Real Vs. Fake

       I am going to be more real then I have ever been on my blog so please be careful what you think and what you say. I'm doing this because I know I'm not the only person out there who feels this way. We all do once in awhile. Some of us just more often then others so please be considerate of what I'm saying. I just feel like it is time for me to be somewhat real since I have the time and maybe it will help some others to see that being real is okay. We don't all need to be fake all the time even over the computer. We just have to be careful not to write about anyone else's life or start rumors about anyone else.
        I have a disorder or sickness or whatever you want to call it. Not sure quite what to call it but I have it and there is no doubt in my mind like there use to be. I was thinking about this last night while going to be and I'm finally came to the real thought that I do have anxiety whether I like it or not.  This could be my testimony to some people or to certain people on how to get over it and/or live with it. I do get easily upset over little life things that no one would get upset over and it scares me because I think "Am I going to have this all my life?", "Will I find a husband who will put up with me and all my mess?", "Will I ever get to live a normal life?", and the questions go on and on. I have all these dreams I want to come true yet I'm so anxious about them and doubt and worry what will go wrong with them.
       Maybe this is my ministry right now? Maybe being real and okay with who God made me to be wand sharing that? Not being this fake and strong person that I try to be often. I'm trying out different things to help me control my anxiety like yoga and counseling and other things that are suppose to help. I've been going back and forth on this since high school to try and found out what works best for me personally. I'm that kind of person once I feel fine like after a little bit of counseling, I will not go back but then I get that feeling again and will need to. I haven't stuck with counseling through a year yet, which that is my next goal.
        The only thing that I have stuck with for a year are the meds. and I have been told not to share a lot about those on here but I'm going to share a little bit in this entry because it is part of my journey and story right now. The meds are the only thing that I have stuck with for a year and I can tell a big difference with them but I am looking for other ways like the yoga and counseling because I don't want to be on them all my life. I would rather do yoga or counseling all my life if possible because to me relying on meds with a family and during those child birthing years are not good at all so I want to get away from those and onto something else if possible.
           I know I'm planning way in advance but as women we have to do that sometimes. Another thing that bothers me and I have tried to let it go but the more I admit I have it the more that it bothers me especially here lately. I tell people that I am anxious and that I have anxiety. People that I think would understand like people in the church and other places like maybe work but yet they say things like, "Just give that to God", "I don't believe in anxiety, I just give it to God", and "You can pray about it and it will go away", and so forth. Don't get me wrong, if you know me, you know I believe very strongly in God and Prayer. I am a big prayer warrior myself but there are some things that God will give you and not take away because it is a weakness he can use for His Kingdom. His Grace is made big in our weaknesses.
          This sickness is my weakness that God is using. He is using it by showing me what He can do through me. He is showing me that even though I worry a lot, that I can still trust Him and He will provide. How neat would it be if someday He will actually "heal" me from it and then I can use that story as a testimony! People see anxiety disorders as just something that people think up to get away with things but it is much more then that. It is a disorder that messes with your brain. You have unbalanced chemicals in your brain that meds and other things can fix. For me, it is the chemicals that make you cry and get more upset easily then other people. I am more emotional but yet on the plus side that makes me more compassionate in a way and that is another way God can use the disorder for good. Although, somedays I wish He would pick another way because it makes me sleepy a lot faster then other people.
            Even though, right now, I'm taking a break from other things. I think God is teaching me to be happy with who He made me and just learn about that. Try different things so I can help people with the same problem in the future if that time comes. Right now, hopefully since I am writing about it and the more I do maybe it will get easier for me to talk about it face to face and maybe tell those people that will come into my life about it so they will truly know who I am, especially those people who will mean the world to me someday. This is me starting to me real instead of fake because I have had it with being strong.
          Being strong is not worth it in the end of times but being real is. I will say that I know some other friends going through some sicknesses or disorders whether it is the same one as me or different ones, I hope this is encouragement to those friends and maybe it will challenge them to do the same thing but only about their disorder or sickness.
         "Being strong plus fake will not get you anywhere in life but being real will. Being an advocate for yourself when you have something like I do is probably the best thing you can do for yourself."