It was strange when I thought about it last night but I did this study during the nights I had to stay at the shelter. I'm not allowed to say much about it but to be honest it has a bunch of ruins that needs to be helped with everyday. By that I mean the kids there, they have a lot of ruins that they need to learn from and then go on with a future that is bright for them. They don't need to live in the past and be like their parents or whoever raised them. They don't need to carry on the ruins because there is life outside of those ruins. It would be a good lesson for them I think especially the older middle school and teenage children. Knowing that there is still hope for them in the situation that they came from. They can really change. They just need to have the courage to change and walk away from the situation they are in now.
I could even tell them my story because no one is perfect only God is the Prefect One. I was sitting in my car last night after the study was over in the church parking lot and just crying and saying out loud to God "I'm messed up and I'm glad that you have me in your hands. You know the best way for me." I was just thinking about my plans for me and where I am today and why I am where I am. I wanted to get married or at least have a boyfriend by the age of 25 and I'm 27 right now. Didn't happen. I work at one of the hardest places on earth but I'm learning so much about the world around me and myself at the same time. I'm a sinner just like everyone else is on this earth. I'm no better then anyone and God knows that.
I sat in my car thinking "God, I'm glad you did not give me my plans but that you have better ones for me." As I'm learning about myself right now and look back where I was at at the age of 25 and before, I could see a break in marriage in my life if I would have gotten married then. It is a sad thing to see but it is true. I see know and back then really but never really want to admit it that I have a issue with trust and worry a lot. In a way it runs in my family. I hate to say that but I'm sure that they see it too in some ways. Well, with worry anyways but with trust that was just how I got through high school. Don't trust anyone around me because they will let you down eventually.
Another thing I'm learning about myself is that I don't open up and be real with anyone especially my closest friends. They don't know about my past like they should because it explains me well. I'm not an easy person to get to open up. I hide behind jokes and smart alikeness. I act like I'm strong when really I'm not most of the time. That is probably the biggest thing that I'm learning about myself at my job right now. I'm trying to stay strong when I can't. I have used the excuse "well, it is just who I am" when really it's not. I can be a lot better if I let God into my life and throw those things away. I can be a lot more courageous if I let God lead me.
My thought process is the worst for me and I think I got that from high school. Just believing things about myself that aren't true anymore but it kept me safe back then and I think it will still keep me safe now from getting hurt. I'm learning though that if I'm never real to a point that I will never have real friends or a marriage. Can you see what I'm saying where all of my problems keep me from having a Godly-marriage much less a God-leading life, which is the most important first before the marriage.
I got to thinking about the children I work with now and my future children if God willing, am I passing that worry and distrust to them or will I? Am I letting them be real to me? Am I letting them talk about how they feel instead of closing them out? Will I let them do both of those? Yes, I'm 27 but when your real dream is to be a stay at home mom
and always has been since you could remember, you start to think about these things. It is never too late to pray for your future family. You hear people all the time saying "pray about your future husband/wife" so why not pray about your future children/family too. It just makes sense because those two things go hand in hand.I am going to ask all of you who read this to do two things and those two things are:
One: Think, "What is your dream or desire for your children (grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and so on)?
Two: Pray for that dream and/or desire for them. It is never too early or too late to start.
Anyone young or old can do this. No matter what stage of life you are in right now. Like I keep saying and not scared to say it. Yes, I'm only 27 in age but I'm already thinking about these things because it is important especially if you have a heart like mine and what to change the world. This is one way it can be done. Might sound like I am 35 in my thinking but it is true, right?
Just to let everyone know that reads this, I love you all and am holding nothing against anyone. This is the life God has put me in for a reason and I love it just the way He has it for me. I am truly blessed with the life I have and if God has taught me anything through my job, it is that, it could be a lot worse but Thank God it is nowhere near what I have seen or heard. God gave me only what I can handle and I say that in a loving way. ;)
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