So I am literally crying right now as I write this and I know I have already wrote one today but I can't get this miracles out of my mind and it is perfect for everything I have been through this week. For those of you who had no idea, I have been on anxiety meds. for 4 years off and on but finally stopped last July. It was a choice I made myself. I didn't like how the meds. were making me mess up with life and the way they were affecting my thoughts and choices. As I look back now and see what has happened since it is like God is starting a whole new story from this day forwards. It was like VBS was the start of it, which is funny because this past Weds. was exactly a year from we I started to stop it. I don't know if I just noticed it tonight or if I have been noticing it all week but it finally did hit me.
It all started in August when I got placed at a new school for my job for the new school year. I just wanted that school because it was closer to where I lived but God had other plans. That's first where I heard about the church that I am going to now. Then things were getting hard there and things started to happen that were stressing me out so I was moved back to my 1st school I was at and back to the kiddos that I loved and cared about the most. Well, that's when I started to one of the girls about her church and how much she wanted me to go to the little things there and so forth. Then Dec. came and I went to their Christmas program. I remember finding the girl's mom on Facebook and connecting the dots there before Dec. though.
When I went to the program, I noticed that the two different girls from my two different schools both went to that church together. I started going to that church in Jan. every other Sunday after I started my new job at another preschool. It wasn't til Feb. that I was going every Sunday. March rolled around and I didn't something then that was really hard for me to do but that needed to be done for years. I had to fight through that and still am in some ways since this week will be the 6th month. I jumped in with the church and started doing serect sister program with the women and I also did their Spring Bible Study. It was "The Quest" by Beth Moore. My favorite.
The Study lasted until the end of May or around then. Got through a hard couple of months because of what happened in March. During all of these changes, I was having a hard time at the job I had then so I was hoping and pray for a new one. That is when I was really stressed out but I knew it was because of the job and not because of me. I knew I could do better and be treated better at other places. I got a new job that I love at the start of this month. I couldn't ask for a better one. VBS also just got done with this past week and I started helping with Sunday School last Sunday morning. Through VBS, I have gotten to know a lot more people from the church. I just feel like I more energy to do more things now that I love.
There is still one thing that hasn't been fixed yet and it might take awhile or it might never be fixed back to where it was before because when I was on those meds. I messed it up so bad. I probably, ok not probably, but did annoy the heck out of a person. Just wish I got another chance but who knows maybe I will either way I know I am the one that messed up big time. If anything, I will grow from it.
Like I said I don't know if it was this past week to make me realize all of this or just tonight or both. I was happy with who I was and where I am. I was at peace and knew what I was doing. I wanted to talk to people that I haven't talked to in awhile. I missed the little things that people did. Don't buy into the lie that the anxiety meds. drs. give you are suppose to help you because they can have side effect. Those side effects are the ones they tell you about too. They are real. Don't do them without doing deep research and unless you can and have had the panic attacks. I just wanted the easy way out or so I thought it was but it just made things worse and now I am paying for all of those things. This is what a year can do off of Anxiety meds. My life has totally changed for the better all the way around.
I will also say that I even smiled at the simplest thing tonight and it felt like I was back in college. Back to where things were fun and simple. Back to what I really expected from people and got just that. Back to loving the flaws of my friends and couldn't care less what other people thought about that or me. I wanted to reach out and I tried but I know that I will have to rebuild that reaching back up to where it was because the meds. made me so anxious and depressed. That true, deep, caring person that I once was.
It all started in August when I got placed at a new school for my job for the new school year. I just wanted that school because it was closer to where I lived but God had other plans. That's first where I heard about the church that I am going to now. Then things were getting hard there and things started to happen that were stressing me out so I was moved back to my 1st school I was at and back to the kiddos that I loved and cared about the most. Well, that's when I started to one of the girls about her church and how much she wanted me to go to the little things there and so forth. Then Dec. came and I went to their Christmas program. I remember finding the girl's mom on Facebook and connecting the dots there before Dec. though.
When I went to the program, I noticed that the two different girls from my two different schools both went to that church together. I started going to that church in Jan. every other Sunday after I started my new job at another preschool. It wasn't til Feb. that I was going every Sunday. March rolled around and I didn't something then that was really hard for me to do but that needed to be done for years. I had to fight through that and still am in some ways since this week will be the 6th month. I jumped in with the church and started doing serect sister program with the women and I also did their Spring Bible Study. It was "The Quest" by Beth Moore. My favorite.
The Study lasted until the end of May or around then. Got through a hard couple of months because of what happened in March. During all of these changes, I was having a hard time at the job I had then so I was hoping and pray for a new one. That is when I was really stressed out but I knew it was because of the job and not because of me. I knew I could do better and be treated better at other places. I got a new job that I love at the start of this month. I couldn't ask for a better one. VBS also just got done with this past week and I started helping with Sunday School last Sunday morning. Through VBS, I have gotten to know a lot more people from the church. I just feel like I more energy to do more things now that I love.
There is still one thing that hasn't been fixed yet and it might take awhile or it might never be fixed back to where it was before because when I was on those meds. I messed it up so bad. I probably, ok not probably, but did annoy the heck out of a person. Just wish I got another chance but who knows maybe I will either way I know I am the one that messed up big time. If anything, I will grow from it.
Like I said I don't know if it was this past week to make me realize all of this or just tonight or both. I was happy with who I was and where I am. I was at peace and knew what I was doing. I wanted to talk to people that I haven't talked to in awhile. I missed the little things that people did. Don't buy into the lie that the anxiety meds. drs. give you are suppose to help you because they can have side effect. Those side effects are the ones they tell you about too. They are real. Don't do them without doing deep research and unless you can and have had the panic attacks. I just wanted the easy way out or so I thought it was but it just made things worse and now I am paying for all of those things. This is what a year can do off of Anxiety meds. My life has totally changed for the better all the way around.
I will also say that I even smiled at the simplest thing tonight and it felt like I was back in college. Back to where things were fun and simple. Back to what I really expected from people and got just that. Back to loving the flaws of my friends and couldn't care less what other people thought about that or me. I wanted to reach out and I tried but I know that I will have to rebuild that reaching back up to where it was because the meds. made me so anxious and depressed. That true, deep, caring person that I once was.
No comments:
Post a Comment