A Week Kneeling at Christ's feet

      I'm sitting here and writing this entry while I'm looking out the window at the white now falling to the ground and have been falling all day so far. It is pure white all around. I have been out to play in the snow with my nephews and niece. We went sledding and walking in the snow. This is my first snow weekend and days off from work and time with family. It is really nice to have that time together. I don't have to spend nights at my job  so I can get some sleep.
       Enough about today, this week has been AMAZING and the snow break from work just ended it perfectly. I have literally down on my knees at my bedside praying every night. I'm not bragging but it has worked in so many ways through just this week. It has been a hard week but yet a very blessed one with some answers to prayers. I won't go into details about it but that are a couple things I like to share and remember. This week I got to talk to a friend that it has been awhile since I have talked to them. We got to joke around some and that was fun and helped with my days after.
       The other thing was an answer to prayer just yesterday. I have been fighting a lot with myself and probably with the devil too about what I want to do for the next step in my life and I have a chance that if I don't back out of it would work. It would keep me busy but it would work and be worth it in the end. I wish I can tell what it is right now but I can't because it isn't out in the open just yet. Let's just say that I might be able to take college classes during the week sometime soon while working the same job.
        I am not done kneeling at Christ's Feet because I have to pray this thing through and after that there is always more in life to pray about whether the right spouse or where to live or so on. It could even be about what the next step is after this step and hoping that I get the step that I want or something better then that step. It is just neat to see the little things God did in my life this past week after being on my knees at my bedside. It is like I am more aware of what is going on and what God is doing in my life because I am on my knees looking for answers.
        I'm at that point in life where I just want more in my life. I thought about it this week especially during my Bible study about do I really want more or am I made for more then I'm doing right now. Wanting more could just turn out bad because you are trying things to make you happy but yet there is only one thing that can make you happy and that is God. I think I have come to the thought of God has me for this plan and He will get me through it if I follow Him. He has so far in more ways then I can count. I was scared at first that I was trying to fix the cracks in my life when really I think I'm just trying to find out where I belong and who I am in Christ. What He made me for?
          I grew up most of my childhood getting teased about the way I talked and just the way I acted and who I was and could do and couldn't do. Well, that teasing has helped me come a long ways because now I want to help other children. I want to help them be able to do everyday things so they don't get teased because even though I couldn't talk right or do some of the subjects right, I got teased easily. Honestly, I didn't stand up for myself. Looking back now, I should have but instead I ran away and cried. God use those moments for me to see that I can make a difference in children's lives whether it is the way by which I help them see happiness in life after they have been abused or do everyday things so they don't teased.
           The story in Matthew about the children really made me see how much God loved the little children. They are not just other people to God, they are the main people here on earth. Why are we letting them fade away? I know that is a sad way to look at it but it is true. They should mean the some way to use then they do to God. They never will because God's Love is bigger but we can try at least.  From what I have seen some people don't even care to try. My eyes have just been opened up bigger to the problem when I started where I am now and this week's Bible study just opened my eyes up bigger. I never thought, when I started my job, that my eyes could be open any bigger or in any other way but they have.
             I could go on about this topic all day and longer but I will stop right now.

          Challenge: If we hurt any child, then we hurt God at the same time. Think about that and how profound that thought is. I still can't wrap my mind around it and I have been thinking about it for 3 days now.

Kneeling at Christ's Feet

         Where do I even start at? This could be some sort of a poem some day but for now let's just think as this entry as the background to the poem that someday is going to be written. Last night at church, the sermon was from the book of Mark chapter 14 where it talked about having a meal with Jesus and during that meal there was a women that kneeled at His feet and poured an costly perfume on His Head and wiped His Feet with her hair.
          In today's words, she gave everything she had to Jesus. That perfume was so costly and probably inherited that if she would have kept it and sold it she would have money for life. Money for her dreams, safety, marriage, and anything else she needed it for. Instead of keeping it all, she poured it on Jesus and gave her life to Him. Everything that she had was His. She even gave Him her physical beauty by wiping His feet with her hair. Women back in those days didn't let her hair down in public. She let in down in the privacy of her own home like when she was getting ready to be intimate with her husband. She didn't care how she looked. All she cared about was loving Christ with all she had.
          We can kneel at Christ's feet in today's world. You might ask, "well, how?" Here are some examples: you could give your time up for Him, you could help those in need, you could give your belongings up and follow Him, and other things like that. I'm in the middle of a real life situation now so it might be an example to some of you out there or help to understand it better anyways. I love the job I have now but I feel like in the future God is calling me back to grad college and to another career that I never thought I would be interested in. To go back to grad college, I might have to give up living in AR for a few years, which means giving up the friends that I made here, giving up old friends that I have around here, giving up a job that I love, giving up a church that has helped me grow so much in the past years, putting my dream of getting married and having a family on hold for a few years and other things.
           In a way, I know it is all going to be worth it when I graduate grad college and get the job that I want afterwards. Even if I finally get to relax some during grad college that would be a blessing then what I'm doing now. I seem to be on the go all the time trying to keep up with events going on and my friends. I will admit I feel like I don't have any real close friends anymore here in AR because I've been so busy with my job which is good but some days I need those close friendships but yet I don't have them because I don't have time to let them grow. Before I know it, a friend is going to be moving or I just don't talk to them anymore. Not on purpose but we just fade away.
            I'm just learning about how much I need to trust and love God right now and just depend on Him for everything. If I do take that step it will be a leap of faith for me, for sure. Another reason I'm not taking it yet is because the classes are hard so that is scary too. It will be a time of getting closer to God. It is strange how it takes some of use to start a show or business and then some of us it takes just getting the courage to go to grad school to get closer to God. God has His different paths for everyone. It is a way I could be free in Him and see what He can do for the rest of my life because right now I cannot even think of what He is going to do with it or how I will do with it. Will I let the children down? Will the children become capable because of what I'm teaching them?
              My challenge from this weekend and I challenge all of you who read this with me is to: kneel at Christ's feet when you don't think you can make it through. Actually, kneel by your bedside and think of Jesus while you are doing it. Maybe even pray and talk to God on your knees about the things you are having a hard time with or can't decided in between. Give God the control of your life and see what He can do. When He does something wonderful even if it is a little thing, then give Him worship for that thing. He loves it when His Children worships Him throughout the day. It is a way of talking to Him.
             He has turned your scarlet sins to pure white like the snow is. Don't you think He can do so much more for you?

Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins-Week 4

          This week during my Bible study really got to me and I didn't think about something until last night at the Bible study group. This week's study was called "Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins" and it talked about our past and how we, along with God's help, can rebuild it to work for our future.  I came to the realization that I am so messed up in so many ways and God has got me where He does in life for a reason. To help me get past the "self in me" and help me see the true meaning of sin and this world.
         It was strange when I thought about it last night but I did this study during the nights I had to stay at the shelter. I'm not allowed to say much about it but to be honest it has a bunch of ruins that needs to be helped with everyday. By that I mean the kids there, they have a lot of ruins that they need to learn from and then go on with a future that is bright for them. They don't need to live in the past and be like their parents or whoever raised them. They don't need to carry on the ruins because there is life outside of those ruins. It would be a good lesson for them I think especially the older middle school and teenage children. Knowing that there is still hope for them in the situation that they came from. They can really change. They just need to have the courage to change and walk away from the situation they are in now.
         I could even tell them my story because no one is perfect only God is the Prefect One. I was sitting in my car last night after the study was over in the church parking lot and just crying and saying out loud to God "I'm messed up and I'm glad that you have me in your hands. You know the best way for me." I was just thinking about my plans for me and where I am today and why I am where I am. I wanted to get married or at least have a boyfriend by the age of 25 and I'm 27 right now. Didn't happen. I work at one of the hardest places on earth but I'm learning so much about the world around me and myself at the same time. I'm a sinner just like everyone else is on this earth. I'm no better then anyone and God knows that.
          I sat in my car thinking "God, I'm glad you did not give me my plans but that you have better ones for me." As I'm learning about myself right now and look back where I was at at the age of 25 and before, I could see a break in marriage in my life if I would have gotten married then. It is a sad thing to see but it is true. I see know and back then really but never really want to admit it that I have a issue with trust and worry a lot. In a way it runs in my family. I hate to say that but I'm sure that they see it too in some ways. Well, with worry anyways but with trust that was just how I got through high school. Don't trust anyone around me because they will let you down eventually.
         Another thing I'm learning about myself is that I don't open up and be real with anyone especially my closest friends. They don't know about my past like they should because it explains me well. I'm not an easy person to get to open up. I hide behind jokes and smart alikeness. I act like I'm strong when really I'm not most of the time. That is probably the biggest thing that I'm learning about myself at my job right now. I'm trying to stay strong when I can't. I have used the excuse "well, it is just who I am" when really it's not. I can be a lot better if I let God into my life and throw those things away. I can be a lot more courageous if I let God lead me.
           My thought process is the worst for me and I think I got that from high school. Just believing things about myself that aren't true anymore but it kept me safe back then and I think it will still keep me safe now from getting hurt. I'm learning though that if I'm never real to a point that I will never have real friends or a marriage. Can you see what I'm saying where all of my problems keep me from having a Godly-marriage much less a God-leading life, which is the most important first before the marriage.
         I got to thinking about the children I work with now and my future children if God willing, am I passing that worry and distrust to them or will I? Am I letting them be real to me? Am I letting them talk about how they feel instead of closing them out? Will I let them do both of those? Yes, I'm 27 but when your real dream is to be a stay at home mom and always has been since you could remember, you start to think about these things. It is never too late to pray for your future family. You hear people all the time saying "pray about your future husband/wife" so why not pray about your future children/family too. It just makes sense because those two things go hand in hand.
       
I am going to ask all of you who read this to do two things and those two things are:

One: Think, "What is your dream or desire for your children (grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and so on)?

Two: Pray for that dream and/or desire for them. It is never too early or too late to start.

Anyone young or old can do this. No matter what stage of life you are in right now. Like I keep saying and not scared to say it. Yes, I'm only 27 in age but I'm already thinking about these things because it is important especially if you have a heart like mine and what to change the world. This is one way it can be done. Might sound like I am 35 in my thinking but it is true, right?

        Just to let everyone know that reads this, I love you all and am holding nothing against anyone. This is the life God has put me in for a reason and I love it just the way He has it for me. I am truly blessed with the life I have and if God has taught me anything through my job, it is that, it could be a lot worse but Thank God it is nowhere near what I have seen or heard. God gave me only what I can handle and I say that in a loving way. ;)

Another Winter Mission Trip

        Well, it is snowing outside but I am stuck inside working. I have been stuck at work for 2 days now but I am getting a lot of new experiences. I have read bedtime stories to the elementary aged girls and did half a morning shift for the teens. One story that I read was Mr. Dog, a Golden Book. It took me back to my childhood.
        Then the last few days have been busy with preschool. Yesterday was when the snow was fresh so the children and I went out and played in it. I got a few snowballs thrown at me but good thing it is light snow. We had hot cocoa when we came back inside from the snow. Then we painted hand printed polar bears and went to the gym.
          It was so neat and fun this morning! As we were gathering snow for the ice cream, we saw big, long, thick icicles hanging from the playground things. A few of the children had to break them off and eat them.
          Then this morning is when I started my work day with the teens and all I did was bed checks and filled out their points papers for the day. The preschool had a good morning. Most of them started off by writing their letters in the dry erase marker books. Then we went outside again to get snow to make snow ice cream. We had snow ice cream for morning snack and all the children loved it. It is made with just snow, sugar, milk, and vanilla. They even asked for seconds but did not get any because it was mainly sugar. I gave each child their own bowl and put everything in the bowl and they got to stir it together. They were so excited about it!
           You know some people might not what to go to work on snow days and stay overnight if they had a chance. Where I  work though, it is fun to do both. Might get sleepy at times and might not have a life for a week but still fun. I will tell you one thing. It will make you focus on the more important things in life because with me all I brought to do in the extra hours is my Bible and my Bible study. I am almost treating it like a mission trip. Mission trips do exist in the states espically during the Winter. 

Courage to Keep Things Together

        I thought I wrote my Valentine's Day entry a week ago but I have been through a lot this week and learned a lot about myself. I'm going to write another V-Day entry about caring and loving the people around you by being yourself. I have been through a lot this week with God and my career. I'll be honest I was getting to the point where I was feeling overwhelmed with my career. I did write a couple of letters to the admin. telling them how I felt about the children and what we were doing for them.
       I had one of the admin. and another co-worker pull me into the office and talked to me about those letters and it was a good talk. It gave me a lot of courage and strength. It showed me how much I really matter to the children and other workers around me. It also showed me how people see me which everyone needs that once in awhile but I'm not the way I am without help from God or friends. It took a lot of courage to write those letters for me especially because I have a strong passion for the children and co-workers.
        This past Thursday at my Bible study, we talk about how things will have to get harder before they get easier and under our feet. During the little meeting I had with my co-workers, one of them said that "things will get harder before they get easier" and I feel like they are getting harder but yet God wants me there for a reason. I could make a lot of difference if I could see that I matter and that my ideas and passion matters. I've never been a person to put myself into that spot though but I'm learning that that is an important part of becoming your own person. People like it when you stand up for what you believe in.
         I know I didn't get the courage and passion by myself. I know God has helped me a lot. He has given me the strength to stay through the hardest of times and the words to say. He has also given me friends that has been by my side to encourage me through everything. I have this one friend that I have watched their business rise from the very start of it and it has made me stronger and to believe in myself and actually see what God can do in our lives if we trust Him with everything.
        Also this past Thursday, I learned a lot about what it means to be a women of Prayer during Bible study. We, Christians, say that a lot and think we are but at times we could live a life of prayerlessness. I do take the time every night to write a 2 to 3 page prayer in my journal and that is great and all but God wants more from us. God wants us to say little prayers throughout the day to Him. He wants to be in touch with us every part of the day. God wants to know what is going on with us and how we really feeling. It seems like we cover the true things that we need to pray about up with the simple things. The more we stay in touch with God the better that our day can go.
        It meant a lot to me when they said "I was the one that kept things together" and that "I was a very valuable worker and they wanted to hear my ideas because they knew that I had some great ones". That made me feel great. Yet, I couldn't let my pride get in the way of it. It really humbled me to where I thought about it. I think most of this past week I was so overwhelmed because I wanted thing to get and be done. My patience and pride was getting to me. Yes, I was prideful because I felt like I was doing everything and saying everything. I felt like I was the only person speaking up and if you know me you know that is not me unless I am really passionate about something.
          It is crazy how you can have pride in your passion and not even know it until someone brings you down in a good way. They put hope back in my life. I really told them how I felt and that felt like just saying my feelings and being real with them took a lot of boulders off my shoulders. I felt more free then I have felt in awhile there. It is a lesson I can apply to other ares of my life. I just think a lot of it is more my personal life like I want to mean something to someone and right now the children are all I have and I want them to know that. It might be crazy but this career is teaching me a lot about myself and I think I can use what I'm learning in other areas of my life like for now friendships and family but later on, if God is willing, marriage and children.
         They said I kept things together when they should have been falling apart. That took courage, strength, stubbornness, and talkativeness plus God. God, first and then He will give you the other things that you need to get through where you are in life and where He continues to take you. If I can get that place together during the hard, short times then what else can I keep together. That is a challenge for me and I feel like God knows that I like it like that. I also feel like God has something bigger for me planned and that this is just the start of it. It feels like I am finally, after all these years, letting myself open up to God and people with who I truly am and can be. I haven't got it all put together yet but I will keep learning. Life is a process!

Home is Where the Heart is

         "Home is where the heart is". In this entry I'm going to be looking at that saying as a place and people that are around me, not just the people. When this saying is said, most people think about family, which is true but I'm going to talk about a place that I feel like it is home to me. There are some little parts of MO that still feel like home to me like down in the southwest but if you look at my life it isn't truly where I spent most of my time at but either is where I call home now.
          My family doesn't stay in one spot and I love them for that but as a child it made it hard to call a place home. Being the second to youngest, I probably moved more then my sibling. Yes, some of them moved three schools.....Ok, that doesn't beat me but hopefully you get my point. These past 3, almost 4, years Bentonville, AR has been and felt like home to me.
          I have started something Bentonville and grown more in everything then I can remember anywhere else. Dinfantly, grown more in Christ. I've had different experiences that I thought I would never have in my life. Met a lot of different people. I don't want to move again and get rid of everything. I came here for a purpose and to be different from everyone that I knew. To show everyone, that I could do some things on my own. I've been doing pretty good on that but know this whole going back to college thing is getting to me because I have to go back to MO to get the degree I want to get.
          I also think that this whole changing thing is making me sad a lot too. I tend to want to change my life when some bad happens in it and today it just hit me. Yes, I am not making the money I want to or can move up in my job but those aren't the reasons I want change. This past Nov. an old friend of mine passed away and I have had a lot of pressure of moving back to MO. Now I know that the person putting the pressure on me cares a lot about me and wants me to be safe and close to her but it is hard on me. In a funny way, I do want the house and farm if I ever get the chance but I'm not counting on that. When she was talking about moving, after her husband (old friend) passed away, I was worried. I didn't want her to move away from that house.
           That house was the only house that I could go back to and feel like I was home. That house was really was my heart was. I spent the first 4 years of my life there and then went back every summer until high school. Even now, when I go back to visit her and when her husband was sick, I felt like I was home. Yes, it was strange and is strange that her husband isn't there anymore but at least I still have her. It felt like something was missing when I went to see her over Christmas break. I mean his chair and everything was in his spot but he wasn't there sitting in it like I remember. I could just picture myself as a little girl on his lap playing with the dogs and laughing.
               I know he would be proud of me whether I got my Master's or not because either way I would be helping children which he loved to do too. I stopped going to see both of them like I said in high school but starting going back after college and it was then that I started to feel like a little girl again. It was then that all the memories and feelings came back to me. The ones I have missed for so long. The calm and strong feelings but yet most of the time the sweet and happy feelings. Laughing, playing, and walking in the woods like there was no tomorrow. Without a care in the world.
               In a strange way, I probably was and still am a little, country princess to them because I still feel that way when I go to visit. I am in my castle and go on adventures in my woods behind the castle while helping with early morning chores.  They would also spoil me rotten and then send me home to my mom and dad. Wouldn't it be strange to have a little girl of my own with those same exact feelings? That is my big dream and heart's desire. It is above everything else on my list of things to do in life.
               I just thought I needed to write another entry and these were the thoughts on my mind today as I was driving around Bentonville. Strange I know but sometimes God shows you what matters most in the strangest of ways. Today was one of those strange day and way.

My "Truths" with God's Truths

         Warning: This entry is somewhat personal to me but it is not so personal that I don't mind sharing it. It could be like my long testimony of who I am in Christ and how I got to be that way. It is more of how God lead me to the person I am today. I hope I wrote it where it was simple and no fingers pointed at anyone.

           I feel like I'm not living the life that God has for me right now. I know He has bigger things for me in store. I have been trying to be someone I am not and that is not working so well. God gave me the family, friends, and personality for a reason.
           The truth is "I'm a simple, country girl who can be a stubborn, sassy blonde when it comes to my passions. My passions are children especially children who need help whether they are abused, not wanted, or disable in any way, big or small. You don't want to get me started on any of those topics unless you are ready to hear what I have to say. I am usually quite especially at first when I meet people but when I become friends with people that is when my sassiness beings to show because I feel comfortable around them. I can get mad at you in a min. if the time calls for it. I can be quite and then come across mad if you get on my bad side.
          I love honesty and commitment with anything or anyone. I don't easily give up on anything or anyone. I would rather be real and laughed at then fake and be liked. I really worry a lot and am messed up and broken but that is where God's truths about me comes in handy and true. I am His Princess and always will be. He loves me dearly and will protect me always. I have a lot of fear in me from my past. I need people who will encourages me to be the best that I can be and not bring me down. I do that a lot to myself so I don't need help with it. Friendships are everything to me that is why I take them slow and don't open up right away whether a girlfriend or a guy friend. It takes me awhile to open up no matter who I am friends with.
            I come from a hardworking family that likes children and business. We each have each other's back when needed. We love spending time together and the outdoors. It might get a little confusing when we are all together and tiring at the end but it is fun. We took a lot of trips together growing up and most of them were times spent outdoors.
           I was born in the country but graduated from a small, country school. There were 30 people in my graduating class. Those were the hardest years of my life but I wouldn't be the person I am know without those years. I was a teacher's and superindentant's daughter at that small school. Trying to play that roll and then set one apart as being me was hard. I was never liked for being just me. I was liked because I had the power to "change" things or disliked because of that depending on who I talked to. I wouldn't trade that experience for the world though. Like I said I am who I am because of that. I can make it by myself now because of what I went through in high school. It made me stubborn and to work for what I wanted whether it was changing my image or other little things.
             I always had something spiecal wrong with me whether it was my speech, not being able to take in math, or my anxiety. I worked through every one of those problems. It would be neat to see children that work through their own problems with a little help like I did. That is why I'm thinking of being an OT. I have also always been interested in Autism, sensory processing disorder, and again anxiety.
              I might seem like I have it all together by I really don't. Through all of this, God has been beside me every step of the way and showing me the reasons for everything. There are a lot of ways that I still need to be growing in God and letting Him use me His way instead of my way. His Grace is always enough for me or it should be. I'm not looking at earthly desires but Heavenly ones. My "truths" would match up to God's truths for me if I would just let Him take the lead and trust Him with it. I'm "breaking free" of the past and seeing who I am is who God made me to be for a reason. Everything has a reason behind it. I am sick of being the the same "cycle of life" that I have been in since high school. It is getting me nowhere in the real world. I will get nowhere just thinking about things. I need to be doing them too.
            I'm getting back to the little girl that I use to be and I'm loving it! It is funny how when you grow up worldly things to start to get in the way of seeing and being child like towards God when really that is what we need all the time. To not have a care in this world but to have a care in God and follow Him. I've been captive by sin and the devil for way too long. God knows what He is doing with me so why not trust fully in Him. I will always be prefect in Him and to Him so why do I see myself any other way. I need to focus on God and let everything else gently fade away. I need to turn my eyes upon Jesus and look fully in His wonderful face. :) Will you do that with me? :)