call it. Not sure quite what to call it but I have it and there is no doubt in my mind like there use to be. I was thinking about this last night while going to be and I'm finally came to the real thought that I do have anxiety whether I like it or not.  This could be my testimony to some people or to certain people on how to get over it and/or live with it. I do get easily upset over little life things that no one would get upset over and it scares me because I think "Am I going to have this all my life?", "Will I find a husband who will put up with me and all my mess?", "Will I ever get to live a normal life?", and the questions go on and on. I have all these dreams I want to come true yet I'm so anxious about them and doubt and worry what will go wrong with them.
       Maybe this is my ministry right now? Maybe being real and okay with who God made me to be wand sharing that? Not being this fake and strong person that I try to be often. I'm trying out different things to help me control my anxiety like yoga and counseling and other things that are suppose to help. I've been going back and forth on this since high school to try and found out what works best for me personally. I'm that kind of person once I feel fine like after a little bit of counseling, I will not go back but then I get that feeling again and will need to. I haven't stuck with counseling through a year yet, which that is my next goal.
        The only thing that I have stuck with for a year are the meds. and I have been told not to share a lot about those on here but I'm going to share a little bit in this entry because it is part of my journey and story right now. The meds are the only thing that I have stuck with for a year and I can tell a big difference with them but I am looking for other ways like the yoga and counseling because I don't want to be on them all my life. I would rather do yoga or counseling all my life if possible because to me relying on meds with a family and during those child birthing years are not good at all so I want to get away from those and onto something else if possible.
           I know I'm planning way in advance but as women we have to do that sometimes. Another thing that bothers me and I have tried to let it go but the more I admit I have it the more that it bothers me especially here lately. I tell people that I am anxious and that I have anxiety. People that I think would understand like people in the church and other places like maybe work but yet they say things like, "Just give that to God", "I don't believe in anxiety, I just give it to God", and "You can pray about it and it will go away", and so forth. Don't get me wrong, if you know me, you know I believe very strongly in God and Prayer. I am a big prayer warrior myself but there are some things that God will give you and not take away because it is a weakness he can use for His Kingdom. His Grace is made big in our weaknesses.
          This sickness is my weakness that God is using. He is using it by showing me what He can do through me. He is showing me that even though I worry a lot, that I can still trust Him and He will provide. How neat would it be if someday He will actually "heal" me from it and then I can use that story as a testimony! People see anxiety disorders as just something that people think up to get away with things but it is much more then that. It is a disorder that messes with your brain. You have unbalanced chemicals in your brain that meds and other things can fix. For me, it is the chemicals that make you cry and get more upset easily then other people. I am more emotional but yet on the plus side that makes me more compassionate in a way and that is another way God can use the disorder for good. Although, somedays I wish He would pick another way because it makes me sleepy a lot faster then other people.
            Even though, right now, I'm taking a break from other things. I think God is teaching me to be happy with who He made me and just learn about that. Try different things so I can help people with the same problem in the future if that time comes. Right now, hopefully since I am writing about it and the more I do maybe it will get easier for me to talk about it face to face and maybe tell those people that will come into my life about it so they will truly know who I am, especially those people who will mean the world to me someday. This is me starting to me real instead of fake because I have had it with being strong.
          Being strong is not worth it in the end of times but being real is. I will say that I know some other friends going through some sicknesses or disorders whether it is the same one as me or different ones, I hope this is encouragement to those friends and maybe it will challenge them to do the same thing but only about their disorder or sickness.
         "Being strong plus fake will not get you anywhere in life but being real will. Being an advocate for yourself when you have something like I do is probably the best thing you can do for yourself."

Where Am I in Life?-A Poem

         Putting a disclaimer on this poem. I did write it but I wrote it during college for a class assignment after I read a certain book for the class. The book was called "Ordinary People". I am putting it on here because it is just another poem that I wrote and I'm trying to put all of them on my blog.  No matter why I wrote the poem or what for. I have the papers that I had to turn in for college with the poem and the explanation of the poem.


Where Am I in Life?

Written By: Tiffney Wilson 


In life, where am I?
I have no idea. I am 
lost and so confused. 
I am discovering new 
feelings that I have never
felt before. I'm really scared.
Please help me, if you can.
I need all the help I can get. 

In life, where am I?
I just got used to everything
new and then something 
happens again and I get
lost all over. Why does it
seem like everything bad is 
happening to me?

In life, where am I?
I feel like I don't have a 
choice in anything. Everybody
is seeing if I'm okay and 
watching over me like a hawk.
I just can't stand it anymore. I
wish I could just get away from
everything and just take a break 
from life.

In life, where am I?
I don't know where I belong.
My friends really aren't liking 
me the way I am now. My
parents are fighting, plus my
mom doesn't like me. Where 
do I belong?

In life, where am I?
I have all of these feelings 
that I don't know how to handle 
ver well. I'm fighting with 
myself to let those feelings
come out of me because I know
that would make me feel a lot
better. Should I let them come
out?

In life, where am I?
Everything is just going 
downhill or so it seems and 
because of that everything is so 
hard for me to handle. I need 
at least one answer and everything 
will hopefully be fine. The answer 
to in life, where am I?


Written On: April 29, 2007